Birthday Boy

Today is Jay’s birthday.

It was a morning. Just any old morning, really. Regularly shining sun in a regularly calm and relatively peaceful in a regular way regular morning. Regularly starting the same way every day started.

Regular.

Because this day was special.

And Jay didn’t want it to be, so he usually pretended it wasn’t.

It was a good way to get rid of the problem.

He brushed against Robin, hiding himself under the blankets. She shifted a moment, but she had always been a heavy sleeper, so she didn’t wake.

Pretending this day was regular was a good way to get rid of the problem it gave him, but it wouldn’t stop Robin from pretending not.

She would once again ask, ‘Can’t we do something this year? Must we always pretend it’s just another day?’

And Jay would always respond, ‘It’s never just another day if I spend it with you. There, that’s what makes it special.’

Because Robin would always push for his special day to be special, when in fact, he simply wanted it to be regular.

There was nothing to celebrate today.

Nothing at all.

He thought with a sinking, deepening stomach.

Then, he thought, let’s get up. My arm is killing me, anyways.

Tentatively, he sidled under the fluffy, cloud-like sheets, leaving Robin’s warmth and stepping out into a seat on the edge of the bed. Jay put a hand on the back of his neck, stretching out ever so slightly. He rolled his other arm out, lulling his fingers back and forth like waves to get them used to moving, to get them used to getting back into motion— making sure that they wouldn’t crack on him. Finally, he straightened his back and stood up, making his way to the bathroom in his naturally furtive and silent manner.

Quietly, the door was opened, and quietly, the door was closed. He watched the doorknob as he placed and took and placed and took it back on and off the knob, watching as if watching would make him any more quiet than he usually was.

That deed was quite easily done. He heaved his vision to the mirror he opened the door to almost immediately, blinking at it slowly. He forgot to blink a little bit… get that used to movement…

With even more ease, that deed was done. Jay drew a breath in and spelled it out. Shivering suddenly, guilt pooling in the hollow pocket of wax and light he called his stomach, he looked at his left sleeve in the mirror. His left arm. He pulled up his sleeve, then spied at the waxen bandages creeping up at it like gnarled vines, clinging onto him with such fragility that a single glance could wither or pull them from what they seemed glued to.

Already, a new crack was forming… he could feel it, and he could see the glow beneath the bandages. He tapped the area under the stone-cold and hard seals, figuring that they weren’t as fragile as he had thought. Surging pain relentlessly took tighter hold than the bandages’ hold out of the blue, grasping and choking his arm like it was cutting off the little wax he had in it from circulating.

Jay scrunched his face together ever so slightly, an expression of curiosity— the ‘leaning-in’ variant— cleaning his face, betwixt covered pain and a look farther than what the eyes could see.

“Jay? You didn’t even say good morning.” Robin chimed from the now open door. She was comfortably leaning in the door frame.

Frozen immediately, Jay dropped everything. Remembering it was wise to answer your wife, he came once more to his senses, already formulating lies.

Of course, wise to answer your wife— truth or lie. Though, still, it was very unwise to lie to your wife. More so than not answering.

Ah, mother always used to say to either answer truthfully or never answer at all… he recalled in the back of his mind, as time still ticked…

Though, here, the lie was white… he figured white lies were simply… okay to tell, really… as he lacked a complex and meaningful answer for his thoughts, one full of piety and intense consideration.

No more stalling, it came to him, as his eyes shifted away from his arm, to the sink below the mirror, and his mouth opened to stammer out air before stammering out his new lie.”

“Good morning,” he first sweetened the situation.

Robin cocked her head to the side, softening up as usual, her stance less rigid (as if it was rigid in the first place) and even more relaxed than before. “Good morning, Jay. What happened to your arm, hm?” she folded her arms to pick one up and point downward at his arm (singular). She did it in such a way that she knew that they both were about to hear an explanation.

Jay stood at the mirror, at the sink, at the doorstep of a lie that was still cleaning the inside of its house, still getting ready to leave or host or… honestly, whatever it was doing. “It has been injured.”

Truthful… for now.

“I want to know how, Jay…”

“I accidentally threw it out a little too grand at rehearsal.” He spun around to her, breaking away from the locked up position he found himself in at the mirror and at the sink. Now, he wore his confident and charming grin as he pulled the rolled up sleeve down. “Did I cause you any worry hiding it? I was trying to avoid that, but I guess not…”

Robin, having heard many variations of the same story as per usual, shrugged off the fact she had been lied to, and went through the motions. “Yes… a miserable try, Jay…”

Jay shrugged, face suddenly sparking into a twisted surprise as he heard a loud crack—! from his shoulder.

“Jay!” Robin’s own face sparked into twisted surprise.

Fading fast, Jay’s surprise returned backstage, ready for its next call. “Ah… a little loud…”

“You couldn’t have thrust it out that badly, couldn't you have?”

They both knew that, yes, he could, but they also both knew that it was a lie, and this was an attempt to get the truth.

Jay’s good hand went to his forehead as a tired sort of sorrow entered, stage right. “I was very passionate. A little too passionate.”

“Maybe stop being so passionate?” Robin suggested as she lifted herself from her respite on the frame, stepping once to get closer to Jay, and taking his bad arm’s sleeve to roll up.

“Impossible. You know that’s quite difficult for me, of all people.” He joked with a grin, putting a hand on her cheek and kissing her forehead.

Robin didn’t smile.

Jay felt awful, as seeing that expression only deepened the guilt in his stomach, emptied the hollow and chilled it out.

“It looks bad.” commented Robin, pulling out her flame and skillfully melting the bandages that locked away his arm.

Without response, Jay watched as she slowly peeled the growing warm and sticky bandages, trying to differentiate his melted wax from its own, then imagining them only as his own skin being flayed from him.

Robin made no further comment, carefully taking his arm into her hand, stabilizing it as each bandage was stacked back onto each other, held in her hand as she examined the wound.

Jay felt as if he should shift around, move a little, but he had to stay still.

“…Stars, this is very bad!” Robin’s commenting returned, but now, took the air of chastity. “Jay, your arm feels as if it’s about to fall off!”

No more sweetening…

“What really happened?”

“I just threw it out a little too hard.”

Robin looked away as Jay tried to catch her eyes. Busied about the bandages, wondering where to put them, Robin grew somewhat angry. Nowhere clean to put the bandages, or really, to throw them away— at least, without letting go of Jay— she, frustrated, simply dropped them into the sink indifferently.

Really, she took on her ‘business’ manner, getting things done, caring little for anything but the task at hand… generally, like said, indifferent.

“One of these days, you will tell me the truth, and you’ll realize that I won’t be as angry as you think I would be!”

“You wouldn’t need to get angry. I am telling the truth.” It was said with such confidence that it was, without a doubt, believable.

Robin wasn’t going to have it. If it was a meal… a dish for dinner, a plate for lunch, she would be already done and sick of it. “If it’s something like— you’re fighting kids on the street— at this point, I wouldn’t be mad! Better than the alternative!”

Immediately, Jay spurred with extreme offense. What was she trying to suggest?? “What do you mean, ‘alternative’?”

Silently, Robin glanced up at him, then went back to examining his arm and fixing a few drifting shards of broken wax. She looked back up when she noticed the wax began to glow and burn a noticeable degree hotter. More than the usual jump to anger.

“Are you serious?!”

“Hm. See, that’s like being lied to by your husband, lots of times, when it’s about something that’s actively hurting him.”

Jay grabbed his bad arm, pulling it away from Robin in an instant. “That’s different!”

Robin glared.

“Y—you— J-just— why— specifically—!”

“Give me your hand back. I still have to fix it.” Robin added as if it was nothing, slightly bending down to open the drawer that the sink was encased into, sifting through to find more bandages.

Jay felt conflicted, though in the way someone who was struggling to gather words and feelings would be. As simple as telling the truth, he gave her his arm back as she pulled apart a few bandages stuck together.

She took it, pushing the same drifting shards back into place as she rolled a bandage onto the resettled area.

In total silence, except for Jay’s violently raging and raving thoughts, Robin applied each bandage, a little bit of resin on cracked areas, and smoothened out wax with her flame until the bandages had been warmed to a solid and his arm covered again.

“…your shoulder, too. When you shrugged. Any bandages there?”

“Yes.” Jay admitted.

Robin sighed. As Jay’s sleeve was already rolled up as much as it could be, she took to unbuttoning his shirt, opening it to his shoulder in order to continue the job, and speaking once more. “I love you. That’s obvious, honey, but you’re worrying me a lot. I don’t know where you get all these cracks from, but you’re getting them from anywhere but where you tell me they come from.”

Jay was quiet again.

“Must be the same place you’re working overtime in, too?” She suggested.

Okay. Overtime was, 99 percent of the time, spent at the theater. That was no lie.

But Jay wouldn’t be believed.

Something about a girl and a wolf? Or a boy who said something about a wolf…

So he kept his silence.

“I’m sorry to offend you, really, but this needs to stop. It’s not good for you, and it’s not good for me. Bad. This is bad. So, please, if you know what’s good, wherever you’re getting hurt at, whoever’s hurting you, get away. Stop going there, seeing them, end it all together. I’m serious. I’m telling you all of this because I love you, honey…”

Jay’s stomach sunk again. Unfortunately, what he was doing, where he was going, and who he was seeing— that was all part of something much greater than the both of them, and it was most definitely the most important thing. Ever. Without a question. And quite literally.

He thought about responding.

“…I love you, too.” he muttered quietly.

Robin finally smiled, peeling the melted bandages off, tossing them into the sink…

***

When Jay was eight years old, his father died.

Very long ago.

Shouldn’t matter much.

But it was part of a list, and when things were part of a list, they all mattered to make a very large, full, whole matter.

So it mattered.

His father had been murdered, and Jay still had no idea how.

That meant no one knew how.

And that meant it hurt a lot more than anyone would ever know.

If they ever knew.

It had been Jay’s eighth birthday, and particularly, at eight, concepts like ‘I am thinking about life’ begin to form. General feelings other than happiness form. Anxieties and difficult situations come to mind, a ‘personality’, if you may, forms— though, personality existing beyond these things is guaranteed.

But this eight years old, this birthday, this leap from seven to eight… It was calm. It was quiet. He was happy. That was all he could remember being from that moment and everything before it.

The last he saw of his father, he had surprised him, and explained after giving in to a secret he was supposed to have held that he had gotten Jay a birthday cake— with all the desirables and extra— and all that was left was to pick it up, and that it should be ready by now. It wasn’t ready before, when he had gone and checked, and…

…it didn’t matter…

…if it was ready faster, he would still be alive…

…and everything…

…everything…

…would be okay.

Because concepts like ‘I am thinking about life’, and general anything-but-happiness, and anxieties, and difficult situations coming to mind…

It all usually happens at eight years old.

And all the other stuff that happened as a direct result of this critical event in Jay’s life also just— wouldn’t have happened, but that’s a nice, deep way to tie it together…

This matters.

Not just because it was part of a list, in fact!

So you have been tricked.

No, no. This matters a lot.

The beginning of the end, some may say.

Of being less than eight.

That night… Jay waited… his mother waited…

They waited patiently.

Jay became restless, being a child, but knew it must not have been so mature to whine anymore— being a whole eight years old.

His mother told him a story… birthday stories. About his first birthday, about his second birthday, about the very day he was born. About how he crashed into his father’s lap right after he and his mother had finished telling of all their tales, whatever grownups did when they were talking and in love.

But no matter the restrained restlessness, the patience, the stories, the yearning for birthday cake, the whole eight years old…

Jay’s father never returned…

He went missing…

They found he had been murdered, just— not— how— there wasn’t the means to, back then, because he had somehow had been completely melted down, his clothing found…

Now, he was… somewhere… the particles of him that remained and cycled through the world…

And no one would ever know.

The last thing his father would give him would be an empty funeral.

Well… in a different sense, the last.

But in the general, wider, practical sense… he gave him much more.

Lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of regrets, an item on a list, and soon, justifying reasons for killing himself.

It was when Jay thought of this that he realized his father also gave him things like a good childhood, fond memories, if few, and all of what came with being a great father.

That was the generalest, widest, practicalest sense.

It mattered more than the bad!

…a lot mattered, didn’t it?

That funeral, in particular, didn’t, really. Of course, it was sad. Jay’s father was dead, he wasn’t even there— he was melted, stuck into the ground and snow in the alleyway of the Valley, somewhere, Star Phoenix knows, melted to watery clay and waxy, cold, melted— melted, melted goo… melted remains…

…but at eight, albeit the year to start being unhappy and realizing life, Jay was unresponsive to the age’s realizations.

He sat at the funeral with a straight face.

It looked like he could care any less about some old guy who had a wife and one stupid kid and one stupid brother who could sometimes visit.

All the while, his mother barely restrained herself, sobbing away, her husband gone.

It had plainly, as his face, occurred to Jay that his mom might hate him.

Dad went to get my cake. She has every right to believe I killed Dad.

But she was only mourning the loss of her loved one, sobbing like everyone else who loved and would never be able to love again, the same way that it happened as you realized your loved one was lost.

Jay sat there. He sat and got bored, and got hungry, and thought, when will we eat? 

The ‘service’ ended fairly quickly, looking back. But looking on— it seemed to have finally come, after years.

Jay made his way home, ate as he wished, simply without going outside to play today, staying in and passing his fingers over the words of his favorite book, the usual. Went to bed, sweet dreams— the sort.

Of course, unbeknownst to any child who had recently lost a parent, his school knew of the events that occurred.

Able to put on his big boy thinking cap, Jay figured that his mom had told them, but thought against it, still— she was so sad, it must’ve been quite a challenge for her to relay the information! Maybe she couldn’t even tell!

How did they know, then?

Why should they even know in the first place?!

How mysterious the world worked for things like this.

Everyone, now knowing, as news spread without a head, walked around Jay like they were on the thinnest of ice. Like mentioning something about pastries and a pastry shop would set him, now a bawling bomb, off, and into monstrous tears.

Jay barely cared, however, even if he cared for his father to the ends of the world.

He simply went on to play with the other kids as completely normal as he could be, eating his lunch, participating in class, all with a single change in his life— his father was gone forever.

In fact, he lived— in a way. comfortably— this way for a good deal of time. It took him four years, a walk to school, a sit at his seat in class, aged 12 to realize—

His father was gone forever.

Promptly, the feelings weighed in.

Like someone pressing their foot on a scale slightly, testing to see if it was on, working, then weighing their other foot on, shifting their weight to a regular stance, letting it all sink in as the scale’s numbers heightened and grew… so did the feelings of hurt. The absolute, gut wrenching, stomach tearing, teeth pulling feeling.

Jay asked his teacher if he could be excused. Things like this were usually never asked. But he asked anyway, because now he felt the great necessity— he needed to sit down with his thoughts for a moment.

His teacher, in return, asked why.

And Jay told him it was because his father had died.

Four years ago.

Of course, that last part was not said out loud…

Either way, Jay sat outside the classroom, eventually dropped into the harshest and bitterest of tears, then was sent home— to which he walked to with his face in his hands, heart racing quicker and quicker every time he thought the same, damning words:

His father was gone forever.

Slowly, he realized, his father wasn’t going to be there for the things in life that were so big, everyone looked up to.

He wouldn’t be there to teach him how to snowboard.

He wouldn’t be there to tell him about important, life-and-growing things.

He wouldn’t be at his graduation.

He wouldn’t be there at his wedding.

He wouldn’t be there to see his kids.

He wouldn’t be there for any of his birthdays afterwards.

He wouldn’t be there to share any cake.

He wouldn’t be there to tell him a bedtime story.

He wouldn’t be there to calm him down when he cried.

He wouldn’t be there to see his talents flourish.

He wouldn’t be there to see the things he learned he liked to do.

He wouldn’t be there to see him win some sort of tournament— win some award.

He wouldn’t be there to spend time with him.

He wouldn’t be there to say good morning or good night to.

He wouldn’t be there.

He wouldn’t be there.

He wouldn’t be there.

At all.

Because he had been murdered.

Because he melted into the ground.

Because he was now thousands of particles, part of the cycle of life.

Because he was gone.

Because he was dead.

Forever.

The realization quieted Jay down.

Any friends he had— really, they were only people he knew with and played with— they were promptly shut out. Jay ignored them. School lunchtimes were spent slowly chewing a snack, in the shade, under an overhang, in the background, in a corner, watching the others, deep, deep in thought.

Jay became quiet.

He didn’t say a word to anyone.

He didn’t even talk to his mom.

He responded with smiles or plain faces.

No inbetween.

And so was the end of Jay’s general happiness.

He began to think on life, anxieties and difficult situations.

He stopped being less than eight at 12.

A late bloomer… or just younger than everyone else, internally.

More child than any other child.

It stayed this way until it inevitably changed.

For a while, Jay spent his life in total quiet. The good thing about quiet, to him, was that he didn’t need to answer to anyone. He could speak when he wanted, if spoken to, and didn’t have to think anymore more about it. It also gave him the feeling that everything was calmer. Everything left light when he didn’t speak. His steps barely touched the ground, he felt less fatigue, blankets and clothing and his mother’s kisses felt lighter and softer… It was even surprising, at times, when he did have to speak— and he found his voice was so drastically different from what it had last been. It only got softer.

It gave him a sort of optimism, really. Take life lightly— it gave him a feeling— that he was happy… so, he took life lightly. He celebrated birthdays, though they suddenly began to remind him about his father being murdered and melted, and gave a little smile to himself when he counted a year older.

Soon, he was old enough to realize that spending his life lightly and quietly so far wasn’t being as active as everyone else— as he had hoped. Everyone else had clubs and activities. After school things, social gatherings to get to… Jay had none. Not even a quiet after school curricular, mostly because it happened to be an issue with money… which he found was very frequent after his father had gone.

So, with looking for something to do, he stumbled across an internship at a paper processing office— one that also printed books and things like leaflets.

It seemed nice and quiet.

He smiled thinking of the hours of endless silence, printing the same leaflet or pamphlet, pressing each page, arranging blocks for letters, keeping those blocks in neat order…

And plus, internships started for kids as young as 14. And he was 14.

When he asked his mother, she seemed apprehensive, most likely dwelling on the fact that Jay would not usually return home until a little later— always a scary thought— but her son rarely spoke, rarely asked for anything at all, so she answered with a yes.

Jay, in quiet and reserved excitement, quietly spoke to a receptionist at this office, quietly and decorously spoke his way through an interview, and managed to land the internship.

It was his happy place.

He went to the paper office every day, whenever he could, and carried papers around silently, did small errands that had to do with paper silently, and more. He never really printed pamphlets or leaflets, but he always had a feeling it was soon to come.

And surely, some of his new friends would let him try, once?

All of the adults took a great liking to Jay. He was so quiet, so patient, so polite— he did any favor with a smile, was always so interested in the work they found mundane and secretly dreaded, always lit up the place with his silent presence… that, yes, they sometimes let him try their work after he finally spoke up to ask with a formal please and thank you.

How fun it was!

He prepared paper, taking it from drying racks, using a large, precise and sharp cutter (that he was warned was very dangerous if used incorrectly). He placed blocks to spell out sentences like ‘today only, sale on all vegetables’. He folded pages together, learning how to bind them properly to form books.

He enjoyed all the work, silently performing it and relishing the silence of it all.

Everyone enjoyed his company, or, his silence, as much as he did.

He stayed a consistent intern at this office for a long while.

At least until his 15th birthday.

Because the night before that day…

He was opening letters at the table with his mother, barely making a sound as she read the contents, winding this on late into the night.

His mother slowly patted his head, ruffling his hair, kissing the top of his head, telling him to run off to bed, now, you’ve got a special day for you tomorrow, I’ll join you in a bit.

So, obeying, in his interest (he was sleepy) and hers, he went off to bed after getting ready to sleep.

In the morning, the air was thick, gripping, even, choking— grasping— and Jay wondered what for. A little confused, he opened his door (with an inching difficulty) and walked out of his room to find sprawling darkness absolutely covering and littering the entire living room, concentrated heavily at the table his mother had been at, immediately crackling and craning to his direction and quickly growing to his location after an instantaneous sense of his light.

“M-MOM?!” He stammered, loud, eyeing the table. He might as well have frozen and let the darkness take him by then— he definitely must’ve been breathing in all of its spores.

This realization rained on him like an avalanche. In an instant, he took to coughing the air he had swallowed in surprise out, then covering his face with his shirt to prevent taking in anymore.

Still— even knowing he had to get out before he died, he stood.

Because now, guess who else was gone?

His world shattered— his birthday, again— seven years later, 15 years old, his mother gone. Gone, forever. Broken by the darkness plants, swallowed up, stolen away, snatched, her light viciously devoured.

His father melted and his mother devoured.

Jay’s knees grew weak. He wasn’t sure if it was from breathing in the spores or his utter disbelief.

He didn’t want to find out. He needed to leave.

But— mother!

How would her death be cracked? How would anyone know? She died from the darkness, yes, but where had it even come from? Where? Who would know? Who knew?

It was unlikely they would find out, ever.

If a home was infested with darkness— and to this large of a degree, already squeezing under doors, through their cracks below, already taking its seat on chairs all over the house, already begging to be let out through windows, already growing on walls like vines and ivy, already tearing away at whatever light was still trapped in this forsaken place, already turning into a bubble of spores— the best option was to burn away the darkness. The best method was to just burn the house down, then. Remove all of it in an instant. All the now corrupted and impure foundations, walls, doors, ground, carpet it lay its roots in.

Quite sentimental, to leave his childhood home this way.

His mother, gone, inside.

Oh, quit standing there, she wouldn’t want him to have stayed here if it was infected— she wouldn’t care if the house was gone, the one place with memories of all three of them— father, mother, son— she would just tell the remaining survivor to go— get out— get out, quickly!

So Jay sucked up his now swelling emotions, then ran to the front door, kicking his shoes on after a quick check to see if there was darkness on them, and running out of the pit he knew as his life so far.

Outside, the snow was gently and quietly falling. He ran to the front of his home, away from the darkness, spotting a neighbor who had come out after noticing darkness already sprawling outside of its containment area.

“Hey, Jasper!” He called to Jay, waving and briskly making his way to him. “Is everything okay? Where’s your mother?” the neighbor asked, already pulling out a flame to pass Jay over with, checking for any external darkness he could burn off of this poor child.

Jay struggled to form words. Being quiet for so long left him with very little work on conversing.

It seemed to have worked just fine, as silence and confusion in a situation like this for any child would result in the same reaction— it was clear, his mother was gone, and he was alone.

His neighbor put his flame away, patting Jay’s shoulder in a stabilizing manner, attempting to calm. “I’ll get help.” He ran off, already looking for someone to aid them in this situation.

Jay stood right where he had, frozen, standing in the snow, the beginnings of a series of agonizing tears and trembling forming in his body.

Help had come, Jay hugged his stomach as it heightened with an alert, rising realization, a hyper, wild pain. Eventually, the proper authorities were contacted, someone checked to see if he had inhaled any spores adequately, and almost as quickly as he had been checked, someone got something to light his home on fire with, and began to burn it to the ground in a controlled manner, checking the darkness it had been plagued by to see if it was spreading to any other homes.

The endless questions came. Endless questions, required for those trying to help, receivers, but answering torture for those who knew the answers, the grievers.

“Anyone in the house?”

“N-no.”

“How did the spread start?”

“I don’t know.”

“Was anyone inside the house?”

Jay decided this one was too difficult to answer, so, yet again, in the way his neighbor had gotten his answer, those who asked him this received their own version in the same manner.

“Do you have any family you can go to?”

“My— Un-cle…?”

“Is there anything wrong with your uncle?”

“No.”

Yes. It seemed to Jay that his uncle blamed him for his father. Maybe that’s where the feeling that his mom was blaming him was really supposed to be channeled to. And now that Jay had ‘done it again’— how he had done it this time was a mystery to him— he was surely, so surely unloved.

Nobody loved him anymore.

That was so new.

Nobody would love him.

His family was very tiny.

No grandparents, only one uncle. Not a single aunt.

Their constellations were small, that was why.

So… no family who loved him, no friends… would people at work even count? They thought him charming, sure, but they didn’t love him.

Mother’s love was already slipping from him gradually and quickly.

Not even these people who questioned him relentlessly offered any love. The one question he needed them to ask— he needed to hear— he needed to answer… ‘how do you feel?’

Or even ‘are you okay?’ if ‘how do you feel?’ was asking for too much.

He just wanted someone to ask him how he felt now.

Someone to calm him down. Someone to teach him how to snowboard, or be there when he got married.

No parents to do that anymore.

Stars above!

He realized it again, his stomach’s hollowness becoming clear and apparent to him, and he, who had been sat on a rock and given a blanket, held onto his head and placed his forehead on his knees, beginning to sob hard.

No more parents. No more love. Utterly alone.

Good 15th birthday present, he figured.

Oh, how he wished for something normal, like a toy, or a ball, or a new snowboard he could be taught how to ride—!

But better yet, if none of his gifts could be normal, give him his parents back!

Why did he have to have them taken from him so quickly?

Stolen, right from his hands, like their lives had been from them!

Unjust— it just wasn’t right!

Mom! Dad! Why was it like this so quickly?!

Every other child had their parents! He didn’t know one person in his class that had one or none of their parents— sure, he didn’t speak, but he knew his classmates, at the very least!

Oh, why, he was so nice, wasn’t he? He took life with all its bright things, even when the world was dim and full of such tragedies as this, he barely complained, barely asked for anything, barely spoke and fussed— he was so nice, he was a good child, such a good, smart, quiet and polite child— why did it come to this? What had he done to deserve any of this?

He dug his hands deeper into his hair, doubting himself, how good he was, believing himself wicked and terrible, harshly and severely scorning himself, degrading the things he loved, what made him himself— he did so until he realized just how at fault he was for everything!

The questions ended, but not a single pat on the back, not a single reassurance that he, in fact, was a good child, was anything but wicked, was a patient, quiet child.

Nobody loved him!

And so, it was clear— it was plain now— he was bad, because no one said otherwise.

Jay, quiet, sobbed terribly into his knees, painfully feeling his insides blow into cold, colder air, bringing sound to just how hollow it was under his freezing skin.

But of course, just as every tragedy should, it ended. The nightmare was over. It washed away just as quickly as it had washed over him. Not as immensely as it had hit and hurt him… but it washed away, subsided.

Eventually, he found himself at his uncle’s home, at the door, now under his custody.

His uncle did not want him.

Jay, antagonizing himself, didn’t want him, either.

But being nothing but melted goo or devoured light hadn’t occurred to him as a thing to do yet, so he stood at his uncle’s door, feeling the intense need to please him.

“…I’m sorry.” He began with. “I’m so sorry to bother you, uncle. I don’t have anywhere else to go, so I have to stay with you. Is it okay if I stay with you?”

Of course, Jay could always be plopped off into an orphanage, with some scary, old lady who hated him worse than the most vile creature or thing to be found. That would suffice for someone of his measure, he figured. He had nothing, so he might as well have somewhere like that.

Either way, his uncle let him in just as quietly as Jay’s nature usually was.

As his uncle closed the door, Jay patiently, terrified, waited for further instruction.

This seemed to have been a terrible mistake, because his uncle glared at him, barely spoke a word to him, and left him alone.

Now, Jay was even more confused and lost. He stood where he had waited, mind scrambling to make sense of everything, so, so lost and so scared, so afraid he was hated to his core, that he was wicked and terrible, that he would be dropped off at an orphanage fit better for hardened criminals rather than grieving, lost children, hollow insides hollowing themselves out.

He defrosted himself, forcing his mind to work outside of being terribly sad, endlessly falling into a depressive pit, and take off his shoes at the door. Then, with nothing better to do, having half a mind to not disturb his uncle— wherever he may now be— and his house, he walked to the sofa and sat on the end of the end, taking up as little room as he possibly could. If he was so small that his uncle didn’t even perceive him, that would be a great start. Of course, it would be impossible to become that small, but he tried his best. If his uncle was quite ignorant to reality, which Jay was sure he wasn’t, he couldn’t possibly think Jay was any smaller than he was. Rather unfortunate, in both cases, but it was just what life was like. Full of upsets, wasn't it? Like himself, now a burden on a man who didn’t have any kids, so needed to take care of none, and like the deaths of parents that came so soon it must’ve been a sort of illegal unfair. Unfair. It was so, so unfair!

His uncle lived around his house in the way Jay figured he normally did. He barely interacted with Jay— he regarded him as if he simply didn’t exist. That was good. He had a strong feeling the orphanage wasn’t coming anytime soon. It all seemed like a magical spell, obviously too good to be true— and it was, once Jay was perceived, and his uncle gave him a plate of food. It must’ve been dinner. Either his uncle didn’t want him at the table, or he figured Jay was uncomfortable there, or he didn’t want to see him, or talk to him— whatever it might have been, Jay eyed the plate, given to him at the sofa, and slowly ate. Slowly chewing, slowly mulling over all aspects of life, everything, and just how unfair it was to him.

He tried to remind himself that, maybe, it was so bad now so that it would be so good later.

Either way, Jay finished his food, all the while entranced in thought and terrible grief, crying for his parents deep, deep within himself. He put his plate in the kitchen, then decided to be helpful. A good child. He took his plate and— his uncle’s, which was here too, his uncle obviously finishing his food faster than he did— then washed them and put them on the drying rack.

Hopefully that was helpful.

If Jay helped and barely said anything, barely appeared to his uncle, maybe, he would be allowed to stay.

Yes, a good trade. You give me housing, I give you services. I will take all your chores, cook all your food, clean everything you own.

Please.

At this point, Jay didn’t even care if he suddenly turned himself into a slave for an uncle who hated him to his breathing core. He just didn’t want to go without a roof and food. Everything else was trivial. His happiness was trivial.

The dishes finished, Jay went to sit back on the sofa. When his uncle came over with a book, sitting at the opposite edge, Jay wondered if he should move. After all, he didn’t want to disturb his uncle, but he also feared that by moving around too much, his uncle would perceive him, and he would be tossed into an orphanage.

So, Jay kept still. His heart began to ache like it was wailing out for freedom from this crying soul once he realized that if he and his uncle had any different of a relationship, his uncle would probably be giving him love. He would ask, ‘how do you feel?’ or ‘are you okay?’ and give his forehead a kiss and wrap him in a hug and listen to Jay as he cried, grieving child, about how he missed mommy and daddy. The hollow in his chest grew so heavy it began to physically hurt.

All of a sudden, it pulsed in and out, his stomach going icy cold and hurting him with rising and falling temperatures. It was relentless, banging against his insides and tearing him apart. Now, it was not only mental suffering— it had now manifested into physical suffering, too.

Jay, quietly, watching his uncle to see if he himself was being watched, sweating, wrapped his arms around his stomach and silently cried. Tears dropped from his cheeks, one at a time, methodical and everlasting. Suffering, suffering. His tears could be dried, he could be loved.

He could still have his parents…

He must’ve gasped or sobbed— something— for now, his uncle had lifted his head from his book and glared at Jay.

The gesture shot the most intense dread and fear all through Jay. Wildly, he was hit with an even harder pulse of pain in his stomach— it ran through his legs in a thunderous jolt.

Suddenly, he decided it was better to stay out of his uncle’s sight. Figuring he couldn’t bother him anymore than he already had, Jay walked off to the kitchen. There, he knew his uncle wouldn’t be, as they had just eaten. His uncle would not care to make dinner if it had been made. He wouldn’t be able to see Jay.

So, until it turned very late, Jay stayed in the kitchen. It felt like treacherous, painful hours, his stomach shooting bullets of torture through him every time he breathed. Once he was sure it must’ve been bedtime, as the lights were promptly turned out, Jay looked around in the darkness for his uncle, to ask, if he so pleased to answer, where would Jay be sleeping tonight? But his uncle was nowhere to be found, and the darkness had instilled a new, greater fear in him in light of recent events— the only spore that Jay figured got to him— and he found it safer to scramble back into the kitchen, illuminated poorly by the glimmering moon that barely shone through the mountains and foggy, overcast skies that filtered itself out even further being through a window.

It was some light, so it worked okay.

Jay was extremely unsure of what to do. Scared. Lost. In pain. Grieving. Dreading. All of this, he gathered, while trying to figure out how to sleep properly in a kitchen. He found all he could do was curl up and close his eyes tight— tightly, tighter.

Close them so tight that you forget the floor is cold and stone solid, that you have any pains, and that mommy and daddy died.

On your cursed birthday, the day you came into this world to wreak havoc, nonetheless.

It didn’t matter, closing his eyes, because tears invariably came.

He cried again and again, throughout the night, where he found it hard to sleep.

***

It’s Good to Keep Habits That You’ll Have Your Whole Life

The next morning, Jay had found that he had slept— only after great hardship.

He stood up from the floor, bringing himself to his senses, and realized that he had just slept on a kitchen floor all night. He didn’t know where else he should stand, so, already having enough of the kitchen and looking to stand anywhere but in it, he walked to the sofa once more, stood around it for a moment, then promptly sat down.

Under the impression sitting up straight and proper would keep him from an orphanage, Jay’s rigidness was just as comfortable as the kitchen floor.

Seeing as his uncle seemed to have yet to wake up, however, he relaxed, and slightly rest his back on the sofa behind it. Then, far from the mood for anything else, he thought once more about his parents.

He realized that yesterday, he had only spiraled into believing he was a terrible child. There was nothing he did so terrible to make anyone believe so, nonetheless himself. It must’ve been a sort of panic that he dreamt this statement up in— certainly, he wasn’t bad. Always trying your best and speaking little than less surely couldn’t make anyone a bad person, let alone a child.

But something kept telling him that yes, he was bad, and that all of this had been his fault.

Many such realizations occurred. One of which being that he was in his pajamas, and had been since yesterday morning.

However, that was now the least of his worries, as his uncle had walked into the room, a bundle of clothes in his hands. He dropped them onto Jay’s lap as he gave him one simple command.

“I don’t care where you go, but you can’t stay here.”

…at least it wasn’t an orphanage.

But it was nowhere.

And now, was he homeless?

He suddenly preferred the orphanage. It was, as he had needed, a place to stay and food.

His uncle had told him, still. He had to go now.

So, staring at the change of clothes he had been given, Jay asked a single question.

“Can’t I at least change here before I go?”

His uncle glared at him as if it was a given.

So, Jay went to the bathroom to change. He folded his soft pajamas neatly, wondered where he could put them, figured they had to stay in his arms, and made his way out.

No longer was his uncle out and about. He was tucked away, into a corner of wherever, away from where Jay was. He could not see him. He didn’t not have to even think about him.

Either way, Jay was as good as gone, and intending on going. He felt as if he had no other choice.

So, with a rising idea of where to go next, and all his dread quelled by the fact that he needed to now think of a solution for his new problem, Jay left his uncle’s house in his child-like confusion.

The idea of where to go— why not to the paper factory? He wanted to intern there every second of the day, and in light of recent events, he had the strong sense that it would help him collect himself and calm down. Plus, no one there would drive him out. He felt he was safe there. Off he went, then.

A little embarrassed, as he was holding pajamas in his hands, Jay tucked them in tighter to his hold and pretended it was something he had picked up for an errand. He passed each snow-crunching step with a heart beat that began to race and a quickly dismissed thought about his parents. It all carried him to the office in quite the exciting manner.

When he walked inside, he wanted to pretend like nothing bad had ever happened. This was so that he could stay quiet, just like he always had. No more answering questions. Just the simple few while he was sitting at the rock was enough interrogation for his lifetime.

But, of course, someone waved good morning to him, and another spoke their greeting.

“Good morning, Jay! You’re so early. Don’t you have school?”

Well… that was true. He did have school. However, he didn’t go to it yesterday— and he probably should have…

But his mother died, so that was his excuse.

And plus, he didn’t know if he should be more concerned with finishing school or finding a way to financially provide for himself.

So, instead of answering this new, unrelated-to-what-questions-were-usually-related-to question, Jay stood and stared at the ground in his lost disbelief, which came across the bridge of realization that he was now his own benefactor.

“What’s the matter, Jay?” They pestered forth, even more questions.

He really should’ve answered, but he didn’t. Jay held his hiatus of words, now searching for something to end it with. He found nothing.

“Are you crying?”

Was he?

Jay wiped at his upper cheek and found he was. He was crying again. Hadn’t he done that enough already?

Great— now, the questions would soon follow. The related-to-what-questions-were-usually-related-to questions.

He had to pull himself together. He was 15, after all.

“I’m sorry. Can I sit down in the break room or somewhere?”

So, Jay sat on the break room sofa, pajamas in his lap as he attempted to nonchalantly cover anyone’s view of them with his arms. He gravely examined the floor—a rug— particularly at a cloud pattern that decorated it. Silence surrounded him as he sat, and it filled his company. He was very cautiously pestered once more, by someone new.

His name was Elio, and he often joked about how anyone could love ‘this stupid job’, and laughed with Jay about it, seeing him grow a smile, obviously in his silent protest. “Hello, Jay!” he proudly proclaimed. “What, skipping school now? Shameful, really, how could you love this place so much? These walls are a prison that bind me to my debts…”

Jay kept his quiet, which would have usually been normal, but the air about him was heavier— so it strangely was abnormal.

Elio’s joking demeanor contented itself to the warmth of these waters of mood, and his face, which blanked with curiosity, suddenly softened as he sat beside Jay.

“Is everything okay?”

Finally!

Oh, how Jay wished to answer! How he wished to shake his head and start bawling his eyes out like he had the moment he left his classroom at 12 years old! But no one wanted to see him cry. Crying was embarrassing. So he said nothing, and clutched the pajamas he held in a response— a response that felt more like an SOS signal.

“Hey, is something going on?” Elio’s face now expressed a concern deeper than the oceans as he placed a hand on Jay’s back.

The warmth of an adult hand, strong like a father’s, made Jay uncomfortably euphoric. He missed his father.

“You don’t have to tell me. I just want to know if you’re safe and aren’t in any danger.”

Jay trembled. “I-I’m safe.” He lied, because he was— if one could call it this— homeless.

Something inside of him kindled when he realized that his uncle hated a 15 year old boy unjustly, possibly just because he had no intention to care for a child, even if it was his own. He didn’t even want to start a family, so how could he even begin to shred an ounce of care for a nephew?

But he was going off into a tangent, a different area of concern. That was not for now.

“You sure? Everything alright with your parents?”

Well, no!

Jay burst into tears.

Elio seemed startled, as his hand on Jay’s back waivered. His goal went to quelling this wave of immense emotion, as his hand stabilized its ground on Jay’s back, and his free hand came around in a calming motion. Now, riddled with ‘oh no I made the kid cry’, Elio breathed apologies and words like ‘it’s okay’ or ‘it’ll be alright’.

But, as they were simply words, they did nothing to help Jay, who now shook with every sob. He was surely being much louder than usual.

Now a crowd was gathering, as Leia, some woman who worked here like everyone else who was in this building, walked in. She blinked, seeing the scene with the utmost confusion.

Elio quietly shrugged, face spelled and soured with its own confusion as it begged for help out here.

Leia briskly made her way over, glancing around, unsure of how to help. She waved her hands, who were without their goals, around without any aim. Then, she stood rigid, and as if she was about to pick up a piece of garbage, she edged closer to the crying child, patting his head rather powerfully.

Being slightly hit on the head, Jay craned his view upward, spied Leia, and immediately stopped his crying.

It became quiet, and Leia, unnerved in the silence, waved at Jay.

After taking a moment to defrost, Jay returned a rigid and, due to a clouded mind, short and uncoordinated wave. He dropped his head once more, then stared at the rug’s cloud pattern, face spelling a total disbelief. The same lost disbelief he wore while looking at the rug previously— though this time, with more of a ‘did I just really cry my guts out’ frequency to it.

Elio rubbed Jay’s back with the hand that was still on it, nodding to Leia, who walked away, still entirely unsure of what was going on.

“I—I’m so sorry, Jay, but I really need to go back to work. I took that shorter week last week— and— it’s not looking good. Financially. And plus, you know how it is, I’ll just be yelled at if I hang around in here— I’d love to hear all about whatever’s on your mind, and I’d love to help, but I really need to get going. Don’t take this too hard— a-and— if you’re still here later, or when I’m on my break, we can talk then. Okay?” He suggested, holding out a hand to initiate a secret handshake.

With low energy and sloppy form, Jay completed the handshake and nodded through his teary despair.

“Okay.” Elio ruffled Jay’s hair, pulling away from his seat next to Jay, his feet leading him to a door the rest of his body was not quite ready to reach. “If you need anything, just ask. I’ll try not to make quite the big scene outside for you.”

Jay didn’t nod a second time, but it was understood that he did.

Elio’s face calmed, spewing relief, and as he walked out, he whispered to someone who had walked in, passing by after a wave. They didn’t stop to converse, it was only a mere passing of information.

Either way, Elio was out, and Jay was given a new question.

“Hello, Jay. Eventful morning?” Aelita asked as she tilted her head to the side. She walked to sit down next to him.

Jay shuddered and didn’t quite respond. Though, he felt much more comfortable to bring himself to do so now. Especially since Aelita was one of his favorite friends, because she was so sickeningly nice. It seemed like she had not a single bad drop of wax.

“School today, hm? What could be so horrible that you chose to come here instead?”

“M—My… something… difficult…”

Aelita nodded, leaving silence for him to continue speaking in.

“…I’m alone…”

“Alone? Not with me.” She added with a cheerful grin. “Why do you feel alone?”

This was hard for Jay to say. In fact, he had never actually said any of it, only thought the damning sentence, so it was strange to summon into reality. Something about this new realization made Jay believe that by simply saying it, it would be set in stone, etched and painted into like a grand mural, pronouncing death and spelling the end of lives that were still living.

But through thinking all of it, Jay wondered if the feeling would happen, so as he grew accustomed to the thought of saying it aloud, he grew more anxious to spill it out already.

“My mother died.”

Aelita barely moved an inch. She looked down, seemingly spying the same spot on the rug Jay had been spying. “Oh, no… that’s just a shame…” she sighed, shaking her head. “I’m so sorry, Jay.”

Jay wondered why people were sorry in this way.

“That’s difficult… can’t I help in any way?”

Well, no. You can only bring them back, but that’s only impossible.

And speaking of them being dead— saying it out loud did in fact feel like it solidified the fact that it had. He realized he had only said his father had died once in his life, so this new and sudden difference in his emotions after saying such a thing appalled him. It was probably because this loss left him with a lot less than when his father had died.

Jay shook his head.

“Okay. I’ll keep you company, then. I can stay here all day— I’ve kept a regularly fair schedule for work as of late.”

“Th-thank you.”

“Of course.” Aelita nodded again. “Does your father know you’re here?”

Aghhhhh. Why must everyone assume you had parents?! It infuriated him, it reminded him that he was utterly alone, and no one loved him the way a parent would anymore— and no one ever would.

“My father is also dead.”

Eyes widened now, Aelita flinched. “Oh, really!” She sighed, even more conflicted than before. “Oh, Jay… that’s just awful… don’t you have any family who can help you?”

He shook his head.

“No family?”

Another shake.

“What a shame… oh, and you’re much too old for an orphanage… you’re alone, just like you said…” with the dots connected finally, Aelita’s face screwed into deep sadness, and she put a hand on Jay’s lap as she mourned with him. “You poor thing… you’ve got nowhere to stay. Do you have any inheritance money, or something your parents left behind to support you?”

Maybe any money his mother had saved would’ve helped, as little as he knew it definitely was. But that was in the rubble of an infested pile of rubble, left from a darkness fire, so he knew he had nothing.

It was like starting from scratch. He had no money whatsoever. He had no job. He didn’t even have breakfast. Soon, surely, he would go hungry, starve, and die. It quelled the most savage sorrows within him, and the hollow pit in his stomach became more apparent. Now, it began to physically pain him again. Surging, pulsing pain…

He shook his head by pulling it side to side, biting on his lip as the tears emerged again.

Immediately, Aelita piped up. “I’ll help. If it’s an issue that money can fix, I’ll help. Don’t you need somewhere to stay, too? You can stay with me. I’ll make sure you go to school and feel better in no time.”

She was so kind… his own uncle didn’t want him!

Jay began to sob again.

“There, there… it’s going to be just fine, Jay…” Aelita muttered, wrapping an arm around Jay and comforting him.

He shuddered like a window shaken by the rain and wind, turning into her, a safe place to cry.

Aelita simply sat there with him, patting his head and calming him down with ease.

People came in and out, Aelita filled them in with facial cues in such a way that they didn’t need to learn what had happened to Jay, and yet so that they would understand he was having a rough time and was working through it.

The time passed, and Aelita, having provided better-than-good company for Jay, provided even more than just her presence— in a literal sense, by giving him snacks and teaching him how to make little crafts out of paper. She eventually calmed him to a silent ease.

Once Elio had arrived, all the relief returned to his face once he saw that Jay was in a much better state than before.

“Oh, Jay… are you okay, bud?”

Jay nodded slowly, turning up to Elio with a glint in his eyes.

Elio’s face washed with even more relief upon seeing such a visage on Jay. “Oh, you’re so cute… so incredibly polite. I wonder who would ever hate this face!” he grinned wide as he walked to Jay, crouching in front of him as he sat to meet his eyes at his level.

Jay couldn’t help but smile, even through all the torturous pain he was feeling. It was almost like smiling was something that overtook him.

Though it seemed to make Elio happy. “Everything okay? Do you need any help from any of us?”

Aelita shook her head. “It’s alright. He just needs somewhere to stay, but I’ve already got him covered.” she smiled warmly.

“Is that so?” Elio turned to Jay. “It’s awfully nice of you to offer to take care of him… say thank you when you can, young man.”

Jay nodded. It occurred to him he hadn’t actually-necessarily accepted Aelita’s offer. However, if she assumed he did, that was all he needed. Saying yes would seem greedy. There always needed to be a clamor of ‘oh, no, it’s okay’ and ‘no, really, I insist’ before something like this was generally accepted. However, the way the situation had framed itself, Jay didn’t need to say he accepted, and he didn’t seem so greedy for it. Either way, although never outright saying so, Jay needed and accepted Aelita’s help. With much, much gratitude. He felt forever indebted to her.

Elio spent his break with the other two, cracking a few jokes and making sure Jay was comfortable, safe, and for the most part, content.

“Well,” he spoke in a tone that made it obvious that he was about to leave. “I’m glad to see you’re doing a little better. Don’t be too hard on yourself, Jay, whatever it is you’re dealing with.” he advised as he ruffled the child’s hair once more. “If there’s anything you need from me, you can ask. Anytime. Without a shadow of a doubt.”

Jay, who turned up to look at Elio, nodded over and over again, affirming each offer, an incredible sadness welling up in his stomach as each was made.

“Okay. Bye, now. Stay safe, and always return home before it gets dark.” Elio’s final piece of advice was given as he left the break room, going back to work.

Jay hadn’t moved from his seat in a good few hours, and remained this way even before the day waned away into its final hours.

Aelita had been warned by someone who dipped into the break room for a moment that the boss was ‘getting really pissed off that you’re not working right now’, to which she laughed off, and wondered aloud why she and Jay spent all day in the break room. This little interaction led her to the conclusion that now was a good time to leave, and she walked out (actively avoiding wherever her boss could possibly be) with Jay, who held onto his pajamas— or, his errand— and pretended to be needing them still.

“You feel much better now, don’t you?” Aelita confirmed as they left the building. “Still, it must be such a heavy thing for you to deal with.”

Jay nodded to both the question and the answer.

“I can’t imagine how much you’d have to process. I really am so sorry that it all had to happen.”

He nodded again.

Aelita grinned as she looked down at him. “Well, it’ll get better. You’ll be just fine when you grow up.”

Jay could only nod.

“But, hey, you’re already quite mature, aren’t you? You’re so polite, and you’re good at holding conversations with adults.” Aelita complimented him with a cheerful smile. “You’ll be just fine, indeed. You’ll be good. All you have to do is get through this tight spot…”

Jay couldn’t nod forever, so he didn’t. But, of course, like everything, it was understood.

When they arrived at Aelita’s house, she introduced him to every room, told him to ask for whatever he needed, and finally, set him down with a book she recommended as she got his guest room ready.

The book turned out to start off quite strong, but nonetheless a very intriguing and entertaining beginning. Jay continued to read, thankful for something to drag his thoughts away from him.

He read and read, until, in dwelling on the meaning of a word, he fell back into his own thoughts, a trap to him, and he couldn’t come back up from them again. He thought about all the things he was missing in losing both parents at such a young age. He thought about how his thoughts were incoherent and messy, being so young, unable to process anything at such an age.

The urge to cry swelled, but he held it back. It didn’t feel right to cry so many times in one day. It only made him feel powerless, empty, one-noted and like he had no deeper thought behind himself. If he could only cry, only sob without a word, he felt he had no personality. Already being silent for the most part, he didn’t express his real thoughts, and therefore, he didn’t look like anything but a sobbing, shallow child to anyone who saw him.

He barely even professed these real thoughts to himself. He didn’t bring them up, or really even think things in general. It was a strange state of existence. Jay then figured it was probably like when he was seven or younger, when he thought things, but it was unclear what he thought of, as his life was full of menial happiness that passed like clouds on a breezy, cheery day.

Sitting on Aelita’s sofa, book dropped into his lap, sharing the space with those pajamas, staring half-conscious, half-alive, at the space between the window and the ground, Jay promised himself he would begin to think.

He didn’t know where to begin.

So he simply started.

I will think from now on. He thought.

It seemed quite easy, but then again, just as many things such as this were, it would act just as a behavior that he promised he would automate, only to have it naturally never occur as planned.

I just have to keep thinking. Soon, it will be as natural as rain and sun.

Despite his worries, the action felt more permanent with practice.

Oh. A damning thought occurred. I’m in Aelita’s house. I am, with as much sincerity as I fear, am homeless. Though, I really feel as if I cannot say that I am, as I am simply a child without any parents. That makes me an orphan, but nothing more than that. It would only make sense for me to say I am homeless if I were legally allowed to own a home. I fear I am far too young for that.

There. That was a thought.

I might be denying myself the right to be sad. Being sad is something I have the right to do. As a whole, feeling person, I have the right to feel sad… so why do I deny myself such? Deny I have nothing… it is like putting my suffering so low because I fear I have not suffered enough to call it so.

To whom does the value of my suffering concern? To whom do I mild my suffering to, and why do I ease its digestion by denying I am suffering? If I suffer whole, then those whom I share my suffering with should feel my whole suffering. That way, the whole sorrow, in its entirety, is shared, and I leave nothing unshared— so that the shared sorrow can become a half sorrow.

He thought some more.

There. I could say I am homeless, because I am without a home. I am also without a single item other than these pajamas and these clothes. I am also without a mother and a father. I lack quite a bit. Even a stable personality. I fear I am a stranger even to myself.

It is suffering.

Oh, how I ache to cry.

Jay trembled once, figuring he should allow himself to cry, to be sad, because it would be quite counterintuitive to refuse himself such after thinking of avoiding just such a thing.

So, he controlled a single tear, and let it drop.

Mom. Dad. I miss them.

It’s infuriating. Who decided I should be without mother and father so soon?

One day, I will find who murdered my father, and learn of just how that darkness, a spore or what— got into home and my mother.

I will kill to undo this curse placed upon me.

He watched the snow begin to innocently fall outside, through the window, as if he didn’t just swear to kill to find out how exactly his suffering came to be.

At least I don’t suffer more. The pain is minuscule. It is an event that occurred a single time— twice, really— but it cannot occur anymore.

I don’t have two fathers to lose, after all. Nor do I have two mothers.

But wouldn’t I love to have more…

I only have one of each to lose, and I lost them.

I cannot get them back.

Such a tragedy, people being special, and people being uniquely singular…

Though, yes… if I lived through constant torture, where if, every day was a battle, with myself or other, I am sure I would go mad.

He hugged his stomach, which felt hollow until it hurt him again, and laid back on the couch.

If I was capable of deeper thought, I would think all the time. I should talk to those with a broader understanding of feelings such as this to broaden my own.

Aelita walked in as he pondered, seeing him staring off at the ceiling, laying back, away from the book.

“Is the book a little too boring for you?”

Jay stirred, sitting up.

He figured he could speak his mind.

“No. It’s quite interesting.”

Aelita blinked at his sudden eagerness to answer questions, seeing how he was so shiftingly avoidant only hours prior.

His reaction to the question, and the plain, unwavering stare he gave afterwards as if this was his relatively normal behavior, seemed to serve as a reminder that he was simply quiet out of politeness, a sudden change in his demeanor after his father’s death, and a preference for quiet that deemed him usually unanswering of questions. He had no trouble confidently answering when he was required to.

Reminded, then, Aelita nodded. “Why aren’t you reading it, then? It’s only a curious question.”

“Because my mind has wandered, and I have stopped to collect its thoughts before it wanders too far from me.”

That was a sufficient answer.

“Hm, I see. There’s always a lot to think of in the situation you’re in.”

“Yes. For a moment, I nearly began to concern myself with finances. I realized I might have to learn what interest is in order to be able to support myself.”

Aelita smiled. “I’m always here to teach you how.”

“Thank you. Forgive me for asking such a question, but how old are you? I only ask to get a sense of the ‘level of adulthood’ you rest at.”

“I’m 30 years old.” Aelita added with a slightly embarrassed smile. “Though, I don’t look so old, do I? Do I look young and beautiful, still?”

Jay nodded. “Yes, you are beautiful.”

“That’s good.” She grinned. “As you know, women concern themselves with things like that. I envy that you don’t have to, especially since you’re naturally quite a handsome young man.”

Jay smiled. “Thank you.”

Aelita returned a smile. “Oh, and, what I came here to tell you! Your guest room has been made, so you can simply go in whenever you’d like. Just treat this place as your own, okay?”

“Once again, thank you. I feel forever indebted to your kindness.”

“You’re such a little gentleman!” Aelita commented. “Who taught you to speak like that?”

Jay shrugged, with an embarrassed yet flattered grin. “Excuse my lack of modesty, but it’s something that simply came natural to me.”

“Well, hold onto it. Such a way of speaking will serve you well. Yes, the way I see it, Jay, you’ll grow up to be just fine. You’re already so much like an adult now, you’ll practically grow up quicker than everyone else your age.”

It worried Jay. He always felt that his sudden realization at 12, only four years after his father’s death, his whimsical period of childish joy of which should only last for those under eight, had only then began to leave him. He stayed a child until late… so if he only spent a few meaningless years as the in between until an adult, how would that churn his character? It felt quite wrong to skip from being a child straight to an adult.

I’d like to stay a teenager for a longer time. I feel much like a child now, rather than a teenager, so I should hope that I somehow properly age in order to not miss those years.

I surmise that I can only spend the rest of that time without any worry for the future, then. Spend Aelita’s kindness well, but not so exhaustingly. Only that way will I remain the age I wish to be.

He smiled, kindly regarding Aelita’s compliment with a polite dip of his head, a sort of nod so small it turned into something else entirely, and dwelled on his thoughts more.

If he did what he had just decided to do, he knew his life could continue feeling light. Just the way it had been. Like every breeze was made to gently blow his hair through the wind, like every pillow and blanket was made soft enough to provide him the most delicate of comfort.

That and the new, permanent sense of dread that made his stomach a mining town.

“Would you like anything to eat? Did you have breakfast this morning?” Aelita asked, seeing his gaze drop to the ground again.

“Maybe something small, if you have it.” replied Jay. There it was, using the kindness as intended. If he needed it, and to make himself comfortable.

Aelita nodded, mulling over what she could possibly give Jay. “I do… I can make something really quickly. How does that sound?”

“Fine, thank you.” Jay added.

With that, Aelita wandered off into the kitchen, and Jay continued to sit and stare at the same spot he had been burning his eyes into moments before.

From the kitchen, Aelita made conversation, seeing as Jay was perfectly lost in his mind. “Do you miss your parents much?”

“As of late, I do. It’s difficult to not think about them, especially since I’ve just got my mother. And when I think of them, I feel like I can’t think of anything but them— and I begin to feel like a shallow person.”

“Why does it make you feel shallow?”

“Because if all I think of is them, I feel like I need to cry. But having cried so much already, I fear that I soon will cry out any meaning that I have as a person. I already can’t comprehend deeper thoughts and meanings, so I would lose any I have.”

Aelita nodded from the kitchen. Her face held a certain quality. “Hm, it must be difficult, then…”

Jay didn’t want to admit so. But it was.

“To me, you are full of enough meaningful thoughts. If there are any more I can’t see, I’m sure they’re all very deep and contemplative.”

“Do you really have that much faith in me?”

“Oh, of course I do!” Aelita groaned as if she had been wildly pointing at a sign to be read, but was miserably failing at getting anyone to read it. “Haven’t I complimented you enough about how mature you are? If anything, all I have in you is faith. You’re better off than you think you are in matters concerning how you’ll care later on in life and in the way you’re perceived.”

Jay smiled. “I don’t mean to keep fishing for compliments from you…”

“You make it too easy to compliment you, though.” She returned a smile, pausing her cooking.

“Do I?” Jay cocked his head to the side as Aelita nodded. “You play a part, too, as you make it seem too easy to compliment. You always congratulate me in everything I do. You always ask if I’m alright, and how my day has been. In general, you’re just a kind person. You’re one of the sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I feel that this, your nature, is another key in why you compliment me endlessly…”

Aelita began to laugh.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know where I’m getting to.” Jay sighed. He thought he saw the reason she started to laugh. “That was me trying to subtly compliment you, by saying you’re a nice person for complimenting me all the time. Did you get it, or was I making it too confusing?”

“No, no, it’s alright. You’re very amusing, Jay.”

“Thank you. Oh, there it is again…”

“Hm, I barely noticed. I guess you were right. Compliments are part of my nature.”

Jay shrugged and softly grinned.

Aelita soon finished her cooking, served Jay the final product, and left him alone to do whatever he wanted as she went out shopping for groceries, explaining that she now had to cater to a second palate (of which she learnt of after a few quick questions).

So, Jay retired to his guest room, admiring the cleanliness of it. However, it held a certain sadness, being empty and holding barely any color.

He sat on the bed, where he placed his pajamas at the base of, and eventually spiraled to laying down, and finally broke into tears. He had been holding them in for quite a while, feeling shallower once they were let out.

I’ll never make any memories with them again. I’ll never be tucked into bed. I’ll never eat their cooking. I will be without them for the rest of my life.

It can’t be…

But it was.

No…

Jay curled up on the bed, sobbing again and again.

***

Jay spent a good deal of time in Aelita’s home. He, in fact, hadn’t left it for two weeks. Not even for school. Aelita had told Jay that if he hadn’t felt well, or that he still could not take his mind off of his parents, he didn’t have to go anywhere. All he had to do was make sure he felt alright.

So, in doing so, he hadn’t left at all. He really quite preferred it— going out felt like a long drag, and he wasn’t quite ready for the drag and even what came afterward. He was quite content, quite comfortably, quite frankly quite alright in the same place he had been for the past two weeks. So far, nothing seemed to change that, so there it stayed, and here he stayed.

For matters concerning entertainment, Jay often spoke with Aelita, learnt from her how to cook something, promptly messed it up terribly trying to replicate it alone, did some chores when he felt like being polite, read books, engaged in intellectual conversation to deepen his thoughts, and tried to find anything he was passionate for. And thought about his parents, of course.

There was no doubt that he was just fine.

He was now eating dinner, something Aelita had made, for he could not stand his own cooking any longer, and was swinging his legs softly under the table as he poked food onto his fork.

Aelita was rummaging around her cabinets in the kitchen, her own plate sitting across Jay’s, getting colder in her absence.

Jay occasionally glanced at her, figuring it a shame that her food was waiting and cooling without her. He, personally, wouldn’t miss the meal, especially since it was so good— but he figured that Aelita, as the cook, wouldn’t care to miss it. She could simply make it again.

But she wasn’t long, as she came over with a bottle and a glass, placing the glass down, popping open the bottle with something sharp and tool-shaped, and pouring the drink into her glass.

Jay watched curiously as the bottle dripped dark, colorfully vibrant liquid into the glass.

Noticing this, Aelita joked with a strange face. “Do you want some?”

“What is it?”

“Wine.” She added simply. “I haven’t had it in forever, as you’ve occupied my thoughts rather than it, but tonight, it’s back to the old routine.” with a shrug, she added like it was normal.

Jay blinked. “Oh, I see. What does it taste like? You must like it.”

“I do,” she spoke as she sat, picking up her fork. “I don’t really know quite how to describe the flavor. You really can only taste it yourself…” she swirled her glass. It was almost inviting.

…really, what does it taste like then…?

Her face seemed strange.

Maybe she’d think I’m a little daring if I try. That would be interesting… wouldn’t it?

The way the air felt around Aelita— it was inviting, yes.

Jay watched the glass. “Can I have some, then?”

“Can’t you tell a joke from a normal question?” Aelita asked, tone hinting at being blown away from the question. “I was joking when I asked if you wanted some.”

“Well, you said you can’t quite describe the taste without tasting it, and I feel rather curious.”

Aelita looked up, sighing, definitely wondering if he was serious. “Really, you want some?”

“Sure.” Jay shrugged.

“Well… I suppose you’ll be fine.” Aelita shrugged. “You’re old enough, and older than you seem— you’re practically already an adult.”

Jay didn’t know about that, but he was surely curious.

“I’m actually quite curious, too. So, if you think you’re old enough…”

“I do.” Jay nodded. The curiosity won him over.

Aelita raised an eyebrow and stifled a laugh, being surprised again and again. “That was rhetorical. You think you really are old enough?”

“Sure.”

“Adults drink wine…”

“You were just about to give me some, though!” Jay pointed out. “And plus, you say I’m old enough already. I’m practically an adult.”

“How eager you are! Alright, then…” Aelita sighed. “It couldn’t hurt you that much. I’ll get you a glass.”

Jay said nothing, still sitting in his seat, not having touched his dinner for a moment. Now, he brimmed with excitement, wondering if she would actually pour him a glass. Then, his thoughts wandered, wondering if he was really curious enough to try a glass. But he was here now, and acted as if he really wanted a glass, so he would get what he wanted.

Stars. I think I might just be a total idiot.

Aelita had come back with a glass, which she placed in front of Jay, and poured the wine up to less than a half of the glass. “There it is. Not too much.” She chuckled once more, now surprised at herself. “Go crazy,” she joked.

Jay stared at the glass intently. He picked it up, held it, and felt an intense rush. Now, he was scared, and his curiosity grew even larger with his fear. He was scared it was here, but curious yet again that it was, and now, he felt he could be pushed to the edge of impulse, and any sudden move would make him cave and actually try.

The sudden move was Aelita’s eyes on him, also quite curious. He knew that she seemed quite incredulous to his sudden craving for the drink, and so it was only reasonable for her to watch and see if he actually went through with it.

To go through with it. She was waiting. And she could possibly go, ‘ah, you didn’t really want it, I knew it!’ if he bailed out. So…

Pushed to the edge of impulse, Jay downed the entire drink in one go, and for dramatic effect, placed the glass somewhat loudly on the table, just as sopping drunks on their thousandth glass always did. Swallowing the drink was the scariest part, and his heart raced, but after it was over, it calmed.

“…you drank that quickly!” Aelita remarked, in total disbelief. “You really did want it, didn’t you?”

Jay nodded. His stomach lurched.

“You’re either crazy, or much more of an adult than I had realized.”

Jay shrugged, managing a grin as instant regret hit him.

“Hmm. Maybe I’ll teach you about interest rates tonight.”

“Maybe,” Jay choked, clearing his throat. The drink didn’t taste terrible— in fact, it tasted wonderful to him, but the after effects were so twisted with fear that he must’ve convinced himself he would soon explode as a result of drinking it.

Aelita cocked her head to the side. “You look like you didn’t like it.”

“No, I did.” Jay admitted. “Only a little frightened of it, is all…”

“Why is that?”

“Maybe my curiosity got the best of me.”

Aelita chuckled. “Well, you’re not dead. It doesn’t hurt.”

Jay blinked. She was right, it hadn’t, and really, didn’t. “I suppose you’re right. I might need to wash down this fear with more.” He joked.

“Oh, please, that’s all for you tonight.”

Jay chuckled, but with saying that, he felt he really did want more.

“You look serious about it!” Aelita remarked.

Jay laughed more.

“Oh, you are! You really are an adult!”

“Do you think so?” Jay asked, still laughing, as he didn’t want to admit to his secret desire.

Aelita nodded wildly. “A little adult, an adult stuck in a child’s body. You must be possessed by a soul that’s already lived a very old life.”

Jay laughed at that, and maybe he laughed a little too hard. “That’s impossible!”

“It could be possible. I could’ve sworn it  happened to my buddy Eric once.”

“Do you even know anyone named Eric?!” Jay laughed again.

Aelita stared at him seriously. “…maybe you’re still a little too young.” she commented as she saw clearly what was going on, quite surprised it was already happening.

“No, I feel so old already!”

“Uhm… okay…” Aelita, burning with embarrassment and at fault completely, nervously stood and dragged Jay from his chair. “Why don’t you go to bed early tonight?”

“But I haven’t finished my dinner.”

“That’s okay. You can just leave it.”

Jay blinked. He straightened his back, walking with Aelita to his guest room, but found that he placed his feet where he didn’t want them to go. This was a difficult thing to control.

“Uh— just lean onto my arm—“ Aelita provided as she put an arm around Jay, walking him into his room.

Jay blinked, looking around the dark room. “My stomach hurts.” He added, blinking rapidly.

“Yeah. I think that your curiosity has led you to a very, very bad situation.”

Jay groaned. “You enabled it.”

“Let’s talk less about this whole situation, shall we?”

Jay flopped onto his bed the moment he came close enough for contact with it.

“Do you feel alright…?”

“MNO.” Jay, muffled by his blankets,  muttered. “My stomach hurts.”

“Well.” Aelita remarked, to herself now. “I am certainly very responsible.”

Jay didn’t say anything more.

***

It’s Good to Experience Things That You’ll Remember Your Whole Life

Jay somehow managed to get his hands on more later. Really, every night. Then Aelita told him that he was very good at spending all her money. Of course, that was a joke, but it made Jay feel bad, so he stopped.

Not for long.

He was starting to think he already had a problem. Especially since it was good for exactly what Aelita said it was good for— forgetting you existed and that anything else did, either.

It helped Jay forget about his parents, so with it, he felt less sad.

It also helped him remember them even more once he didn’t have any.

Vicious cycle!

I need to stop, he thought.

It was very easy for him to do so. He simply let Aelita stop him when he asked, and distracted himself when he thought of his parents.

But still, something inside of him— he felt wasn’t quite right. He thought he had traced it back to drinking wine for the first time, but he quickly found whatever it was went much deeper.

There was something wrong with him.

Something.

He thought this with intense sorrow and longing, like there was something lost, vast in the world, somewhere, and it had seen great tragedy, had turned into a monster, and now was murderous yet wistful for what had happened wherever it had somewhere down the line.

Something was wrong with him.

Just what?

He had the feeling it was probably grief still messing with his head. It was still very foggy up there, as he had trouble clearing it up, and he was still trying to get it back to normal. The sorrows didn’t help, and believing he had no personality and was a shallow person didn't, either.

“Hey, Jay, can you come in here really quickly?” Called Aelita from the living room.

Jay had been in his guest room, laying on the bed and thinking. He turned to the door, gathered all his strength to stand up, and with great difficulty, walked to the living room.

“Yes, do you need me?” Jay looked around for Aelita.

She wasn’t there.

“Aelita?” He called out.

She came from her room. “Yes?”

“What do you need…?” He asked, somewhat suspiciously. She had been in the living room and wanted him there. “Are you playing a joke on me?”

Aelita’s face scrunched up in confusion. “No.”

“I thought you called me.”

“I didn’t.” She cocked her head to the side. “Pfft, did you have something to drink?”

“No.” Jay shook his head. “Not for a long time, either.”

“Uh-huh. Okay, well, I don’t need you, so…”

Jay blinked. “Okay.” He nodded slowly as Aelita regressed.

I could’ve sworn she called me! Jay thought, appalled. Her voice was as clear as day. I could’ve never made such a mistake.

He made his way back to his room and laid down on the bed once more, going back to thinking.

“Oh, sorry, Jay, I do need you!” Aelita called.

Jay, irritated, as he had just laid back down again, dragged himself to stand as he walked into the living room.  “What? What is it?” he looked around again.

Aelita was not there.

“You’re joking with me!” Jay exclaimed.

The noise made Aelita leave her room again. “What?”

“You called my name again.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Well, you must have! I heard you again!”

Aelita raised an eyebrow. “Are you going crazy?”

“No! I am not crazy. There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s just been rough. You know that! I'm not crazy!”

Aelita looked at him sadly. “You’re very defensive about it.”

“Because I’m not crazy.” Jay added. “I thought I heard you call me.”

“Sorry, I didn’t. Are you sure you haven’t had anything to drink?”

“I am sober.”

“Okay. Well… I didn’t call.”

“Are you lying?”

“Nope. Have you slept?”

Jay looked down, in his lost disbelief. “Not much. I'm tired.”

Aelita nodded. “There. Then that’s what’s wrong. Go to bed now, and don’t let your thoughts keep you up any more.” She patted his head. “Just think of something else, something nicer, like your favorite food or a book you’ve read, and it’ll all go away.”

Nodding slowly, Jay muttered. “Okay.”

Aelita smiled and went back to her room.

Jay did the same, this time, closing the door, and changing into his pajamas to go to bed. No dinner, but that was alright.

He got into bed, made himself comfortable, and closed his eyes.

“JAYYY, I NEED YOU!” Aelita’s voice called. “SOMETHING JUST CAME UP!”

Jay, furious, shifted in bed, got up, opened the door, looked around to find Aelita nowhere, and slammed the door so hard it shook the entire house. He went back to bed, pushed to furious tears.

Aelita came in.

Oh, so she was calling, and I wasn’t going crazy!

She stood at the door for a moment. “Jay, I need you. Didn’t you hear me calling…?”

Jay sat up. “I thought I was just imagining things again.”

Aelita looked at him with a plain face. It hid thousands of thoughts. “No, I really was calling.”

Blinking at his tears, Jay sat there, a little surprised. “Oh, then… I’m sorry for not coming.”

“That’s alright. I just need your help with some sewing. I’ll let you sleep, I promise.” She smiled warmly.

Jay nodded slowly. “Okay. I’m going to change out of my pajamas, then.”

“If it’s too much of a hassle, you don’t need to. I’ll only need you for a moment, anyways.”

Jay tilted his head to the side.

“Oh, just come as you are, it won’t take all night.” Aelita gave in as she walked off without Jay.

He slightly jumped. Then he followed.

Aelita was already at her seat, at her desk’s light, holding two pieces of fabric when Jay walked in.

“Come here, you can’t help from there.” She beckoned.

So, Jay came closer, and eyed her work. It was a stylish blouse, soft blue.

“Can you hold these two pieces of fabric up just like I’m doing now?”

“Okay,” Jay spoke as he pulled a chair up next to Aelita. He sat at it, took the fabric as Aelita held it to him, and watched as she continued her work on it, sewing a hem— or something that Jay assumed was a hem. He didn’t know, he couldn’t sew.

She worked quite diligently and silently. From the looks of it, she didn’t need his help at all. This was very simple to place on the table steadily— in fact, it looked like it was even more of a struggle to sew this way.

“…why do you need me to hold this? I’m only curious.”

“Ah, you and your curiosity.” Aelita clearly regarded events past. “Just hold it there.”

So Jay held onto it, as the job wasn’t hard.

Once Aelita finished her sewing, she nodded to Jay so he could know when to let go. She took the fabric back in her hands and set it on the table.

“Alright, that should be that. You can go now. Thank you for your help.”

Jay blinked, then nodded slowly. “Okay.”

“Goodnight. If you feel restless and want some dinner, just call me.”

Jay nodded. “Thank you,” his voice was now turning into a whisper.

“Mhm.” Aelita turned back to her work.

So, Jay went to bed, and Aelita didn’t call him again.

So she really was playing a joke on me.

Jay thought to himself as he closed his eyes to sleep. However, this was simply impossible to do. He lay in bed, unable to close his eyes. Unable to sleep.

It felt like ages until his door opened a crack. It could only be Aelita.

He slowly shifted, turning to the door.

“Ah, you’re awake.” She kept her voice soft. “I was just wondering if you were. Can you sleep?”

“No, not really.” admitted Jay.

“Do you want some dinner?”

Jay sat up, sighing. “Sure.”

“Okay. I’ll wait for you.” Aelita left him with that as she closed the door.

So, in the dark, Jay changed out of his pajamas, figuring he couldn’t eat in them, and then walked out.

Aelita had nearly finished making dinner. She spotted Jay, and smiled at him. “Did you get even a bit of sleep in?”

“No.” Jay shook his head. “I just can’t seem to.”

“Strange. It’s only happening now?”

He nodded.

“Hm. Maybe you just need something to help you with that…” Aelita shrugged. “Maybe some warm food.”

“Maybe.” Jay added as he sat on the sofa in wait.

“Hopefully it helps!” She sighed. “You need it. It sounds like you’re going through another rough patch?”

Jay was only now sleepily staring off, but still far from actual rest. He nodded.

Aelita shook her head apologetically. “Yes, you’ll get through it… how have you been feeling lately?”

“Just as I always do.”

“Thinking about your parents much?”

Jay blinked. “No,” he lied.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He didn’t want to worry her, but truthfully, as he knew, he was thinking about them more than much. “It’s only a little confusion. I’m still trying to process both deaths.”

Aelita hummed from the kitchen. “How long ago did your father die?”

“When I had just turned eight. My birthday.”

“Oh, really? How tragic… and you’re 14 now?”

“15. My mother died the day I turned 15, too.”

Aelita’s surprise radiated from the kitchen. “Again? That’s such a sorry thing.”

Jay shrugged.

“Will you ever celebrate your birthday again?”

Jay thought about it. “I haven’t for a while. I might, I don’t know. But it would feel strange to.”

Aelita nodded slowly. “I see. Well… dinner is ready, so let me just get things ready.”

“I’ll set the table,” offered Jay, dragging himself to stand, regretting his decision to do so. Now, he would much rather sit— but he knew that, sitting, he would have preferred to offer help and appear nice and courteous.

As he helped Aelita set the table, sleepiness crept up on him. The difficult sort of sleepiness that wasn’t quite ready for bed, though.

No matter what, however, Aelita gave him his dinner, which he ate with little enthusiasm as she stared at him.

“Do you feel alright?” She asked, her own plate untouched. She barely got around to, as she had been examining Jay.

Jay looked at his food. Then he looked at Aelita. There was not a single trace of empathy on his face.

Aelita frowned. She felt quite sorry for him.

“No.” He answered, voice breaking. “Was it really you who called?”

“…yes, I called.”

“Why did you at first pretend that you hadn’t?”

“Sorry. It was a cruel joke.” Her own tone became hard and cold. “Though, I admit, it was funny. Quite difficult to pull myself together.”

Jay blinked. All he did was stare.

I wonder what I’m like when I’m mad.

“It does get boring here sometimes. I see why you did that.” Jay mused, glancing down at his food. “It was funny, you’re right. I slammed the door very hard.”

Aelita nodded. “I came back in to pretend to actually have something for you to do after that. The joke was taken too far.” Her voice was still grave and cold.

Jay suddenly felt a pang of danger, though he didn’t know why. “That’s alright.”

“Mhm.” Aelita’s nod became slower and slower, until she stopped, staring at Jay.

He stared back. “Do you suddenly get a feeling something terrible is going to happen?”

“No. It’s probably because of how tense we are right now.”

Jay sighed, letting out his stress as he did. It didn’t work. “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Aelita commented, looking down at her food— her eyes kept on Jay for quite far beyond where her head was turned until she got far enough— and then began to eat.

The tension, like this, was dispelled. Jay stared at his own food and poked a little on his fork to put in his mouth.

“I kinda wanna taste that wine again.” He spoke suddenly. “It’s only for the taste, though. You were right. You can’t quite put your finger on it.”

Aelita looked at him. There was something going on behind her eyes, but as always, it remained a mystery to Jay. “Y’know what, sure…” she muttered, going to get him it.

Jay fiddled with his thumbs, nervousness rising in him. Things were changing. They were really changing.

Aelita gave him the glass, and sat back down.

That was the only thing he had for dinner. It was the only thing he could bring himself to swallow.

***

The habit became worse.

Another tense night arrived, where Jay had been set on edge for no apparent reason.

When Aelita glanced at him in the normal way she always did, his heart immediately jumped, and it frightened him terribly.

“What did you just look at me for?”

“Nothing?” Aelita, confused, spoke.

“But…” Jay protested, then realized he was only feeling unwell again… and put an end to his remonstrance.

That night, Jay asked for two glasses, and he got them.

Aelita stopped looking sadly at him whenever he did. She gave him an incomprehensible look.

Truthfully, Jay hated it, hated all of it— and realized that at this age, he should not be doing what he did— and once more, traced it back. When he looked back at the first instance, he realized that something about the air pressured him— what he really wanted to say was that, no, starting this wasn’t his fault, he was only a child— but looking for a way to say that made him sound more at fault. However, truthfully, he had been set on edge as he had been now, pressured— and— it had always been strange, how Aelita pushed the agenda that he was an adult, acted like an adult, and that time, he went along with it, even if he wanted with all of his heart to be simply a teenager. He wanted to stop this, and he could— he did it before easily— but at the same time, there was always something about the way Aelita went about telling him no, something hidden behind the sadness— a certain, very, very repressed and hidden motive— he could see the same here, even as her emotions changed, no longer was she sad— but still, he could see, in the very tiny crevices of her eyes, whatever that hidden emotion was, still crawling in her.

Or maybe he was going insane. Maybe Aelita was nice, as she always had been, and hadn’t been secretly controlling things like what he did and how he thought about himself with simple pressures, words, and looks that seemed controlled even to the tiniest bit.

When he thought of this, he knew he must have lost it, but when he thought of the sudden feeling of danger he had that night she kept calling him…

That night, too— what was that for?

She called his name, pretended she hadn’t, and suggested he was crazy.

Jay suddenly felt a whine emerge within him. He felt like a trapped, scared animal. He felt like he was being watched, like he was being controlled, but even his own self told him he was acting crazy, acting on confusion, acting like this just because he was on edge and feeling unwell.

The scary thing was that beneath it all, he knew it could be true— he knew it was. Only, it was illogical, it didn’t make sense, he sounded at fault, he sounded out of his mind. He sounded like a bad person for thinking all of this.

Oh, but I know it’s true! There’s something here! I’m not a bad person, and I’m not crazy, I swear! I might be out of my usual state, I might be deep in grief and this terrible habit, but I know I’m not crazy. Oh, how crazy I sound saying so.

He imagined being dragged away saying he wasn’t crazy over and over again.

There’s something going on. I don’t know what— but it’s here, I swear. I swear there’s something. I would accept I am at fault for starting this habit, for feeling unwell, for all of everything— all of it— but I know, there’s something behind it, and I know this is not how I would act, so there must be something behind this.

Please, stars above and Eden below them, please let me be right. I am not bad. I’m only a child. Oh, I must be going crazy— no, even I don’t believe my own self!

Aghhh, there’s something behind it— how can a simple look control such subtle thoughts?!

Maybe it’s because of how small and insignificant these little glances are. They worm their way into my consciousness, at very small places, though the right ones all the same, and slowly form my thoughts?

So then all my thoughts are not mine!

Am I being controlled?

Oh, I’m going crazy. This is so stupid. I am making no sense.

Aelita couldn’t possibly!

I’m going crazy. Help me, someone. Something’s wrong. These thoughts can’t be mine. Someone put them here. I need help.

None of this is even about my parents anymore.

That must’ve been the nail on the head.

Oh, stars, I’ve gone too far.

The ball began rolling.

No, there’s something off, something wrong— something in the way she just— subtly forces me into things— why does she keep calling me an adult?! It isn’t her complimenting me, it’s her pushing the fact that— but why? No, she’s just being nice, what does that have to do with anything?!

It— it— I just don’t like it! Truthfully, I find it creepy…

But— there’s— she can’t know it, can she? She thinks she’s complimenting me. Telling me how mature I am.

Oh, I’m going crazy.

No, it’s just the drinks. I’m probably a little drunk right now. Something of the sort.

AGHH, BUT I SHOULDN'T BE! I AM 15!

There’s something so horribly wrong— there’s something wrong, aghhh, someone, help, someone—

He spiraled as the ball reached terminal velocity, speeding and speeding and speeding.

He realized that his elbows were on the table, and, in terrible distress, his forehead in his palms.

It took only a small, lost yet aimed glance at Aelita to see the same nothingness on her face, the same emotion she held behind all her expressions.

No. I’m going crazy.

She just stares like that.

But there’s no other stare!

Nothing like that! She’s— what does she possibly want?! What does she wish to achieve?! What’s the point?!??

I must be going crazy!

Oh no. I’m going crazy.

Already? I might as well be dead!

No, it’s just the drinks—

—I wouldn’t have even had it—!

—‘curiosity’, what a lie—

—how thick the air had been then—

—no, why do I try to direct the blame from myself to someone else—

—BUT IT’S TRUE!

I saw her face just now!

With my own eyes!

There’s something behind it!

There’s something wrong!

Not with me, with her!

She’s— she’s behind it all.

All of it.

What am I even doing here?!

Help me.

Is no one safe?

Everyone thinks things like this, then!

If she was so nice!

No, I’m crazy, there’s no way she could have—

—I’m just out of my mind!

I’m crazy. I’ve gone insane.

I should be killed.

My head hurts so terribly.

There’s something behind it.

Suddenly, his forehead felt heavy, and it slammed onto the table. He had promptly burned himself out, and lost hold of his consciousness.

***

It was definitely the hardest part.

Jay lifted his head.

And then, Aelita pushed it down.

He knew it was her.

Confusion and fear rose within him. It was dark, and he couldn’t see— so what was going on?

His suspicions grew.

Maybe he wasn’t crazy.

He suddenly struggled, pulling himself away, sitting up, breaking his voice.

“What are you doing?” He asked, already exasperated, the terror stealing his breath. He was already sweaty.

Aelita didn’t respond, but instead, snatched his hand in the pitch dark. She somehow found it. “Don’t worry about it.”

“What are you doing?!” Jay repeated, pulling his leg— it was under something. He managed to map the dark world around him, and pushed his knee onto Aelita’s chest.

“C’mon, just shut up.”

“Wh— no, I—“ Jay lost all ability to put together any coherent words as Aelita pushed his knee off of her.

He pushed her away, horrified, mind racing, screaming ‘no’, but in the dark, it was quite hard to see. He knew he must’ve been in a bedroom, somewhere— bed below him—

But she clasped her hand over his mouth and shut him up quickly.

***

Never, in All My Life

When Jay woke up in the morning, he was seething with rage. He was also exhausted, and his hair was in so many knots it worsened the fury.

He sat up, clutching his shirt, feeling as if he held onto it any harder, his fingers would snap right at his knuckles.

I’m not crazy, am I? Oh, stars, I need to kill her.

Yes. He grew the murderous intent immediately. How could she? How dare she!?

She made him question his own sanity, even, for her to—

She was so selfish.

Jay trembled, shutting eyes tighter and tighter, as if it would erase everything. But nothing could be done. It was over.

He still struggled to grasp the entire concept. Aelita was so nice, and she didn’t seem to have a single drop of bad wax in her. Then, he had slowly figured that there was something wrong with her— the way she looked at him— and that maybe, just maybe, she wasn’t as nice as he thought. And it all slipped away, crumbling down… and he had been right.

He had wanted to be right, just so he wouldn’t seem crazy. But not like this. Anything but this.

He covered his face with his hands, burning up in shame, and struggled to keep away his tears as usual.

What was the point? Why would she do that? For what?

It must’ve been something he was just too shallow to understand.

The whole thing was far from his reach. This was something beyond him completely. The entire setup, too, seemed far out of his level of comprehension— it had only come to his mind too late— and— he needed to leave.

He needed to go somewhere else, to get out of here, and maybe grow up to learn about finances so he could live alone for the rest of his life as an adult who didn’t need to depend on anyone, especially those harboring ill intentions behind their façades of generosity— and never speak of this again. Never think of this again. Just leave it all behind the moment he left this place.

His heart ached terribly.

It felt so dramatic to say it was like his life was ruined, but it most certainly was.

He couldn’t stay here.

Not another second.

So, he eyed what he was wearing, figured pajamas were good enough— he’d gone out in them before— and grabbed his outside clothes and tossed them over his current outfit. No risks.

He made his way out of his room, and as he had expected, saw Aelita.

She turned to him and stared. Now, that same emotion was plastered all over her blank face, barely concealed. Slowly, her face began to display a sly grin, as if she had made her intentions obvious, laid out the plan for Jay quite clearly, and had even given him time to escape it if he picked up on the subtle hints— but he hadn’t, because he was an idiot, and now he had to deal with this pain, this seal, a reminder that he was too stupid to realize, for the rest of his life.

“I need to leave.” He spoke through gritted teeth and bitter tears.

I am an idiot. I really am.

“Oh, not just yet.” Aelita added. “You can’t leave! You’d be outside, alone, no one to help you or care for you. Even adults need help sometimes, don’t you know?”

“I am not an adult.” He spat at her.

Aelita frowned. “That’s awfully rude, talking to me in that tone. After all I’ve helped you with?”

“Shut UP! After what you DID?!” He sobbed as loudly as he possibly could.

Aelita smiled again, sly and mischievous. Yes, she knew exactly what she had done.

“I’m leaving.” Jay reiterated, sucking up his tears. “I don’t care how nice you’ve been or what you’ve given me, but I am leaving.”

“Really? All of this after one little thing? After I’ve done so much?”

Little? Jay felt entirely violated, so yes, it must’ve been very little.

“IT WASN’T LITTLE!” He screamed at her.

“Don’t raise your voice.” She spoke harshly as she drew closer to him.

Jay narrowed his eyes, backing away. “Don’t tell me what to do!”

“Clearly, you’re still quite immature. That’s no way to be, as an adult. And a man, no less.”

Jay turned away from her, walking to the door briskly, wrapping an arm around his stomach. “I don’t care. I’m a child. Don’t call me an adult.” He said the words over and over again as if they would liberate him.

Aelita made no comment as he walked to the door. Then, she piped up. “You can’t leave,”

“Goodbye.” Jay called from it, clearly adding in his final last word, choosing to ignore her and all of this, and reached a hand out to the door.

The doorknob was completely busted.

“You can’t leave, because I have jammed the door.”

Jay tried the door anyway. She was right— it was jammed, somehow, and wouldn’t budge. It just couldn’t twist.

Oh, how odd.

Aelita’s hand swept across a table she walked by Jay. She now stood at the door with him, something behind her back, and placed her hand on the doorknob.

Jay snatched his hand away and drew back.

“I’ve jammed it with this,” Aelita spoke as she pulled out what she had been concealing. It was a hammer. “Somehow, I managed to simply keep the knob unturnable, rather than rip it from the door entirely. Skillful, isn’t it…”

“Let me go.” Jay hoped he had sounded fierce and intimidating, rather than meek and scared colorless, especially when he began to cry again.

Aelita shook her hand sweetly. “No. Neither of us can leave, actually. Unless you’d like to break the door down? I think it must be totally stuck. Believe me, honey, I’ve tried.”

Now, struggling, Jay trembled. “Break it. Break it down, if you dare. If you think you’re so good at jamming doors and if you think you’re so vicious and evil, keeping me here with your sadistic smile.”

“Why would I want to do that?”

“You can’t leave, either. You’re trapped, too.” he tried to point it out, make her see some error, through all his tears.

Aelita laughed.

“You’re not as on top of this as you think you are!” Jay spat at her, pushing the tears away again, already moving from the door. “Don’t act so— you keep saying things— that make it sound like you can toy around with me— just shut up! Let me go! Let me LEAVE!”

Slowly stepping along, following Jay, Aelita swung the hammer around, having fun. “No. You’re supposed to stay here. Think of the outside world— I’m the only person who’ll willingly take care of you, honey.”

“Don’t call me that. Don’t do that.”

“It’s scary and cold out there. If you leave, you’ll have nowhere to go. Then you’ll starve and die, out there in the cold. But I won’t let that happen! I’ll take care of you. Just let me help you, just stay here.” Aelita spoke as she came closer and closer to Jay, the hammer threateningly in her hand, tossed back and forth with sickening joy.

Jay tilted his head down, assuming it could help hide his fear— or whatever else he had let out, including sobs, unenveloping rage, the like. “I’ll figure it out, just let me go.”

“No! I couldn’t possibly help you if you were out there.”

“I don’t NEED your help! You’re SICK— why would y—“

Aelita came up close to him, pressing a hand over his mouth again. “You’ll hurt your voice yelling so much.”

Jay grabbed her hand and ripped it from his face. Yet, in retaliation, she drew the hammer back and grabbed his shoulder. Jay then stumbled— backwards— and Aelita pushed him further, until his back hit a wall, and she was looming over him with her hammer. She lifted a knee up to his stomach and pressed it forward.

The whole ordeal hurt quite a bit. Jay figured he wouldn’t feel so well for a week or two.

“Get OFF OF ME!”

“What’s your problem with me all of a sudden?”

“ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?!” Jay screamed as he pulled his face as far away from Aelita as he could possibly bring it.

Aelita tsked, sighing. “You have a problem with that?”

“YES!”

“It’s only a problem if you make it one.” She tilted her head to the side, face as nonchalant as it could be. This was definitely not a problem. “The entire situation completely dispels itself the moment you accept it’s perfectly fine.”

“But it’s not!” Jay cried.

“Why wouldn’t it be? What makes you think that?”

“I didn’t want it! I didn’t need any of that—“

“Maybe that’s what you think.” Aelita swung the hammer slowly, hitting the space beside Jay’s head. Either a warning or an act of boredom— but it terrorized Jay to his core. “What if— you opened up your mind, and thought of it as a good thing rather than a bad thing? That would help with your shallowness, wouldn’t it?”

“Accept what you did?”

“Yes.”

“You must think I’m an idiot—!”

“I’ve met many adults who are idiots, but you’re not one of them.”

“I AM A CHILD!”

“Once again, you’re yelling. I’ll only warn you one more time.”

Jay pushed his hands up against Aelita, attempting to get her off of him and escape. “Just LET ME G—“

Aelita drew the hammer back, then swung it into his stomach.

A loud crack resounded, and Jay’s hands dropped from Aelita.

“I warned you!” She remarked. “Not only does it hurt and ruin your precious voice, but it’s very rude to raise it, too. Especially at the person who has housed and fed you for quite a while!”

Jay blinked, pain rising through his body, clogging up at his throat. Wax was already dripping out of his shirt.

“I can’t believe it, either— an adult, and a man, no less. You’re crying endlessly like a wimp!”

The wax drained itself onto his pants, messing them up entirely.

“Ah, now look at the mess you’ve made…” she pressed a hand against his face, and pushed her knee deeper into his chest, letting out more cracks, before she pulled it down again. “Well, you know who has to clean it up.”

Jay clutched his stomach as Aelita shifted her weight off of him. For a moment, he thought he must’ve been dreaming. Everything about this seemed so unreal— what Aelita had done, how she responded to him, practically shifting all the blame onto him, and now, what she’d done again. Now, his stomach was in shards, and he had to keep it together, or he could bleed out and die.

Aelita struck him in such a way that he would have to rely on her, or he would die.

“That’s alright, though…” she felt Jay’s forehead, noticed it was burning, and cleared his bangs from it. She pulled him onto her, and he went limp— still aching— as she walked them to the bathroom.

Jay’s only regret was that he hadn’t struggled to get away from her enough…

In the bathroom, things became a blur— Jay swore he had lost enough wax to stop seeing for a moment— and at that point, in the middle of comprehending the past three weeks, wondering just how he had gotten there, he accepted all of it. He accepted that he was an idiot, not seeing Aelita’s motives sooner, he accepted that he would bleed out, and he accepted whatever came next. He was quite ready to die, in all honesty. He wanted to see his parents again.

But, unfortunately, he didn’t die. In his mixed state of consciousness, he could feel Aelita fix the gaping hole in his stomach, pulling up the pieces of clothing he had covered in his wax. She slowly patched him up, working diligently— and he realized soon enough that he was lying on the floor. Jay wondered what could possibly be going through her mind, what she thought of when she lied, what she thought he was going to say when she told him he wasn’t leaving. From now on, what would she do? Look for excuses in everything he did to hurt him like she had? How would he possibly sleep at night? What would he do? Would he ever get out?

He wanted to get out.

He wanted to leave.

His ears rang wildly as he felt himself being brought up to sit. Vision darkening, head spinning, his consciousness became a salad of different states. Aelita said something to him— what it was, he couldn’t make out— he was then nearly brought to stand, but as he couldn’t do such a thing, he wobbled and fell back.

The rest melted together, and Jay accepted everything once more.

***

His vision blurred back to life soon enough. He must’ve nodded off, dipped into a deep, low point where he couldn’t think, and brought back up. Now, he could feel his limbs, see everything, feel things becoming clear again.

He finally regained consciousness when it must’ve been the evening. It was gloomily cloudy outside, so soft, diffused light peeked from behind the thin curtains. The room itself was still as plain as ever, but with as much as it had seen, it definitely held something intriguing.

Jay felt something in his mouth— dripping from it. Pulling himself up, he sat with great difficulty. Wiping at his face with his sleeve— he was now wearing something he knew he didn’t own— he found that what had been in his mouth was wax, still warm. He looked at it, in a streak on the sleeve. His stomach ached terribly, and his eyes widened as he realized once again where he was.

He doubled over his knees, placing his head on them, hugging his stomach.

“Let me out,” he gurgled to himself, already enveloped in his tears.

Aelita walked in as he spoke. “Do you need something?”

“Let me go.”

“Oh, do we have to have our little talk again?” She sighed.

“Please.”

“I guess we do.” Aelita shrugged, walking to the bed, and sitting at the edge. She tapped Jay’s knees to get him to lift his head and face her, but he wouldn’t be getting out of his hiding place any time soon. So, she simply continued. “Jay, outside, you will not survive. That’s why I need to take care of you. I’m the only one that can. If you want to live, you have to stay with me. Do you understand?”

Jay didn’t respond. His tears gagged his eyes.

“Do you understand?”

Jay sobbed once, hugging his stomach tighter. “No.”

“That’s okay. We can go over this as many times as you’d like.”

She probably touched my stomach, didn’t she? When she fixed me? She did it again…

“You will die outside. Dying is bad. You do not want to die. I will keep you safe. I will save you from dying. You need to stay with me so that you can be safe, not die, and live a happy life. Do you understand now?”

Jay trembled.

“You’re smart and mature enough. You’re an adult. You can surely understand a simple question such as this, can’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Do you understand now?”

“Yes.”

Aelita patted his head. “That’s good. I knew you could handle it.”

Jay gasped for air, only to begin harshly crying.

***

“I love you. You know that, right?”

Jay slowly nodded.

Aelita patted his head and smiled, turning to the ceiling. “You’re so adorable.”

Jay didn’t say anything. He only laid next to her, his entire body ready to push him to the verge of tears.

She turned back to him, held his face, and kissed him.

“I’m glad you love me, too.”

“Thanks.”

“Aw, of course, honey!”

Jay smiled. He bit his tongue behind it.

PERFECTLY CONTENT. I FEEL OKAY.

Aelita said nothing anymore.

Jay didn’t either. The part where his shirt’s tag had been cut itched at his neck.

He would never forget it.

He would never forget it.

He would never forget it.

It would be lost forever.

Only she knew where it was.

Quiet. Quietly…

Where was it…

It must’ve been hidden, somewhere on her face, wherever she kept her expressions.

“I haven’t had any idea what to make for lunch recently. Do you have anything you want?”

“No, not really. Maybe something simple, like bread.”

“Just bread? Plain? Everyone knows you don’t eat bread plain.”

“Hehe. I know, it’s just an idea to bounce off of.”

Aelita laughed with him. “I see.”

NOTHING IS BOTHERING ME. I LOVE TALKING TO AELITA.

His neck itched. He felt so wound up he wanted to blow up. Every bit of him vibrated with energy, sick and threatening in his stomach, which used to be hollow, now full of the feeling. Excitement. Oh, how excited, how he wished…

He was so sore, too. So tired. All he did was stay at home.

But staying near Aelita—

It always proved to be—

—

So—

Tiring.

She never wanted—

—to—

—to take— a — rest.

She never quit.

She never ended it.

Never ended his suffering.

Torturous.

Torture.

His eyes could roll up, he could light himself on fire, he could melt away into a sticky liquid and ash…

It would never end.

Like a cycle.

“…Maybe something sweet… savory? No, I have no clue.”

“We can open a cookbook and see what recipe we like best. Then you can make it for us.”

Aelita put her hands behind her head, crossing her legs. “Me? You need to learn how to cook, too!”

I’M SO HAPPY. NOTHING COULD RUIN MY MOOD.

His stomach ached. The cracks that lined it still rubbed against each other, grinding away, little bits of his stomach chipping away from him.

Every bit of everything spilt through the cracks.

He still had trouble processing it.

The way Aelita had suddenly decided that—

And that night.

The back of his neck itched so terribly.

But, lying, comfortable, with Aelita— he dared not move to scratch it.

The tag, where it had been, made itself a constant notice.

A constant reminder.

It was always there.

That night, when—

It all broke…

That’s when— it had— happened…

That tag was gone now.

He imagined that it was dead, just like his parents, so far away, unreachable.

So long as it was lost, so would they be.

He remembered where Aelita put it, but it couldn’t quite remember where it was— in fact, he had no idea. He only saw it that night, when she placed it in that jar, with the others— and then it was gone.

‘You’re my favorite,’ she told him, as she drew a little heart. ‘I’ll always know what this means. I’ll never forget it.’

And he, paralyzed, knew he wouldn’t, either.

What a painful night.

“But it’s fine if I’d have to cook for you forever. Some people just can’t learn how to, I’ve seen it— and plus, I think it would be cute. You’re so adorable, too, always asking what’s for dinner.”

“That’s because you leave me hungry.” He spoke with quite a bit of clarity. “You didn’t let me eat for eight days.”

Aelita turned to him, angry.

Now he had a reason to move, and the cut tag wasn’t bothering him anymore.

“That’s because you were misbehaving, like now.” She glared at him.

“I’m sorry.”

“You should be.” Aelita looked off to the side. “I don’t feel like disciplining you today.”

Jay smiled. “I was only making a joke.”

“You’re bad at making jokes.”

“But you’ll teach me how to be better at them, won’t you?”

“Sure.”

THE WAY YOU JOKE IS CRUEL. YOU MADE ME THINK I WAS GOING CRAZY.

Aelita sighed, now annoyed. Out of the blue, she commented. “Y’know, I feel like you’re giving me attitude. There’s an air about you that I don’t like.”

“Should I leave, then?”

“Are you being sarcastic right now?”

“I didn’t mean to offend you. It was genuine.”

Aelita sat up. “You’re offending me quite a bit.”

“Oh, then I’ll simply stop talking.”

“Even just saying that— you are being sarcastic, aren’t you?!”

Jay wildly shook his head.

“Yes, you are! You’re trying to poke fun at me. How disrespectful! I’m the person who houses you, who cooks you meals— we were just talking about that, too!”

Jay sat up, too, itching the back of his neck, turning away in ignominy.

“Don’t turn away from me! Look at me in the eyes.” Aelita commanded as she grabbed his face by the chin and made him face her. “You’re always the one causing the problems. You suddenly just whine about things that were all your fault, and then blame me! That’s so manipulative.”

“I— I know.” Jay muttered, cheeks being pressed together.

“You know that’s basically abusive, right? Not even basically— it is borderline abusive.”

Jay looked down. His face burned. It was times like these when he wanted to cry the most.

“Aren’t you even going to apologize?!”

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“Just ‘sorry’ doesn’t cut it.” She let go of Jay and turned away, staring out the window.

Jay’s heart jumped. “Wait— I’m sorry! I promise, I made a mistake— I’ll be better. I’ll just let those things stay in the past. I won’t remind you of them. I know it makes you sad. Please, don’t be mad at me. I won’t do it again, I’ve learned from my mistakes.”

Aelita said nothing. Slowly, she turned around, wearing that emotion, and spoke with her blank face. The lighting was strangely off. “You’re such a good learner.” She came back to him, wrapping her arms around him. “Alright, I forgive you.”

Jay calmed down. It was over. He wasn’t scared anymore.

“Give me a little kiss.” Aelita smiled at him, tapping her cheek.

Jay stared at her for a moment, then gave her a kiss.

“Aww, you’re so sweet.” Aelita ruffled his hair, then pulled him back down to lay with her. “We’ll just forget this whole thing ever happened.

Jay seemed to stare through Aelita. He hugged her closer, she hummed an ‘awww’, and patted his back.

I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN KEEP UP.

***

Time went on, and things weren’t much different. Slowly, Jay lost the ability to think for himself, and plainly listened to whatever Aelita told him. It took effort to get over the hurdle his willpower presented, but with artifice and brute force, it had been managed.

Now, Jay acted as a total puppet.

Aelita had won.

At times, Jay’s mind wandered, and it was able to have its own thoughts for once. Many such were:

I need to get out of here.

Why was she doing this again?

I love Aelita.

And that was all.

Many times, she threatened him, and every time, he realized it must’ve been because of how stupid he was. She was making it all very clear to him, and he couldn’t see any of it. He must’ve been a total idiot. Thankfully, he had Aelita to correct the error in his ways, and to love him dearly.

How wrong he had been for such a long time, too! It seemed like every behavior he had learned had been wrong. But Aelita, knowing everything, knew what he was doing wrong and just how to fix it. He was grateful for her.

Sometimes, she had to take some pretty drastic measures. She reasoned with Jay that it was a known psychological fact that some people— they just didn’t learn! There was, as there always was, a fix for this— and it involved great pain. Whenever Jay just couldn’t get something into his head, he needed to be in that great pain to finally wedge it into his consciousness. Whether it be under the threat of scalding water, melting away his head, or the hammer, which he was deathly afraid of, smashed into his knee by the part that was much like two thick metal stakes— Aelita would give him great pain to help him remember what the right thing was.

There were just so many right things that Jay couldn’t understand.

In fact, the pain was so great, that usually, Jay simply pretended to have learned the right thing finally. He didn’t want to learn that there wasn’t a world outside, and he didn’t want to learn that Aelita was his one and only. He harbored these secret thoughts to himself, however, and nodded when Aelita asked if any of these things were true. Of course, it had led to unnecessary things— things Aelita knew Jay must’ve wanted, but really didn’t. Either way, he got what he pretended to like, and because of that, he figured that he must be a very happy person.

He was not happy, however. Not happy at all. No matter how much he agreed Aelita, for the most part, was right— he was not happy. He knew there was still something wrong. Something so, so, wrong.

It took one long period of time to get that back into his head, but it had been put in eventually. Aelita happened to be gone for a few weeks at a time, and Jay, utterly alone, had brought the thought back. Since he hadn’t been constantly surrounded by her, he had learnt many things he managed to learn all on his own.

One of which being— he needed Aelita. He was having a difficult time surviving without her. Another being— he had a mind, and it sometimes thought things— so he could use it. Later on, he discovered that this feeling might not have been as new as he thought, but for now, it was hidden away. Finally, he learnt that once he got out, he would be happy.

So, in a mess of his mind, he came to a few conclusions, those being some of them. However, the most important one of all happened to be a question—

What am I doing?

It came at a normal day.

He looked at what he was wearing— not typically something a boy would wear, and thought this.

What am I doing…?

Why am I here?

Why did I let Aelita make me say those things?

Why did I let her think I was in love with her?

Why did I let her think we could’ve possibly been dating?

I’m an adult. I can think for myself.

He looked around. The guest room, where he spent 99% of his time in, began to look bleak.

Why did I let her do all of this to me? I can fight. I can fight her. I must’ve been so much like a puppet— how did I even act?

He recalled willingly following whatever Aelita said, breaking into tears the moment she was angry with him.

…oh, stars.

…I am an idiot!

I— I need to get out of here!

The goal was back in mind.

Jay began to think of more. More that she had done. More crazy things she forced him onto.

She thinks we must be dating. I don’t think so. And she— she thinks that I submit to her, and she thinks she can morph my mind into whatever—

The worst one came across his mind again.

She thinks we must be dating!

Is it because she— I just let her—

He nearly vomited.

No. I never asked for it. I never asked for any of this. I want to leave. Didn’t I want to leave? Where did that go?

Fuzzy, in his memory still, he remembered how she swung a hammer into his stomach, then how he simply fell into her hands afterwards. She would remind him he would die without her, little accidents with the hammer kept happening— once, she had to reconstruct his entire arm—

Jay clasped a hand over his mouth.

He got up, slowly, and went to the bathroom.

Aelita still wasn’t around. That was good.

In the bathroom, he looked at himself in the mirror, and couldn’t recognize himself. This wasn’t what he would wear— this wasn’t how he acted. This wasn’t him. Maybe even his own thoughts weren’t his.

No. I got them back.

Still, how much had Aelita wormed her way into his brain?

Would he truly ever be free of her?

Ever be clean?

Since the first day— since when she first exposed her truth to him— that night—

With such a thing like that, he would never be clean again.

He thought of her face. His eyes widened— how old was he? Now, he must’ve been— how long had it been? But— how old was he?

He was an adult, though. Adult— so— it wasn’t wrong. For his age, too, he was quite mature, so that was alright. He must’ve been older. Older than 17.

Still, she was older—

Why was she—

Like that— then—?

Now, he grabbed onto his face— the fear welled up inside of him, and surged like crazy. The sudden terror, the horror—

She’s been… doing…

…this… entire time…

I never asked for it. Never asked for any of it.

Stars. Help me…

No— no, no, no, no—!

He began to feel like sobbing. It had all been… he never wanted it.

Rage slowly grew inside of him.

In an instant, it seemed as if everything Aelita had taught him crumbled away. He believed none of it any longer.

Did he?

He clutched his shirt— something Aelita had always—

He threw up in the sink in the bathroom promptly.

Head spinning, he felt out of sorts, unwell, terrorized again.

Stuck, stuck, he was stuck.

While Aelita was out, however— he could escape. He could leave…

He cleaned up his mess— disgruntledly— and ventured around the house.

No knowledge as to where Aelita kept the hammer, an important, vital tool— so he needed to learn.

It must’ve been in her room. That was always locked, however.

A key? Maybe he could force the door open?

The escape plan made his heart rush.

He took a knife from the kitchen and held it close, just in case. As he turned the entire house upside down— not a single care for the cleanliness of it— he prayed that Aelita didn’t come home. He prayed, deep, deep down.

Soon, after tearing through a few things with the knife, he found the key. Eagerly, so panicked that Aelita might come home, he put the key into the door. Hopefully she didn’t come—

Oh no. Why is—

He fumbled with the key. He was so nervous that Aelita might come home soon that he tried to put it in as quickly as he possibly could, but only ended up accidentally doing the opposite.

—C’MON!!!

Finally, he shoved it in, turned the key, and opened Aelita’s room. His racing mind and absolute terror calmed themselves as he looked around, ready to pick out at anything he thought looked off, ready to find that stupid hammer.

It was relatively easy to find, laid on her desk neatly. He instantly grabbed it, then ran out of the room, locking the door back up. Then, he lunged into his room, hiding the hammer, and ran to the kitchen to put back the knife. Soon, the key too was placed in its resting spot, and Jay looked around the house.

Of course, it was in distress.

She can’t know I took it. This place looks terrible. I have to fix it.

So, he threw a few things out— things he knew that they wouldn’t need anymore, things he knew that Aelita wouldn’t recognize were gone. He fixed some things he stabbed at, hiding their faults away, fixing, fixing, fixing. Then, he cleaned, did the dishes (all plagued by burned food), dusted, organized and more. Eventually, the home looked neat and clean, and Jay let out a sigh of relief.

Aelita came back to mind.

What she did.

Jay shuddered, his skin crawling. He hugged his stomach— he burned up violently.

Why would she? How— why did it even come across her mind— lifting my shirt—

If he hugged into his stomach tight enough, then no one could get to his shirt, and he would be alright.

It seemed that almost in an instant, the spell Aelita had called upon him was broken…

He knew… he knew what she had done.

Dragging, sickened steps brought him to his room.

He fell onto the edge of the bed, clutching his stomach as he grew so hot he felt like he would melt. He began to sweat. Everything felt sickly tropic, humid and warm… grossly warm.

Stars. Why. Did I let it happen. Why. You idiot. You— it’s all my fault.

No longer was he defending himself.

I’m an adult! I should know better.

He felt like vomiting again. Another spin of his world, another orbit of the world around a crazy world…

When he lifted his head from the bed, his vision had gone blurry.

Oh, I just want it to be okay!

He remembered something about suffering.

I am! I am suffering!

I just wish I was a child again.

I just wish I could go to school and play games with friends… I just wish I could be told a bedtime story, or sung to on my birthday—

The bile grew to his throat.

Mom. Dad… I wish they were here.

They’re dead. It’s probably all my fault.

Tears stung at his eyes…

“Jay, are you alright?”

Fear. Immense, overwhelming, loud and tormenting.

Aelita dropped to his side, wrapping an arm around him. “You don’t look so well, honey.”

Jay trembled.

“Jay?”

He cleared his mind and throat. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Aelita spoke softly, standing up, holding onto Jay’s hand to pull him with her. “Here. How was it while I was gone?”

Jay stood, then stared at her. With his awakening, he had completely forgotten how he acted. In fact, he was sweaty, scared, of course, and— it was like he had already been caught. He didn’t want to have his head smashed in.

“…you’re not saying anything.”

Jay opened his mouth to speak— then realized it was all over.

She knows. Oh stars. I’m going to die.

He began to shake. He didn’t want to die. She would mercilessly murder him.

Aelita put a hand on his cheek and kissed him. “You must’ve missed me too much.”

Jay said nothing anymore. That kiss might’ve killed him right on the spot. There was nothing he hated more— it made his entire world shift, and he built up thousands of feelings of rage.

Everything she had done…

She had done too much.

It all came back to him ferociously.

“Well, I’ll go make dinner. If you want some, come over. Otherwise, just wait here for me.” She added— with— that same— what was it— he couldn’t tell. But she kissed him again and left him.

Jay hadn’t said a thing, hadn’t moved an inch. She left the room.

Then, he let out his breath, relieved.

Did I seriously get out of that free?

Does she think I miss her to the point of— what, feeling unwell?

I MADE IT OUT.

I JUST HAVE TO KILL HER AND I CAN BE FREE.

OR, I CAN ESCAPE FROM THE WINDOW…

No. It’s better to kill her.

I’m going to kill her.

So that she doesn’t hurt me or— anyone else—

She knew that he had.

—ever again.

He waited. The hammer was under his pillow. He knew what she would do tonight, so he had come prepared.

Soon, she walked in, yawning. “I’m so tired. Won’t you comfort me?”

Jay stared at her from the bed. “No. Not tonight.”

“Hm?” She sleepily sat next to him, looping her arms around his neck.

“I don’t want to.” He spoke firmly, pulling away from her.

Aelita raised an eyebrow. “You sure you feel okay?”

“Aelita, I don’t want to. Not tonight. Not ever again.”

She looked at him, face tiny and concerned. “Don’t want to?” She repeated.

“No.” Jay was firm once more.

But being so made him the most terrified person in the universe. He shook as he spoke, itching, itching, dying to reach for the hammer, to break her head, smush her brains in.

It’s coming. I can tell. Star Phoenix, protect me.

Because I deserve none of this. Not anymore.

“That’s okay,” Aelita shrugged, letting go of him. She looked down at his chest for a moment, then stood up from the bed. “I’ll be right back.”

The moment she left the room, leaving the door open wide and on purpose behind her, Jay stole the hammer from under the bed.

Don’t mess this up, don’t mess this up. If you mess up you die, she gets to relish in killing you, your plan fails, she runs free— and no responsibility.

He thought of that jar.

And it’ll happen again to someone just like me.

Jay tiptoed to the door, at the side, hidden from anyone who came in— but he held the hammer, and he held it ready.

Aelita came back in, practically seething with rage. “YOU TOOK IT!”

Jay swung at her, peeking out from his hiding space.

Without a moment of doubt, she reached her hand out for it, caught the hammer in her palm as a crack resounded, and tore it straight from Jay’s hands.

SHIT—!?

“ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!”

Jay backed off. “NO.”

“YOU’RE TRYING TO KILL ME!”

“Oh, don’t raise your voice!” mocked Jay. “After all I’ve given you? Everything you’ve asked for—!?” his rage bubbled up, as well as his tears— remembering all of Aelita in the most terrible ways— and he choked as he decided that he would mock her until the end, dying here. “—you wanted this! You wanted all of this! You should’ve known—“

Aelita threw the hammer at his face, and it directly hit.

Jay reeled back— his face most definitely caved in. He held his scream, stumbling— the hammer fell onto the floor with a great thud, and cracks and chips of Jay’s face followed. Thick wax dripped from his face— little, little, little.

The scream shortly followed.

“—AGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH—?!!!?”

“SHUT. UP!” Aelita screamed back. “UNGRATEFUL!”

Jay felt around for anything to stabilize himself on, but once again, his vision was blinking in and out. His back hit a wall, then he heard Aelita’s footsteps approaching.

She must’ve picked up the hammer, because she swung it at his stomach. She drew it back again, then swung it again. And again. And again. Then, she pulled Jay down and stomped on the back of his head.

Jay couldn’t even scream anymore— but the pain was tremendous enough that he might’ve found some way to do it. His stomach was completely obliterated, and his head shattered everywhere it could’ve. He was only a messy pile on the floor from the top up.

Slowly, though, head somewhat still intact— he lifted it, wax around his eyes, globbing over his vision and clearing the way. He could see Aelita, though everything looked pale and dead.

She let his head drop after she stomped on his legs, crushing them to nothing but powder. To Jay, it felt as if his legs were being sawed off and ground into bits, pushed up into his torso and crudely stabbed back into place using thick, metal wires.

Fury burned within him. He barely got a word in before Aelita decided to maul him.

It’s. Not. Fair.

IT’S NOT FAIR!!

HOW CAN SHE DO ALL OF THIS— BUT I CAN’T EVEN LET HER KNOW HOW IT FEELS?!

TO BE TORN LIMB FROM LIMB? To be given something YOU DIDN’T WANT?! NEVER wanted?!

Fuck her. Fuck her. Kill her. I want her dead.

She needs to die.

I need to rip every string that holds her pitiful body together.

I’m going to put her head in a scalding shower.

She will scream her apologies as I tell her it is not enough. Sorry just doesn’t cut it.

I will melt her down like insignificant snow.

The next time she finds me, I will kill her.

I’m killing her.

She doesn’t even kiss that good.

He could hear Aelita breathing like a madman. She gasped for air between what sounded like sobs, tossing the hammer into the window— as he heard a shatter soon after.

It must’ve been better than it felt, because Jay regained the feeling of his head, and lifted it again. His arms were still, for the most part, intact, and he barely lifted himself up. Though it felt like his stomach snapped at his back once he did, he was still alive. Miraculously…

The wax dripped around his eyes once more, and he felt a large portion of his face fall to the ground. Then, blurry, and darkening, Jay saw Aelita standing there, seething once more.

Full of the utmost spite and rage, Jay looked for anything— anything.

She can’t get away with this.

I’m— I’m gonna fucking live, and when I find her again—

She. Will. Pay.

Mark my fucking words.

Worse than death— she deserves it.

She— deserves— ALL OF IT.

I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE PAIN SHE GIVES ME.

I WILL TORTURE HER— I WILL FIND HER— RIP HER SOUL FROM HER BODY AND STOMP ON IT AND SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER—

NOT ENOUGH. NOT ENOUGH.

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Welcome to Desperation

He woke up. He felt afraid and alone. Everything hurt, everything felt as good as new. Utterly alone, utterly quiet. It must have been the death of a vengeful spirit. One that would do possibly anything.

Jay adjusted to his surroundings and found out where he was very, very quickly. It was a bleak hospital, with a constant and loud buzzing noise ringing out. He blinked and found that his face felt tight. Around his eyes, his mouth, at his cheeks. It all stretched strangely, threatening to snap and crackle and break off into sections soon.

He wanted to cry. Where was he? What was he doing here, really? He knew where he was—

Aelita was still out there.

Somewhere.

Somewhere.

That same tone, the same monster.

She was out there, somewhere.

He blinked tears, barely feeling able to move. If this was a hospital— there must’ve been someone around who could tell him what had happened.

But that then again meant that someone was around, and so he held back his tears.

Laying in the same spot for a while… It reminded him of what he usually did nowadays. Lay around, wait until night, wait until torture was over, and…

Someone came around.

“Oh, you’re awake.”

Jay blinked. He couldn’t see their face.

They came into view.

AELITA?!

Oh— no. He could’ve sworn it was her face. But it wasn’t.

“How are you feeling?” They clicked a pen.

Jay was at a loss for words.

“Can you talk?”

“—I—“

A little crack rang through the air.

“Ooh— no, don’t talk. Not yet. You still have to get used to all this new wax.”

New? He must’ve been stitched together. New skin grafted to replace his old skin. New wax to supply his lost wax.

Old skin gone— that meant so was the love from his parents.

But also from Aelita!

And he didn’t know which he preferred.

“You must be quite confused.” The face scrunched up. “Perhaps you want an explanation. Your eyes give it away.”

Jay watched the face, hoping it saw the desperation he brought with that comment.

“Oh, alright, I’ll try to explain a few things— but from what I’ve heard, which is very disconnected and full of gossip and rumors— it might not be so accurate as to what little you can remember.”

The face disappeared from Jay’s vision, no longer leaning over him.

“I heard that you got into a terrible fight, and there must’ve been some use of explosives. Some people reported loud noises, and when police went to check it out, they found you. Is that right? Did you blow somebody up?”

No. What the fuck?

But I wish.

“You look condescending.” The face reappeared. “Is that right? Blink once if no.”

Jay just so happened to blink the moment it was spoken. It worked out.

“Oh. Do you remember much? You must not, right? Your head was in shambles.”

Jay had no way of responding.

“There had been a really good doctor free at the time, so he managed to glue you back together. You were quite lucky. The little bits and pieces of you were quite hard to carry over.”

It felt so— depersonalizing.

Being referred to as ‘little bits and pieces’. Just part of a big puzzle.

With everything else unspoken that happened to him.

“You’re so lucky, yes…” the face disappeared once again. “Though, I can imagine how high that bill would be.”

Of course. If Jay had known that he would survive like this and that there would’ve been a bill, he would’ve instead used the hammer on himself and not Aelita.

That name.

“You must have someone to help you pay for it, right? Your father? The doctor said you were young. Maybe 17 years old? Is that how old you are? Blink if yes.”

Well, Jay couldn’t exactly not blink—

“17! Really? That young! What were you doing, broken in all those pieces?”

Being sexually assaulted?

Jay blinked again, tears forming.

“Oh, don’t cry!”

He couldn’t really control it at this point.

“Uhm— it’s okay— uh— boy— whatever your name is—“ the face looked over again, slightly helping him up, propping him against his pillow. “—hopefully this doesn’t hurt— I’m only sitting you up so you— can— I don’t know, feel more comfortable—“

Wait— wait, don’t— DON’T TOUCH ME!

Jay’s back straightened, giving off a large crack.

“—-gah—“

“OOPS.” The face dropped in surprise, blinking all around. “I— I am so sorry!”

Jay blinked again, his visage of lost disbelief splattered all over, aimed at the blankets. He could feel his body twitching under them.

His body was not his.

How much of it was made up?

“D-does this feel better?”

Jay couldn’t quite lift his head.

The face shoved its way back into his view, eyeing his expression.

Only Jay’s eyes moved— they examined his examiner.

“Was it a mistake to prop you up…?”

Jay tightened his eyes, face strangely contorted. It hurt, twisted, moved in such a way— his skin. It was— it was stuck on him. He wanted to rip it off.

“Jay! Jay, can’t you hear me? It’s already the late afternoon, and you’re still sleeping?”

He thought he could see someone’s shadow looming over him.

“Blink twice if it wasn’t!”

What are you doing here?!

Can’t she just ask blink twice if you need help!!??

“C’mon, get up, honey, and—“

“—BLINK TWICE IF YOU NEED HELP!!—“

“—someone, HEEELLLLLPPPP!!!”

Jay blinked as quickly as he could. Two times. At least two times. Was that enough?

“—WHAT—?!”

“mutter mutter mutter”

He thought he could see the shadow disappear, draw close to him, run its damned hand through his hair—

“Oh, a mistake?”

The face’s voice was the lone one. Jay looked around. There was no one here but the face and him.

“I’m sorry, I’ll set you back down.”

Jay blinked as quickly as he could. He preferred sitting—!

It only sounded a crack in his face.

He was slowly set down, which cracked his back— not very satisfying, as it was his wounds reopening— and felt worse than before.

Especially because she was touching him again.

People couldn’t keep their hands to themselves.

“Uhhhm. I think I only broke you further. I might get fired. I was only helping you, and I was doing my job!”

Staaaaaaars. My head. My fucking head.

Am I going crazy again?

Seeing things and hearing things?

I can’t be— maybe— it’s just the new wax.

Someone else’s wax. Someone else’s thoughts invading mine for a moment.

That’s not how that works.

But I’m okay. New wax. Unwell. Dream-like state. It’ll go away the moment I am able to stand again.

“Oh, yeah, I’m a nurse, by the way! I still haven’t gotten your name, either!”

…

…

Hello, Nurse.

“Can you blink when I sound out letters and sounds? Then, we can piece together your name!”

Jay blinked.

“Hmm, okay, I’ll go through all the sounds— uhm— A, AE, AI, AAAAAaaa— noooo, wait— it was always so confusing to me— NEVERMIND!”

Jay closed his eyes.

“Am I being too loud? Why don’t I spell it out, or you point out letters to me—“

This nurse seemed quite eager to learn his name. She wrote out every letter, presented them to Jay, and slowly, they spelled his name.

Jay had debated on just ‘Jay’ or ‘Jasper’— but he settled on ‘Jasper’, so that, years later, if anyone somehow remembered him, and referred to him as ‘Jasper’, he would know who it was.

“‘Jasper’? Ohhh, I knew a Jasper once!”

Jay blinked at her.

“Your eyes might be asking, ‘Really?’ To which I reply, ‘No, not really, I’m only joking’.”

He closed his eyes again.

“You’re not very good at conversation, aren’t you? Well— maybe you are— it’s just that— you can’t exactly talk. And… maybe you’re tired… Nevermind! I retract my previous statement. Yes, you must be tired— well, it was good to see you finally wake, Jasper, but I should leave you to rest. Goodbye!!”

She waved her fingers over him, slowly dissipating, leaving his sight.

She was obviously still there, though.

It took a good moment for her to walk away, and for Jay to finally get some rest.

***

So, Jay had no idea where Aelita went.

His anger surrounding her— especially because she hadn’t annoyed him in forever— was quickly replaced with crippling depression. He hated her. He really did. There was not a single doubt in his mind.

But he just couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t bring himself to care, even if what she did left him so hollow he could blow away in the wind, thrust to the skies, fly away so very far at any moment.

He knew he should’ve cared, because it mattered so much— but he didn’t. The lost feeling deepened within him, and he couldn’t handle it.

Though, with some time at the hospital, he managed to numb it away and hide it. Being the nature it was— harsh, manipulative… all the like… it felt better to forget about it.

Nobody would believe him, anyways.

‘Some woman trapped me in her house for ages and slowly manipulated me every day and every night when she—

…quite the unbelievable story.

So he managed to forget about it, leaving it in the back of his mind. Always humming, always spewing red noise, always there— consciously, there, there and so clear— but completely forgotten about.

There it stayed.

Jay, upon thinking of it, always regarded the matter like a house of cards, the final piece placed.

Tentative, soft steps, quiet breathing, cautiously standing on his toes around the eggshells of the topic.

As long as he didn’t think of it, he was fine. It was alright. It was over now, and he didn’t have to deal with it again. Aelita who?
        Slowly, Jay recovered in the hospital. That same nurse came over to him time and time again, and until he had the strength to sit up and speak for himself, she assumed and guessed he wanted this or that, which proved to be quite difficult to nail.

Once, she brought Jay his food, while he had been in the middle of questioning exactly what happened for him to get here, and how much any of this would cost. She asked something of the sort, leaving him to answer himself out loud.

“So! Now that you’re feeling all better, can I ask you how you got here?”

Jay looked down. That involved Aelita. He didn’t want to bring it up.

“It was only a little accident. I— I can’t quite remember the rest.”

“Oh, well, that’s okay!” She smiled. “I didn’t expect you to remember much. That’s a story that’ll never be told, then, hm?”

Jay wondered… the same thing with his mother and father. He didn’t exactly know how— at least, who had done what to cause the events— and so, that was a story that would never be told.

Now, all the family had a story of their own!

Only one was known to one person, and that was the only one that would never be told. The rest could never be told.

“I guess not.” He responded.

“How old are you?” She chimed, immediately changing the subject.

Jay looked down. “Well…” he attempted to recall bits and dates he had heard around. Then, he did little calculations and found… “I’m— 17, I think?”

“That doctor was right! Wow, you’re younger than you act!”

I’m an adult, but… whatever you say.

“How old are you?”

“I am 20 years old! I’m only a nurse in training, so…”

Jay cocked his head to the side.

The nurse, thinking it might’ve cracked and began to tip, lifted it back into place. Once she saw it was perfectly fine, she awkwardly pulled her hands away.

…you don’t seem very mature. How can you be an adult?

“You’re very mature.” She seemed to read his mind. “And very polite!”

“Thanks. I’ve been told that as a child, I was mature enough to be an adult.”

“Wow. So, you’re a mature master?”

“I think it’s called an ‘adult’.”

“That’s a boring name… kinda like an adult.”

Jay looked down.

“You’re not boring, though! You’re actually so interesting it makes up for your mature-surplus.” She added.

Jay glanced back up at her. “Well, you’re very energetic, so you’re not boring at all, either.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“Mhm.”

The nurse snapped and grinned wide. “I thought so! Everyone makes it seem like being mature is so great. ‘Why aren’t you more mature?’ this? ‘Can’t you be serious for once?’ that? Honestly, if I wanna live life a little bubbly, I’ll very much so do. I’m glad that you don’t tell me things like that, though, or you’d be very boring.”

“I think it’s alright to be boring. Then, you don’t pique anyone’s interest. And I don’t want to be interesting.”

“You don’t want people to think you’re interesting? Doesn’t everyone?”

“Why?”

“So that people think you’re an amazing person. People would love to be around you! There’s something in that, y’know. People would like to listen to you, hear what you have to say, agree with your every move— kinda like being glamorous and famous. That’s good, so why wouldn’t you want it?”

Jay’s face scrunched up in reminiscence. “Because I wouldn’t have to deal with crazy people liking me, too.”

“True…”

“If someone loves you enough, who knows what they’ll do? And in your name, too. Maybe even to you.”

“Uhm…” the nurse glanced at him strangely. “Okay, a little iffy there— but— what if you were so well-liked, that you had enough good people who could protect you?”

Jay shrugged. “That’s alright. But you can never trust anyone.”

“Wow, who hurt you?”

Jay sadly looked beyond the nurse.

“At least you don’t remember!” She chimed, joking.

“I guess I just don’t like being noticed.”

The nurse hummed, thinking more. “Yeah… I guess some people like that sorta stuff. Well, hopefully, you’re all content alone. You don’t mind me, do you?”

“No. That’s because I can’t do much… so I can’t entertain myself alone. Only look at the ceiling and worsen my feelings.”

“So I’m good?”

“Yes. I prefer to have you around. You make me happier.”

The nurse pumped her fists. “Yes! Look, I’m already doing my job!”

Jay smiled at her. “I guess so.”

“Even if it’s only because I distract you from sad thoughts, I make you happy, right? So—…”

Jay nodded as she rambled on.

“Are you happy because I’m here— or happy because I am here?”

“I’m happy that you are around and are yourself. You’re not just good as a distraction. You’re not just that, I mean. You have a life, a personality, and you… you’re good to be around.”

“Well, I’m glad that you’re laughing with me and not at me, then.” She smiled. “Right— I’ve got to go now— so, nothing hurts, there’s your food, and… need anything else?”

“No. I think I’m alright, thank you very much.”

“Of course! Bye, Jasper! Hopefully you’re not too sad without me.”

“I don’t think I will be. Goodbye.”

“Bye-bye!”

Jay watched her leave.

He did feel sad.

Very sad.

People were— deceitful, artificers, evil and rotten— but also, interesting, capable of making him happy—

Jay put a hand to his face. He wasn’t ready to be around anyone yet again. Every face seemed so fake— there was something behind everyone. Maybe even that nurse. Who knew?

Even if they were nice…

He couldn’t trust anyone.

Sometimes, he thought, not even himself.

That incessant buzzing grew louder and louder until his ears ringed with pain.

I’m— just going to ignore it. It’ll go away eventually.

***

Soon, Jay had been told by the nurse he was fit to leave. He had recovered enough, and all he needed was a little bit of time, someone who claimed to be his guardian, as he was technically a child— which he argued against, to her… confusion, somehow— and then, he would be free to go.

“What if I— I don’t have a ‘guardian’? Do I just leave?”

“Uhm…” The nurse thought. “We’ll have to keep you here until you’re finally 18 and a man!”

Those words nearly sent Jay reeling. It all seemed to connect so terribly.

I am an adult. Can’t I just leave?

Thinking those words made him feel unwell. He suddenly felt hotter— by a lot— and his skin felt like it was expanding.

“You don’t look too well. Do you really want to leave? That bad?”

“No… it’s okay… I can wait.”

“Oh— you don’t actually have to wait— I— I just don’t know what technically to do, then.” The nurse shrugged. “You seem to be getting a little hot. You must be careful, your skin might easily crack because of all that building pressure.”

“Wh-what?”

“Yeah, if you get too hot, a lotta pressure builds up inside of you. Usually, it’s nothing too bad, but your skin is definitely a little weak right now. Just give it some proper, full rest, and you’ll be as good as new in no time!”

Jay blinked.

***

Then, one day, it had seemed that Jay’s only living relation had been found, and was here to pick him up.

His uncle.

“You could’ve said you had an uncle! Oh, is it because he hurt you? Then we’d probably call a child protection ser—“

“—my uncle is fine. I only didn’t think he could take care of me. I didn’t want to burden him with doing so.”

“Oh… I don’t think he would feel burdened. You were hurt, and pretty bad.”

Jay shrugged. “I guess you’re right. I must’ve been scared that he would get mad at me for it, though…”

“I wouldn’t be! If you were my nephew, I would pay all your bills and give you thousands of get-well hugs!”

People make too many promises when they’re happy.

“Be my uncle, then.”

“Silly, I’m a girl!”

Nothing’s stopping you…

“I know. Only joking around. I might’ve picked that up from you…”

“Awww, you’re leaving, right when you start to act like me…”

“Sorry.” Jay shrugged with a sad smile. He would’ve liked to stay here forever, too, since he got free meals and a nice place to stay where people cared about him— but he had to go, he was being charged for all of this, and it usually got boring here. “I’m sure one day we’ll meet again.”

The nurse nodded. “Yeah! I’m gonna be here for a while, so, if you ever want to visit, or something… that way, you could jot down your address for me, and we could start sending letters!”

“You really want to be friends?”

“That’s what we are, right?” The nurse smiled at him. “I’ve already formed too many unnecessary attachments to other patients, and they’ve all come and gone in the time you’ve been here— so— maybe, you and I could stay in contact, and we could still be friends?”

Jay smiled at her, still so sad.

“It’s not a crazy aspiration, right? I only want to stay in touch! Plus, it’s not like anything creepy. I am older than you, but not by a lot and— no offense, I don’t find you very attractive. I swear, I don’t have a crush on you— if that’s what you thought that this was, NO. I just want a friend.”

Jay’s smile faded.

“Sorry. That was really awkward. GAH— just saying that was awkward— ok— no— wait no— okay, I never said any of that. Okay. Okay? I just want to see you after all of this! Y’know, growth, see how you’ve been doing—“

Jay laughed, sad again. “I get it. Sure, I’ll stay in touch. If you don’t hear from me, I might just be dead or in the hospital again.”

“Awh, don’t say things like that! Then it’ll all actually happen!”

“You can never be too sure!”

“NOPE! I won’t let you curse our sendoff. You will come back, you will ask me, and you will exchange addresses with me so we can send letters. No doubt about it, not a single shadow— got it?”

“Got it.” Jay nodded.

So, Jay soon left, finding his uncle, waving goodbye, and fearing what next.

He must’ve lost his voice again.

His uncle must’ve, too, and he didn’t say a word to Jay.

I wonder how he must’ve found me. How did he find me…?

He realized that the buzzing from the hospital didn’t leave his ears.

Seconds later, after his skin jumped realizing so, the buzzing fizzled out of his ears, into the air, not to be heard ever again.

Was the buzzing even from the hospital?

Now, he was back at his uncle’s home. He remembered how a long, long time ago, his uncle told him something like, ‘I don’t care where you go, as long as you don’t stay here.’

And now I’m back, from the hospital, two years later. He probably has to pay those bills for me.

He must be furious.

He must’ve been. He wasn’t talking at all to Jay, closing the front door behind him as he walked in.

Jay stood near the front, looking around nervously. Well… it had been years (two) since he had been here— and now, he was back. Maybe he had to contact his inner child and sit on the same spot on that same sofa as he had years ago.

He didn’t.

“I’m sorry,” he spoke softly, as to not be any louder than the creaking of the house, quiet and a whisper as it echoed softly through the morning the house held, covered in light, sunny and springy shadows. “You told me to go, and now I’m back. Are you mad?”

His uncle glared at him. “Just what in Eden do you think you were doing?”

“…I— I don’t know. I tried to—“

“—what? Off partying somewhere? Doing Phoenix knows what? Getting into trouble? Going to the hospital? You’ve just caused more trouble! You little bastard.”

What’s your problem with me? “I know. I’m sorry.”

Those words were simply now second nature.

“No— now, I have to deal with it. I shouldn’t have to deal with you. You are not my child.”

“I’m not a child,” Jay commented as simply as if stating a fact— which he was.

His uncle laughed, still standing at the door, now glaring even colder at him.

Jay looked up.

“You, not a child? If you weren’t, you wouldn’t cause whatever mess you had to get that damn bill so high.”

If YOU weren’t a child, you would’ve taken PROPER CARE OF ONE.

“I’m— I’m sorry.”

Jay’s mind differed so greatly from his actions— he was in total control of both, but didn’t know why they were stark opposites. It was like there were two people inside of him, and soon, they would fight to the death.

“You can say sorry all you want, but nothing changes what you did.”

Do you think any of this is MY fault?!

“I know.”

“If you knew, we wouldn’t be here.”

I TRIED!!! Do you think I WANTED THAT?! I never wanted to bother you— I never wanted to let Aelita do any of that to me— I never wanted mom and dad to die! You think all of that is my fault?!

I wouldn’t do a single one of them willingly!

Let’s see how YOU act when you’re forced to love someone TWICE YOUR AGE!

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“What have I just been telling you about sorry?!”

Jay held his tongue and tears. It was a lot to hold.

“Just— don’t bother me!” His uncle snapped. “If you do, I will send you back to the hospital.”

Jay slowly nodded. “Alri—“

***

So, it must’ve been the opposite of what his uncle wanted. A terrible man to take care of.

Ugh… I wish I could get a job and make my own money. I need to find a way to get my own place quickly, so I don’t bother uncle. …otherwise…

While being lent a place to live, Jay thought of leaving. Of course, that wasn’t to say he wasn’t grateful. He was so, so eternally grateful. Someone to give him a home, food, keep him out of the blizzards and snow—

That was all he needed to deeply love someone.

Aelita must’ve known that, because in order to get these three wants, he had to love her back. He had to give her what she wanted from him.

Weren’t they simple pleasures?

Wait, didn’t he decide to stop thinking about Aelita? That was in the past. He should just forget it already.

Jay had decided the moment he stopped relying on people for a place and food, he would be free and happy. So he thought of it a lot, thought of how, and thought that, if he worked all day and was gone, his uncle wouldn’t be bothered by him. He didn’t have to give him lunch or even dinner or breakfast sometimes— because Jay would be gone, at work, never bothering him.

We’re family. I don’t know why we can’t just stick together.

Now, Jay needed a job. He found it very easy to get one at that same office he had interned at.

The only thing— Aelita.

Oh well. He didn’t exactly finish school— he couldn’t— and he was in too much of a tight spot to go, as his uncle could simply evict him at any time— so, he had to suck it up.

If she asks for something from me, I’ll give her it. I just want to make sure she doesn’t bring me back to her place. Escaping that forsaken place…

Okay, I’ll just stay out of her line of sight. That’s good enough, isn’t it?

I’m scared.

Aelita will be there.

But he sucked it up, once more, and he one day wore the best of what his uncle had given him, got ready and tried to look as clean and prepared as possible— then made his way to the office.

Don’t. Don’t. Don’t look at Aelita. Avoid her. Just pretend she’s not around. Give her a kiss if she asks for it— just— it doesn’t matter— you need money. This place knows you. If you get money— oh, stars, my stomach hurts so bad thinking about it— I just— need— to—…

We’ll see…

He walked his way over, using the same path as he used to, all those years ago, when he was a child. Now, he was an adult, and no longer an intern. He was looking for a job.

No doubt, they’ll give me one. I’m already so good at all the little jobs. I can do anything they give me. They know me! It’ll be fine. Maybe if I blink twice for help, they’ll recognize something is wrong.

Just always leave whenever there’s someone else other than her in the building. Arrive and leave. Never wait for her to go. She has all the free time she wants afterwards— she’ll wait for me, probably knock me out, then drag me back—

Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I can just get a different job somewhere else.

Start all over again.

Like my new skin.

He walked inside now. The first person he met was a familiar face, around the door.

Primrose— or just Prim— smiled and gave him a nod. She turned away, then did a double take. “JAY! Is that YOU?!”

Jay immediately turned to ice. “SHHH—!”

“—wh-what is it?” Prim quickly churned her voice into a whisper. “—where have you been? That day you were crying— you never came back afterwards! You had me worried sick for three weeks! I forgot about you, eventually, but—!”

“I—Is Aelita here today?”

“No. She hasn’t been here in forever. ‘You came to replace her?”

Jay let out a big sigh of relief. Internally. “I could never replace her.”

Upon hearing Jay return to a normal pitch, Prim followed, though she was confused. “Oh. Interning again? How old are you now?”

“My age is not important.” He added plainly.

Of course it wasn’t!

“I’m here for a job, though, so—“

“—ohhh! Well— wait, first, tell me where you’ve been! I remember when Elio used to ask about you, and he spoke with Aelita a lot— she always used to say you were feeling terrible. Why do you ask about her now? Did she hurt you? Is that why you’re here and she’s not? That can’t have been, can’t it?”

Jay shook his head. “No, not at all. She simply had some family issues, and she couldn’t stay in touch with me, nor could she help me anymore— but I’ve found a place where I’m safe and perfectly content, so it’s alright. New beginnings. New place. It’s alright. Don’t you worry.”

“…okay. How old did you say you are?”

“I’m already an adult.”

“Oh, really! Wait, I’m getting old.” Prim looked off. “26… as of two weeks ago…”

“Happy belated birthday, then.”

“Pfft. As sweet as ever. You said you were here for a job? You’re getting a job? Here?”

Jay nodded. “I figured it was an alright place to start.”

Prim put a hand on his shoulder and laughed, until she went ‘phew’,  looking like a severe mistake had been made. “—y-y’know that all those jokes Elio used to make about this job are real, right? This place isn’t very worker friendly. I guess the boss just liked you, because you liked this place, but—“

“That’s okay. I only really need money, anyways.”

“Ah… just as the rest of us. You’ve fallen for one of life’s most terrible traps— working at this job because we’re financially unstable.”

Jay chuckled nervously. “Is it that bad? Is the pay good?”

“…mostly? Just don’t ask for a raise.”

“What’s the pay like…?”

“I don’t think we’re allowed to discuss wages…?”

“Uhm. Okay.” Jay blinked.

Prim smiled wide. “Well, never mind that, I have to show off what I’ve found to the others!”

“Me?” Jay didn’t know how he felt being addressed that way.

“Yeah! We haven’t seen you in ages! You look so different, too— your nose changed shape. Like, a lot.”

“Has it?” Jay hadn’t looked into a mirror. He didn’t feel the need to. And now— he didn’t know how he hadn’t realized that he hadn’t!

Prim nodded, guiding him into the building. “Yeah! You seemed to have changed a lot… this place hasn’t, just so you know. Everything’s where it was years ago!”

Jay tilted his head. “Good to know.”

Indeed, everything was the same.

Except for one thing— a loud buzzing, low and distinct. It sounded like something one would hear in a hospital.

“I barely recognized you when you walked in, but I know everyone else will. I’m just bad with faces!” Prim added, striding past familiar faces with Jay. He waved here and there at somewhat surprised people.

Prim piped up. “Oh, I know! I’ll go look for Elio! You just know he was all over questions about you with Aelita— did I already mention that? He asked for months!”

“Wow.”

She must’ve been such a good liar. By then, she had already… no, I promised, I wouldn’t think on it.

“Wait here— break room. Remember this place? You sat— right there— for about a few hours.”

“This is nice, but— I want to ask about any job open—“

“—awww, just give it a rest! You’ll be working here in no time, might as well relish the hours you aren’t.”

Jay looked at Prim. Plain face, a little plagued with worried eyebrows— he nodded.

So, he waited in the break room while Prim went out to find Elio.

In walked Leia.

She stared at Jay.

Jay stared back. He waved once.

She waved, too. She was clearly appalled to see him.

They were utterly silent.

“…you’re not here crying this time, right?”

“Oh, that was once.”

She smiled. “That’s good. Where’ve you been? Relaxing at Aelita’s?”

“Yes, until she—“ what did I say again? “—had some family matters to attend to. I’m fine, though. I have a nice place to stay, it’s comfortable, and I’m doing just wonderfully. I just came back because I’ve been thinking of getting a job, and I figured, this place shouldn’t be so hard to start at.”

“Well, hopefully you’re not looking for a nice environment and good pay. You’d be better off somewhere else…”

Jay chuckled. “If it’s true, why are you still here?”

Leia shrugged and smiled. “‘Pay’s way better than anywhere else I’ve found so far. Plus, I don’t have any connections, so I don’t really know of anywhere else to work. It’s fine, though, I’m alright with the pay. You know that Prim isn’t, though— she never is!”

“Ah, I see…”

“Did you ever get paid as an intern?”

“Can interns be paid?”

Leia’s face dropped. “I’m taking that as a no.”

Prim burst into the room, dragging along— Elio!

“Jay-Jay, here he is!”

“Jay?!” Elio spat out, gazing upon him.

Jay gave Elio a courteous nod. “Hello, Elio. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

Leia smiled, regressing as the two spoke. She never was one for crowds more than three.

“You look so different!” Elio remarked. “It’s like you’ve reconstructed your whole face!”

Jay’s heart dropped. It sunk— you know, the usual dread description.

How can he tell? Is it really that bad? I’m so different, I get it— but— it’s not so much, right?

“Yeah, I can kinda see that. What, did you wanna reforge your identity and live on a paradise island with Aelita for the rest of your life?” Prim joked.

Bad joke.

Jay looked back and forth at them.

“Jaaay?” asked Prim, as if the silence after her little joke needed to instantly be accounted for.

“What?”

“You look a little lost.” Elio added.

Jay shook his head. “I’m fine.”

Prim smiled smugly. “What are you staring at us crazy for?”

“I’m not crazy.”

Elio blinked. He glanced at Prim, who wore a similar expression. “Mhm! You’re good, bud.”

Jay looked down, biting his lip. A soft smile came across his face as he glanced up at Elio.

Elio returned the smile.

“…well… I just want to know…” Jay picked up the conversation again, choosing to disregard his sudden, unwarranted comment. “…if I could just… ask the boss about getting a job, that’d be great.”

“You’re getting a job here?” Elio leaned in, shocked. “Oh, I’m sure your school grades are high enough for you to apply somewhere else— and you’ll just wow them at the interview with how polite you are. Go. Anywhere but here.”

Jay chuckled nervously. “I want to work here.”

“No, no— you’re talented enough, go somewhere else.”

Jay lost the air of humor.

Elio had, too. “Really, go.”

“…I’m sorry. I haven’t actually finished school.”

Prim raised an eyebrow. “But you’re an adult now?”

“You’re an adult now?” Elio echoed.

“…it’s only a little complicated. I just need to work here. But I’m alright— so—“ Jay waved his hands around, dismissing the subject.

Elio didn’t seem so done.

***

Elio advised Jay to give it some time. He didn’t let him apply just yet. He had also asked if Jay would be so kind as to accept an invitation to tea or something— outside, hanging out.

The two of them!

…he was a boy, so it should be fine.

OR HE’S WORKING WITH AELITA.

Jay had to remind himself that was crazy talk. He most definitely wasn’t working with Aelita. He most definitely had no clue what she had been doing to him while he was constantly asking how he was.

So, after Elio got off of work, he took Jay out to a tea house that also offered things like pastries and soft sweets.

The place looked nice. Jay had realized all he had been seeing was bleak rooms and bleak hospitals— and even walking through the Valley, there had been beautiful things— he simply didn’t appreciate all of them.

With this new appreciation, a buzzing he swore he hadn’t heard until now died down.

Elio pointed out some good teas on a menu, and helped Jay pick his choice. Jay had realized that he had no money— and after a fierce talk with Elio, managed to reason that he would pay Elio back afterwards.

Now, they were simply waiting for tea.

“Why do you want to work at the office? And why did you say that you didn’t finish school?”

Oh, questions.

Jay must’ve grown visibly distressed, as Elio leaned in closer, softening the air around him.

“I— I just figured it would be easy to apply at the office. I know everything about the place, and all the people there—“

“—the pay isn’t all that good. You know that, right? And the boss isn’t nice— not at all. Well, the pay is decent— it’s only— it’s not worth it.”

“Everyone says that, but no one has seemed to quit in the time I was gone. It can’t be that bad, can’t it?”

Elio sighed. “Most of us either have some sort of backup, someone to— I guess, if you had a wife, and you both worked— that’s how that works. A joint income. But then there’s— like— me, where I don’t have anyone, or any means to get a new job that’s any better than this one— I just— don’t— have the money, you know?”

Jay searched his face sadly. There must’ve been something behind it. “Why are we here? Why’d you invite me to spend money in this place?”

“…because I haven’t seen you in ages. It’s only right I treat you to something.”

“But—“

“—it’s still my money, even if it’s not a lot. I can spend it how I like, and I choose to spend it on you.”

Jay felt light headed. “Why? Why are you spending it on me? What do you want from me?”

“…Jay?”

Realizing his sudden slip, he quieted down.

“…you’re not doing well, aren’t you? Are you okay? Is someone hurting you? You can tell me, you kn—“

“—I’m okay. No one’s hurting me. I’m fine.” Jay shook his head many times. “I’m so serious. There’s nothing going on. Don’t even worry.”

Elio frowned.

The two were quiet for a long time— in that period of quiet, their tea was ready and brought to them.

After Elio took a grave sip of his, the conversation warmed back up to get going again. “Jay— if there’s anything wrong, you can tell me, you know? If there’s something bothering you, or if you feel unwell— even if it’s as little as— maybe you were growing a plant, and it died, and now you’re sad— you can tell me. I’ll listen. I’ll try to help the best I can.”

Jay shook his head. “No. I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. I won't bother you about it anymore. Now— what had you said about school earlier?”

Jay shrugged. “I— I just haven’t finished it, that’s all. It’s difficult to find a job without something like that. People don’t take you seriously, don’t think you’re an adult.”

“…I see. Is it— you’re currently enrolled and are going to school, or have you been unable to go? It must’ve been a break day or a weekend, then, if you were at the office sometime in the morning

Jay tuned Elio out. Slowly, he looked beyond him, and he could feel his body grow heavier and heavier. Especially around his eyes— his eyes felt funny, and they felt— he blinked. There was something there.

Something behind his eyes. They were coming out.

Is it always going to feel like this?

Elio’s hand went to Jay’s. “—hello? Jay, are you sure you’re—“

Jay trembled, pulling his hand back. “Please…”

Something from behind his eyes dripped out. He wiped them away.

“…really, I won’t tell anyone. I won’t think of you differently if you tell me. I only wish to help. You were always such a sweet boy, and now, if there’s anything— anything, something at all— I will help you.”

Jay stared at Elio.

“I promise.”

Jay covered his face with a hand. He let out a little cry.

“…if you need to stay at my pl—“

“—NO. I don’t want to go.”

Elio stared.

Eventually, Jay told him he wasn’t doing alright. He was, in fact, in deep trouble, and wanted to get out of it.

He couldn’t live with his uncle. He didn’t have any money. He didn’t know what to do.

He didn’t want to remember Aelita.

He hadn’t remembered to tell him that last part.

So, unfortunately, Elio worked out a plan with him. He reasoned that if he couldn’t stay where he was currently staying long, he could live with him for a while— which he had to spend a confusing amount of time quelling Jay’s fears of— and that they could both work together until Jay could get somewhere of his own, or settle down for a moment.

But Jay had to finish school first.

“Does that sound alright?” He asked.

Jay nodded.

They would live together for a moment.

It would be okay!

“Good. Now— if you don’t mind— would it be okay if I asked you how Ael—“

“—she was fine and in fact, very nice, if she was a restaurant, I would give her the highest rating.”

Elio sighed. “It’s so funny how terribly undone you get when you try to cover something so grand…”

So, Elio, suspicions confirmed, never brought it back up with Jay, just as he had promised and wished.

Elio brought him back to his place. Modest…

“Look! Soon, we’ll be working buddies. Together! Unless you find somewhere else you want to work at?”

“…I’m second guessing this.” Jay spoke suddenly. “I don’t want to anymore.”

“Hm? Does my place look bad…?”

“No. It’s very nice and quaint. It’s only— I— I can’t. I’m sorry. You can’t understand it, but— with my uncle— he would only accuse me of— causing problems, running off— if I didn’t come back— you know I don’t expect that you’ll hurt me, I tr-trust— y-you— complete—ly.”

Elio stared at him.

“I don’t want to. Please don’t make me.”

“…woah, okay… I won’t.” Elio frowned. He must’ve been scared. “Look, I’ll walk you back home— we can talk on the way.”

So they did.

“I’m just going to start working.” Jay explained. “I don't want to deal with school. That would mean a whole two more years— and I need to start working. I can’t spend two years at my uncle’s house.”

“…I don’t understand why you don’t just want to live together!”

“I’m sorry. Know I would suffer, and feel better that I wouldn’t if I wasn’t there.”

“Do you simply not trust me?”

“I don’t know. I just— I just can’t. I’m sorry, Elio. You’re a dear friend, but— I can’t. Thank you for the offer.”

Elio nodded. “Of course. If you ever need anything, ask. But please, continue.”

“…right. I’m going to start working. You don’t mind that?”

“Not at all. Hopefully you get good pay.”

Jay nodded. “You said the boss was mean?”

“Well, yes, but you knew that.”

“…okay. I’ll just stick it through. Thank you, Elio.”

“Mhm.”

They walked in silence, the dark night’s glistening snow under their feet crunching as they made their way through the Valley, all sorts of nightlife teeming around them.

“Did you like the tea?”

Jay nodded. “I enjoyed it. Thank you. With my first paycheck, I’ll repay you.”

“Oh, please don’t…”

“I will. You can’t argue with me on that.” Jay shook his head, refusing to hear more on the matter.

Elio sighed a little too harshly, covered his face, and scared Jay to a stop.

“Are you okay? Did you get something in your eye?”

“I don’t understand how anyone could ever hurt you… you’re such a sweet boy.”

Jay’s face softened back into a smiling worry. He put a hand on Elio’s back, and hoped it felt warm and fatherly.

***

Meet My New Friend, the Molten Man! 💖

Jay worked endlessly.

He was still living with his uncle, who grew increasingly annoyed with him, but he worked for hours and hours and hours. He took every bit of work he could get, worked overtime, and appreciated that Aelita was no longer around, so he was allowed to keep illegally long hours.

The pay was actually NOT decent. At least, for buying a place to begin with— payments afterwards would definitely be easier, but buying a house in the first place—?

Whatever the case, Jay worked, and he worked tirelessly, growing a tiny fortune and hiding it in a cluttered kitchen cabinet.

There was usually a buzz about the air.

Elio constantly asked how he was, if there was anything new, how his savings were looking. As Jay had promised, the very first thing he spent his money on was Elio. He paid back what he had promised, fighting Elio over the matter once again.

Jay expected things to get better.

They did not.

His boss was terrible, and once, after Jay worked incredibly overtime and never received pay— well— it only went terribly wrong, and Jay never received pay.

He went home in tears, and cried on the kitchen floor, in the safe moonlight his inner child dearly clung to. There was a good portion of his life gone— and for what?

Once, too, his boss had refused to pay him because he didn’t seem to be working. However, he had done work— in fact, he had printed several books that day— and had printed them out well. His boss argued that he ‘didn’t look so good’— because once again, that loud buzzing began so loud it burst his ears— even though he was working through it—!

“You should kill him!” A friendly kitchen tile advised.

How… mystical?!

“Y—you can talk?!” Jay, appalled, looked at the floor.

A singular tile grew a face. “Of course I can talk! We all can, only, we’re quite shy, you see.”

“…I must be losing it.” Jay commented, staring off into space, totally frightened.

“No! It’s true, we can talk, and we’re all very real.”

Jay glanced around. “…if that’s true, then how does it feel when people step on top of you?”

The tile shut up.

“It was a genuine question!”

Jay woke up the next day and dismissed all of it as a strange dream. It must’ve been from a fever— he was being constantly told he looked sick.

Jay soon began to think this wasn’t the case, however.

At work, once, he was as he always was— working overtime. Printing more books. It was quiet and dark, well after hours, and Jay was the only person there.

Or so he thought.

He could hear— some voices. Around the office.

It sounded like a report?

“…later that day, several were found dead; the rubble from the disaster trapping them within it.”

Jay jumped up, full of terror. Who was talking— about what? It sounded bad.

“The sudden explosion occurred moments before the festival took place, where many people had been gathered to celebrate the occasion.”

“Hello? Is anyone there?”

“Then, in mere seconds, the blast sounded, and fires broke out. Many were injured, and so was the facility.”

Jay dropped his work. He glanced around. “I’m not afraid of you! Show yourself!”

He was afraid.

The talking stopped.

So, Jay quickly finished printing a page, full of anticipation— what was to come? Who was hiding here? Finally, done with the job, Jay held onto a copy of the office keys— they were in his pocket, and there his hand stayed as he looked around, leaving the printing room.

The office was illuminated very poorly by moonlight outside, pouring into the area dramatically. It must’ve been safer than his uncle’s house, then, as there was not a single beam of moonlight anywhere, save for the kitchen.

“Hello? Is anyone here? You can’t be— everyone else left hours ago. I made sure of it.”

Jay glanced around, balling his fist around the keys. He took them out of his pocket and held them in such a way that they could be used as a weapon.

“Hello? Hello? Don’t play games or any trickery. I can report this to the police— this is practically breaking in!”

Nothing.

“Though— it must be sad, stealing books— there, that’s all there is here— books. Nothing of worth. Here’s your chance to leave before I call the police.”

Nothing!

“I’m letting you go! You better!”

…nothing.

“Have you left…?”

…

“…that’s good… phew—“

I should check around to see if anything’s been tampered with.

“IT CRUMBLED DOWN ON SEVERAL PEOPLE INSIDE OF IT

“AGGHH—?!!?”

IMMEDIATELY CRUSHING AND KILLING THEM AND LEAVING MANY MORE INJURED

“WH—S-STOP!!” Jay suddenly screamed, covering his ears— something loud— and it waved around— like a cloak of the night, billowing in the wind, dancing, taunting, mocking in the air around him—

POLICE ARE STILL INVESTIGATING THE CAUSE OF THIS DEVASTATING TRAGEDY         WHERE IS THAT COMING FROM?! 

Frantically, Jay looked around— though, now, knowing all it did was scream— he didn’t feel quite afraid anymore. It all died down, his heart stopped racing— but he knew, he must get out— quickly, before anything strange happened with him inside—

BUT THERE HAVE BEEN REPORTS OF A STRANGE MOLTEN MAN HOVERING AROUND THE AREA

THEN— Jay saw it!

THE MOLTEN MAN!!

He fizzled into Jay’s view, right behind him, crackling like fireworks, sparks and hazardous zaps surrounding his figure— completely molten, like many skins together— flickering flames on and off, with a sticky mouth and stickier eyes— all glopping together, pulling at each other and leaving dirty drips of wax all over the floor— bits of skin, in cracked chips, flaking and swirling in the mix.

WH—WHAT.

Immediately, Jay’s heart jumped, and the thought— this horrendous, hideous monster— a thought came that it might want to collect his skin, too, and make him join their cursed congregation—

REPORT ANY AND ALL SIGHTINGS TO THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY

Jay sprinted out, taking the keys in his hands and opening the door. He locked it behind him, trapping the molten man inside swiftly, and he ran home.

Once he finally made it inside the safety of his own— his uncle’s home, he began to think the monster must’ve followed him.

So, he hid behind the kitchen’s trash can, up against a counter, a wall, and stole himself away. He had to make sure he wasn’t seen— he wasn’t going to be melted—

I need to tell mom about this—

Elio. He needed to tell Elio about this.

I’m scared—!

***

“There hasn’t been such a thing.” Elio told him. “I’ve never heard of that.”

“I swear it happened. There was some— some report—!”

Elio put his hand on Jay’s shoulder. “It’s okay, just take a moment. Are you— afraid? It could come after you, too?”

“Yes.”

“…have you tried to report it to the police?”

“…not yet!”

“Uhm— try that. But first, let’s— just continue with work. I’ll go check the station later today, then I’ll come back, and see if there’s anything we can do.”

Jay nodded.

So, after work, Elio found Jay, who had only just begun his new shift, going back to printing what he’d left off at, and explained the news as Jay worked.

“It looks like they caught the wax guy.”

“Molten man?”

“Yeah. That’s the name.” Elio nervously glanced around. “Well, he’s gone now, so— no need to worry. What did you say you heard it from?”

Jay apprehensively looked around. “…here. I was printing— then I heard this report about an explosion at a festival, crushing many people, and— forming them, I assume— into the molten man. And he looked for your skin so he could add it to his. Hence ‘molten man’— melted skin, together— I— I thought I saw him— it— skin was melting into each other in weird blends and angles, different colors so subtly clashing—“

“It’s okay. He’s gone now.”

“…okay. Thank you for checking.”

Elio nodded. He looked extremely nervous.

“…what is it? Do you think he’s still out there?”

“…no, Jay— should I be honest?”

Jay incredulously heightened his pitch, as if that was just a question you asked or— “Yes! Of course you should!”

Elio bit his lip. “The molten man is not real.”

Jay blinked. “I saw him. Of course he’s real.”

“The molten man is not real.”

“…my imagination is not at all colorful. Are you saying I could’ve possibly imagined the molten man?”

“Jay, you’ve been working for the entire day— for about a month straight. You might be delirious and missing sleep.”

“I can’t sleep.” Jay added.

Elio’s hand felt for Jay’s, and he held onto it. “Why not? Is there something bothering you again?”

“I just can’t sleep. I don’t know why.”

“Maybe try to get more comfortable. Drink some tea— warm, eat well, get into something comfortable, make sure you sleep in a nice place, a soft bed, and… do whatever you can to get some good rest. Just rest, and start to eat something for breakfast, lunch and dinner— and keep shorter hours.”

Jay’s heart sank. Maybe he was imagining it. He was sick— or he was unwell, and that’s what everyone said. “—d-do you think I might be catching a fever?”

Elio examined Jay, then put a hand to his forehead. “…you are unusually colder. You could be. Just take my advice and get proper rest. Do you have access to full meals? If you need something to eat, I can always bring something.”

“No, no. I should be alright. I should be fine.”

“Okay. Just— I don’t want to see you here any earlier than I arrive, so don’t come here until—“

“—but I have to work! I can’t just not— I need to get a few savings, something— I have to live alone—“

Elio held Jay by the shoulders. “Jay, it’s alright. You can take your time. If your uncle ever kicks you out, just come by. Please, take your health into consideration—“

“—I can’t stay with you! I don’t want— I don’t want to burden you.” he shook his head wildly, as if shaking it wilder and crazier every second would prove his point further.

“Jay, I’m serious. At this point, you’re doing us both a favor.”

“I don’t want to stay with anyone.” Jay shook his head. “I just want to be alone.”

Elio’s face scrunched into worry. “Why? Can’t you have some help?”

“No. I hate everyone— all these people— they’re all hiding something— are you hiding something, too?” Jay suddenly accused Elio, the same old fear. He searched him for that same strange emotion.

“Okay, Jay, you shouldn’t be here now. No more overtime.”

“You’re dodging the question! I’m just trying to stay safe—!”

“No, I am not hiding a single thing. There, the question has been addressed. Now, I’m taking you to your home.”

Clarification was important.

Jay stayed quiet. Home.

So, without a single word, Elio walked Jay home. He held Jay by the shoulders again, and reiterated all he told him.

“Make sure you sleep good tonight. Don’t come in early tomorrow, and actually eat your breakfast. You look terribly thin. Okay?”

Jay slowly nodded. “Okay.”

“Take care of yourself, Jay. Your health is the most important thing.”

Jay nodded again.

“Alright… Goodnight, then. Please have dreams as sweet as you are.”

Jay blinked. “Goodnight, Elio. I hope your dreams are even sweeter.”

Elio nodded once. “Take care.”

Jay waved as he went.

He then entered ‘home’, having something quick and secret from the kitchen— a little bread and cheese, a staple and classic.

His stomach hurt the moment it took to digesting. However, it wasn’t a big deal. Jay sat until the window, safely near moonlight, and— somehow, this time, fell asleep sitting up.

He was woken in the middle of the night.

Something in the living room glowed red. Violent red.

It drew closer and closer— Jay could tell by how the light danced along the floor.

I need— I need to hide—!!

Jay frantically looked around, scared and absolutely confused— he knew that he needed to hide, but it had to be in something like a closet.

Kitchen— the counters— he just had to find a relatively empty one.

He wasn’t going to empty it out for himself. He wouldn’t move a thing, in fact, because his uncle would be furious with him.

Under the sink!

There was a cabinet under the sink that held nothing but its pipes. Occasionally, it held the random cleaning solution, or something to catch drips if the sink was leaking— but other than that, it was relatively empty. So, Jay thrust it open, managed to wedge himself inside, and closed the door.

He could see the violent light. It was searching for him.

He heard a guttural scream, deep within the crevices of a monstrous throat, and saw a disgusting thing move through the cracks the cabinet and the door made.

Oh stars. What is that? What have I dragged into here? Why is it looking for me— why have there been so many monsters searching—

“Hey!”

The sound of a kitchen tile!

“He’s in there, stupid!”

Who was ratting him out?!

Buzzing came to Jay’s ears— loud and unwarranted— it blinded him, snow swirling in his vision— and he could feel the monster come closer—

The door swung open, revealing his spot.

“What are you DOING IN THERE?!”

…uncle.

Jay blinked, falling out of the cabinet with the utmost movie ease.

“HAVE YOU LOST IT?!”

He realized it was morning, but a very gloomy morning. The windows once again were full of clouds.

It was a depressing sight to see, never mind his screaming uncle.

“ANSWER ME!!”

Jay blinked. He felt tears. “I— I heard a noise— I don’t think the kitchen is safe—“

His uncle grabbed him by his hair, yanking him up. “You’re such a pain.”

“—I— I understand how you feel.” Jay substituted for a ‘sorry’.

“Now, really, LEAVE.” his uncle commanded. “I can’t keep your mangy ass in here anymore.”

Jay blinked. His heart ached, the same hollow feeling in his stomach from when he was a child returned. “Y-you can’t—“

“NOW.”

Wait. But— the money. The money I saved. It’s in one of these cabinets. If I go— I can’t take it. I can’t just take it in front of him!

But that’s my money! I worked so hard for it!

Elio said I looked sick— I worked myself sick for that money.

I need it—

How am I going to eat? How am I going to find somewhere to live?!

Jay grabbed his uncle by his arms. “Please— I just want to live—“

His uncle threw his hands off.

“I just want to have— something— just somewhere—!” He reasoned, pushed to tears out of nowhere. “I don’t want to— I don’t— please, I’ve been— trying so hard—“

“What are you even talking about!?”

Jay grabbed him by his collar desperately, then wondered if he felt scared when someone grabbed his shirt. “I promise I won't cause any problems— I’m so sorry—“

The word ‘sorry’…

Maybe his uncle got a little too offended. Why exactly, he didn’t know. It was only an apology.

But it seemed to be so terrible. His uncle dragged his head to a wall and slammed it into it until it cracked and left drips and wax and pieces of his skull…

…

***

Hospital. Part two.

Since Jay’s face wasn’t badly shattered, he was slightly okay when he was recovering.

Physically, at least.

My skin is so fragile. It broke so easily.

I wonder if I look any different.

I wonder if I look like myself.

I don’t feel like myself.

Who am I?

Do I think for myself?

Is something else taking me over?

I think so.

It felt scarier here. It was less quiet than the previous visit— sometimes, he could hear people in agony. And that nurse wasn’t there— so— the original charm and… whatever he…

Oh, he’d never given her his address.

Well, it wasn’t even his.

Maybe… one day, she’d still be here, and he would have somewhere of his own— and then he could send her a letter.

And then they’d talk all over again.

But now, she wasn’t here, and he felt worse than ever.

Instead of a low buzz, there was a high ring— and the ringing hurt more.

What do I even look like? What does my face look like? If I was— I’m—

His thoughts immediately switched.

I don’t know why he was so mad.

There was something there—

Maybe it was a dream.

Then why would I be in the cabinet?!

Sleepwalking?

I should just forget that it ever even happened. If it’s out of mind, it’s out of sight— or— something like that.

Yeah. It never happened.

It’s better that way.

So, Jay waited in the hospital with a head full of multiple cracks. He waited until he got better…

Medical bills. I’m an adult… and…

…that’s a lot of money.

Money I don’t even have anymore.

It’s all at my uncle’s house!

I worked— so hard—!

And finally, as an adult, was able to get out of the hospital. Once again, he was warned that his skin was still a little fragile.

But now, even more so.

And there were also those new bills to pay. He also had no money, so something that sounded a lot like ‘debt’ and was spelt a lot like ‘debt’ surely came his way.

That constant ringing never left. Immediately plunged into deep stress, pressure soon never left him, either. It felt like he would explode. At all times.

And the funny thing was that it was just as metaphorical as it was literal.

In the meantime, he was without a home, so he knew what he should do.

Talk to Elio.

And that was what he did.

“Maybe it would’ve been a better idea to have stayed with me this whole time?” He suggested. “It’s nothing personal— I’m only saying.”

Jay knew it must’ve been intended as a lesson to ask for help and accept it when you needed it— or maybe just pointing out what could’ve been— so he only nodded.

“Alright… we’ll go there after work.” He added. “Oh, and, have you been feeling any better? You haven’t been at work for a while. Did you decide to take a break…?”

Jay nodded again. No one but his boss had to know that he was in the hospital.

“That’s good. Let’s just get through today.”

So they did. Jay felt relaxed and excited, copying books again and again, getting paper cuts and cracks along his fingers again and again. It meant that he was working and that he would get paid. He wouldn’t have to worry about having no money soon.

Then, at the end of the day, Elio met up with him with a smile, and they once again walked to his house. It felt like forever since they had.

“You’re thinking about school, right? You can go still, y’know. Complete what you haven’t done.”

Jay shrugged. “I’m thinking about just… never doing that. What good will the rest of school have for me, anyways? You really only cover the important stuff in the earlier years. The rest is just… unrealistic, more advanced versions of whatever you’ve learnt. I mean, when will advanced math ever help me? I know how to add, subtract, multiply, divide— I know percentages and the like— and the rest. So why do I need to learn how to find the surface area of a sphere if not for simple math practice?”

Elio nodded. “That’s true.”

“And plus, I’m not an idiot if I don’t finish school. I can still read and write— and I think I do those quite well, if I’m being honest.”

Elio, growing a smile, patted Jay on the shoulder. “Maybe you can write a book one day! Something of the sort.”

“…no.” Jay shook his head. “About what, even?”

“A fantasy land? The molten man?”

Jay frowned, but he found it funny. “Okay. One day, I’ll write about the molten man. Then one day, it’ll get so popular, it’ll be adapted to the stage.”

“You could play the molten man!”

“Sure. And I’ll get rich and famous, and everyone will love me.”

“You’d make a great molten man.”

Jay blinked. Maybe he would. “Elio, have you ever seen a play before?”

“I think once, when I was a child?”

“I’ve never seen one before.” Jay’s eyes scanned the snow. “Though, I’ve always wanted to.”

Elio, intrigued, watched Jay watch the snow. “Why do you ask?”

“I just thought of being an actor.”

“…why?”

“It seems fun.” And it gives me a reason to feel like someone I’m not. It would make it okay.

“Well… you could be an actor. Here— pretend like you’ve just witnessed a terrible accident, and everyone you love is gone!”

“I don’t need to pretend that.” Jay glared at Elio, jokingly, of course.

“Even better! Your emotions, because they’re real, will resonate with the audience. And you’ll be the greatest actor known.” Elio advised with a grin.

Jay thought more on it for a moment. “True. But it’s mostly because if you’re a famous actor, you get lots of money.”

“Oh. Money. Yeah, but that’s a little difficult… you’ll have to have some real talent.”

“I can be really talented if I try my best. Plus, I think it would be fun, learning lines and acting them… what does an actor even do, anyways? It can’t be that hard…”

Elio thought along with Jay. Yes, what did actors do…? “Well… you would have to work harder than everyone else, for one. That’s how you get recognized. Then that’s how you make money.”

“Do I just work way harder than everyone else…?”

“I guess so. But there might always be someone who works harder than you. You have to really try your best.”

Jay sighed. It maybe could be harder than he thought. “Maybe, then, I would need a special talent? Something no one else could do…”

“Hmmm… maybe enchantingly good looks?”

“…don’t say that.” Jay stared at him.

“It’s only a suggestion.” Elio shrugged. “But it definitely helps! And— on a side note— you do look much more handsome than when I last saw you. Did you change your face?”

Jay shook his head. “No. I guess I’m only supposed to grow up pretty.”

Elio chuckled.

“…well, if I become an actor or not, it doesn’t matter. I just wanna have money.” Jay shrugged. “Then I don’t have to rely on anyone anymore. Like you. I’m not saying it’s bad— but I feel bad.”

“I don’t mind. You can stay with me until the end of time! At least I won’t be so lonely.”

Jay nodded slowly, smiling.

It just scares me, too. You’re not like Aelita— but what if you were?

I don’t think I can sleep if we get there. I don’t think I can sleep at all.

I’m sorry. I just don’t trust you.

“Ah… money… well… hopefully, one day, you get a lot of money. Hopefully you become rich and can spend your money on whatever nonsense you’d like. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

Jay sighed, relishing the thought. “I could buy whatever I want, whenever. That would be nice…”

“Mhm… man, do you know what I’d do with a lot of money? I’d probably give it away. I mean, it’s nice to have money, but y’know— there’s people like us. So… I don’t know, I guess I’d do whatever I can to help out. After a home and food— what else can you really buy? Nothing. At least, not necessities— so I’d buy them for everyone else. Or at least use my money to open a business and lots of jobs, and ones that pay decently for what you have to put up with.”

“That’s awfully nice. I think I’d do the same.”

Elio smiled. “Maybe we could do it together.”

Jay shook his head with another smile. “No.”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t want to.”

“…because…?”

“I want to be alone later on in life. I don’t want to deal with anyone.”

“Ah… I see. To each his own.”

Jay slowly nodded.        

I’m scared. I can’t live with him! What if he’s Aelita again—?

I can’t… I wish I was dead!

***

But they made it to Elio’s house anyway. Elio said that he would let Jay just simply have his entire room, and that he could sleep on the couch— but Jay declined, his spoken reason being that he liked couches more— but his real reason was that he would feel bad, because he wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. And if he wasn’t able to sleep at all, Elio most certainly could— and he could be doing so in a nice, soft bed that was his. So, after another little quarrel over who would be receiving the nicer end of things, Jay won the couch. Hooray!

Just as expected, Jay couldn’t sleep. He hugged his stomach the entire night, and kept hearing things that fooled him into thinking Elio was awake and looking over him.

Elio is asleep. You haven’t heard the door open yet, so how could he be here?

And then he heard the door open.

So, Jay sat up immediately, and peeked over the couch and spied on Elio’s door.

Is it closed? I can’t see if it’s closed. It’s too dark. There’s barely any moonlight in here. I don’t feel safe. I don’t think I can sleep tonight.

Jay investigated closer and found that the door wasn’t open and never was. He checked every other door, closed ones that were open only slightly— and kept it in mind that they were closed, and if they were opened any time in the night, he could see if they were slightly cracked open and know that they were completely closed before.

The night felt long. This was especially because Jay kept thinking he heard each door open, never close— and when he went to check, he found that they were closed.

None of the doors ever open. I’m only hearing things. It must be the stress…

So, he sat back down on the couch, and wondered.

Maybe I could take out my flame… and hold it while I read a book? Does Elio have any books around here?

Jay sat back up, brought out his flame, and found a bookshelf. It housed many books— How to Garden, How to Cook, Recipes for the Amateur Cook, Household Repairs, Why Your Love Life is Terrible, History of the King’s Reign— the like. He chose Why Your Love Life is Terrible out of curiosity and because he figured that he should find someone who loved him while he actively loved them back.

He simply sat on the couch and began reading.

Until the door opened and creaked.

Jay turned around, putting out his flame.

Oh stars. He’s here. I might have to kill him.

I can’t kill him! I can’t kill anyone— I don’t know— I just say I’m going to kill someone but I really can’t and I’m just scared—

Then the door closed.

He really is here! I’m not hearing things!

Then it opened and closed and opened.

And soon, all the doors were opening and closing again, the sound assaulting Jay’s ears.

Maybe if I— hide under the blankets—

Jay grabbed the book and the blankets, quickly folding them over himself as if he had been caught by his mom, awake late at night.

The doors kept opening and closing, louder and louder. But Jay felt safe under the covers, as if he was surrounded by howling winds— but safe behind a rock that broke and cut through the wind, holding onto a candle that flickered but was just as safe as he was from that very same wind.

I’m safe. He doesn’t see me. If he tries to look for me, I’m under the covers— so he can’t see me. I’m only a pile of blankets that can’t do anything. Just blankets. Just blankets.

As quietly and as undisturbing to the pile of blankets he could be, he clutched onto his stomach, hugging his shirt to his body.

I’m hidden. I’m safe. He can’t find me. He can’t get to me here! There’s no way. No way! No way. No way. I’m safe.

But the doors— the doors wouldn’t stop. That high pitched ringing— it came along and paired itself with that low buzzing— and Jay could hear Elio’s voice.

“Jay, where’d you go? I can’t see you. You need to come out.”

No. I’m fine under the blankets. I’m fine under the blankets. You can’t find me. I’m hidden. I’m not coming out.

“The molten man is here, and you need to come out!”

You said it yourself! He isn’t real!

“But he is! I was lying to make you feel safer. He’s real, alright, and he’s coming to get you. He already got me and my skin, and he’s coming for you, too. You’re already more than one person. Your skin isn’t yours. You’re a bigger target. The molten man wants more people. You’re more than one person. More than one.”

No— no, I’m not— I’m whole— I’m me—

“Oh, Jay, that can’t be possible. You must choose one— your body or your mind. Which one is yours? Which do you choose?”

Both! I can have both! They’re both mine!

“No, no, you greedy little boy.”

I’m an adult!

“You can’t have both of them! There’s only one. You choose one, and I get the other. You can have your mind but I will have your body, and you can have your body but I will have your mind.”

I’m keeping both! I keep both of them—! They’re mine, and they always have been!

“Not when you were with Aelita. She had all of them. Even if you had your mind, too, you didn’t have your body. And if you had your body, she had your mind.”

But you’re not Aelita.

“You said it yourself! What if I was? And you were right— I am. But who do you think will believe you? Who do you think will believe any of what you say? The molten man isn’t real. Kitchen tiles can’t talk. That thing that follows you around isn’t real. You, being shunned by the world and used by its inhabitants— that isn’t real, either. You never suffered. You never knew suffering. You only whined and cried, and your mother and father dying is all related to you— you killed them! You’re only running off, going out to parties or wherever in the skies you go to, cause trouble, and end up in the hospital! Why should I have to take care of you?! I never wanted children, so why do I have you?!”

I am an ADULT!

“That’s what Aelita told you, and that’s what you still think! But Aelita never hurt you. She’s not real. She never happened—“

SHUT UP!!

“—and you imagined it! You’re going crazy! You’re going crazy!”

STOP IT!!!

Jay curled up under the blankets, hugging his stomach, holding his head— building up with pressure.

“Even I’m not real! You’re going crazy! You’re losing your mind! You’re crazy! You’re crazy! You’re crazy! You are mentally ill and retarded.”

SHUT UP!!!

“You’re going crazy, you’re going crazy, you’re going crazy~!”

I’M NOT! I AM PERFECTLY FINE.

The pressure built up. His head was throbbing, he felt nauseous, tears leaked from his eyes.

“No, don’t deny it! You’re insane! You’re insane! You’re insane! They’ll take you to a ward, they’ll tie you up, they’ll put you on medication and hurt you, and then you’ll die alone and in pain— they’ll test on you when all you ever needed was love.”

How true it is—

“But I can give you love. I can give you everything. Just give one to me— your body or your mind— give me all of them, and I’ll make you feel loved!”

His head felt like it would cave in. Certain spots felt harder than others— full of, what, stress?— and they mixed around in his head like wild animals, all running and clamoring and killing each other and eating the carcasses.

No— no, stay away from me! Go back— open the doors and LEAVE—!!!

“You’re going crazy! You’re going crazy! You’re going crazy!”

AAGHH— JUST SHUT UP!!!

Jay’s head was near combustion— but the pressure found a different way out. Through his fingertips, which burst open, and leaked wax out.

He immediately balled his fists, jolting up from the blankets, shaking them off of himself as he gasped for air, trapped, trying not to get wax everywhere. Eventually, the blankets fell off his head, and he gasped for clean, cold, crisp air.

It was daybreak. It felt like Jay had just survived a nighttime security job, being hunted down by monsters galore.

The doors were all closed.

There was no more buzzing, no more ringing.

Elio was gone.

His body and mind were— well, his— just not intact.

Jay’s eyes went to his shaking hands, which folded open to reveal broken fingertips, leaking with wax. The pressure in his head fizzled away. He could feel it leaving his body, out through his fingers. He felt fine. The pressure— the stress— the anxiety. It all left him slowly, revealing the deep exhaustion it hid behind itself.

Jay trembled. His hands— broken, shaking— his palm cracked as a wave of pressure crashed through it. Tears, that had been leaking from his eyes, came out. He gasped for air again, devolving into sobs, trying to cover his face with his broken and dripping hands. The hot wax from them slowly dribbled into his sleeves, pooling at the bottom of them, covering his hands in his own bodily fluids. Jay scraped at his face in total desperation, now sweating— he grabbed his bangs and tugged, he sobbed and cried, breaking, leaking, broken, broken, unfixable hands—

“Jay?” Elio called to him, having just woken up. “Jay, what’s wrong?”

He was lost in his hands, in the bangs that matted, sweaty, his face. He had come undone.

I’m not crazy! I’m not crazy— I’m not crazy, I swear— don’t— I’m not crazy— don’t put me in a ward— I’m fine— it’s only stress— I’M NOT CRAZY!!!”

Elio, face riddled with shock, stood totally still. His jaw hung in disbelief as his eyes darted all around, wondering what sort of meltdown he had just walked into.

Jay, in this state, had no consideration for others or even himself. He sobbed like there was no tomorrow, gasping and groaning, grinding his voice on gravel.

“…it— it’s alright—“ Elio sat at Jay’s side, just as he had— what, three—? years ago. He put his hand on Jay’s back, leaning over to examine his face. “—it’s okay. Just calm down. No one’s calling you crazy.”

“YOU ARE!!!” Jay sobbed with emphasis on either word.

Elio blinked. “No, I— I never said anything like that.”

“YES, YOU DID!! YOU WALKED IN HERE— AND MESSED WITH THE DOORS BECAUSE YOU KNEW I HATED IT— AND THEN YOU TOLD ME— THAT I WAS CRAZY— THAT I HAD TO GIVE UP— EVERYTHING TO YOU—!!!”

“J— Oh, Star Phoenix, what happened to your hands?!”

Jay covered his face and sobbed. “DON’T PRETEND LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW! YOU SAID ALL OF THAT— WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”

Elio held Jay’s shoulders. “Jay— Jay, look at me— calm down—“

“SHUT UP! YOU’RE EVIL— I CAN’T TRUST ANYONE ANYMORE!!!”

“Ahhhh—“ Elio panicked, sitting up from the couch and going to the kitchen, grabbing an empty glass from the cabinet and pouring cold water from the sink into it, all while Jay was breaking down.

“—here!” he breathed as he returned to Jay, carefully holding the half-full glass. “Just— drink this water. Cool yourself down.”

“YOU POISONED IT.”

“—uhm. Uhm. No. No I didn’t.”

Jay’s hands dragged away from his face, and he glared at Elio with deadly eyes. “THEN DRINK IT.”

“Sure— fine, I’ll drink the whole thing.” Elio obliged as he stared down the glass, then poured the whole thing down his throat.

Jay stared at him, immensely judging.

“—w-well, I have to go get a new glass, now—“

“HOW DO I KNOW YOU WON’T POISON THAT ONE, EITHER?! WHAT ABOUT IF THE POISON DOESN’T KICK IN UNTIL LATER? HOW DO I KNOW YOU WON’T GIVE ME ANOTHER GLASS NOW AND THEN WE BOTH DIE FROM THE POISON ONCE IT KICKS IN??”

“Jay, I didn’t poison the water!”

“THEN LET ME SEE YOU POUR IT.”

So, Elio took Jay’s hand (to which he screamed at until Elio let go and told him simply to ‘follow me’) and took him to the kitchen. There, he grabbed a new glass and poured kitchen sink water into it.

Jay stared at the glass. He wouldn’t take his eyes off of it.

Elio, who hadn’t tampered with the glass for another second, handed it to Jay. “Here.”

“THE TAP IS POISONED.”

“Jay, for the love of the stars in the night sky, it’s not poisoned.”

Jay’s face scrunched up. He covered it.

“…Jay, just— I just need you to calm down…”

“…FINE. I’LL CALM DOWN.” Jay spoke as he pulled his hands from his face, crunching them into fists, excess wax that had dripped and dried broke off and were caught in them.

Elio slowly nodded, making sure Jay didn’t suddenly blow up. “…good.”

Jay simply stood there. His emotions were eating away at him as he sniffled, being brought to tears again. He wiped at his eyes.

“…here…” Elio pressed the cold glass of water against his forehead. “Just let yourself cool down.”

Jay blinked, face softening, wiping his eyes again.

Elio smiled sweetly at him, still pressing the glass against his head.

He—

…

It’s okay… you’re okay…

Awake… you’re back… only a dream… don’t worry…

Elio is okay. You were only dreaming. You let that take over you.

Jay exhaled deeply, taking the glass from Elio’s hands.

“There you go. C’mon, let’s sit down.” He smiled as he took Jay back to the couch.

You were only dreaming. You’re sick. You don’t feel well. But that’s okay, because soon, you’ll feel better. You just need your own place.

Jay sat at the couch with Elio, who sighed, seemingly more tired than he was.

“…are you alright? What happened to your hands?”

“…I— I… they… m-my skin… it’s fragile.”

Elio nodded slowly, patting Jay’s back.

“I got scared in the middle of the night. Pressure built up in my body and it tried to blow me up. It escaped through my fingers, instead.”

“You got scared? Of what? The doors?”

Jay blinked. He stared off at another wall, another spot on the carpet. “You were trying to— you don’t love me, do you?”

“Of course I love you! You’re like… my son, in a way…”

“You don’t love your children.”

“What do you mean?”

“You wouldn’t marry your child!”

“…oh, Jay, no— not like that! I love you like a father loves his son. Because they’re family.”

“…so you don’t love me like you want to marry me?”

Elio blinked. “Not at all. Who would do such a thing? You’re a child, for one, and you’re also a boy.”

“I’m an adult now.”

Elio slowed down. He pulled his hand from Jay. “…right…”

Don’t calm me down like a— a child, either. I’m just sick. It’s a fever. Don’t treat me like I’m a child just because I have a fever.

“…don’t scare me…” Jay begged, covering his face. “You were opening all the doors in the middle of the night. You told me crazy things. It sounded like you wanted me.”

“Star Phoenix above and Eden below. Jay, no— no, I— who would do such a thing?? Where are you getting this from?”

Jay shook his head. “I don’t know— I don’t know, it was just a dream—“ he groaned as he held his face with both of his hands, leaning back on the couch. “—I’m so sorry— it was just a terrible dream— it wasn’t reaaalllll…”

“It’s okay. Just… relax.” Elio sighed as he put a hand to Jay’s head, ruffling his hair. “I would never even think of such a thing. You know it. You’ve known me forever— I’m not like that. Where did you ever get the notion that I was?”

Jay pulled his hands from his face and burned his eyes into the ceiling.

Looks can be deceiving. So, so, so deceiving.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Look— just take a sick day today. Stay here, help yourself to wh—“

“—no— no, Elio— I’m— I have to go.”

“What? No, Jay, that’s crazy— I— you’re not crazy, of course, but— you have to stay home! You don’t feel good, and you shouldn’t be feeling any worse.”

Jay shook his head wildly, jolting up. “I need to work. I need to get back all that money— I just lost all of it—! And— I have to— I have to pay off— I need to work.”

“Pay off what??”

“Just let me come with you today. Please. I’m BEGGING YOU.” Jay grabbed Elio’s shoulders and squeezed him hard. “I feel fine! It’s— it’s— it was just a bad dream— I’m alright now— you— you calmed me down, look! I’m calm now! I FEEL FINE. JUST LET ME WORK.”

“Stars, Jay— no! You don’t sound fine! You don’t look fine! You need to stay here today. In fact, until you get better. I don't know what’s been going on, but it needs to stop— and you need to make a full recovery before you get back to doing anything.”

“I can handle it. I’m not a child! I’m an adult! I can go to work— I just— I need to— GET OUT OF HERE! I NEED TO LIVE ALONE—“

Elio sighed. “Please understand that you need to get better. What, why do you want to live alone— is it because you think I might hurt you?”

Jay shook his head, but that was the answer. He could never be too sure. Aelita was nice— and she, in the end, manipulated him— made him love her back— but he never wanted any of it. So he had to be careful and make sure no one ever tricked him again.

“…Jay.”

“Please. Just today. I promise I’ll feel better. I’ll eat enough today— I’ll take care of myself— I’ll go to bed— please, just LET ME GO.”

“Jay!”

“Elio. I need money. You KNOW THIS!”

“But not so quickly—! Just skip today, you have a home with me, here—“

“I need it NOW.”

Elio made a lowering motion with his hand, the other snatching Jay’s shoulder as his own were being held. “Okay. Calm down. Is this because of whatever you said you had to pay off?”

Jay blinked. He’d forgotten he’d let that slip. “I— I was just— I was saying things. I didn’t mean them. I don’t need to pay anything off. It’s okay, Elio—“

“—look. If you need to tell me anything—“

“—AGGHHHH— I DO—! BUT—“ Jay threw his hands into his face and groaned terribly.

“—okay, calm down.” Elio held him tighter. “You have something to pay off?”

“—I was in the hospital.”

“T-the hospital?” Jay could hear the terror take over his voice. “J-Jay, for what? Why were you in the hospital??”

Jay sobbed once.

“It’s— you’re okay. You’re here. Is— is that why you— look a little different—?”

“YES.” he confessed immediately. “I’M SORRY.”

Elio calmed him down with a little pat. “Jay… just— quiet. It’s okay. Tell me this calmly and quietly. You must be scared if you’re talking so quickly and with such dread. So, tell me— is there anything you’re scared of that I can reassure you will not happen?”

“—I—!” Jay tried to protest, then drew some air in. He quieted down. “…I’m so scared of you. Please don’t hurt me.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

“…I’m scared I won’t be able to eat or live under a roof.”

“You’re here with me.”

“I’m scared that— those stupid bills will steal all the money I’VE EVER SAVED— be-before— I can even live in my own house— alone— no one to hurt me…”

“I can help.”

“NO! No you CAN’T help! DON’T EVEN TRY!”

Elio frowned, still so concerned. “Why not? It’s okay if I help with things like that—“

“But it’s your money—-!!”

“Look, I’ll be fine. I have a little to spend f—“

“—but save it for emergencies. Not for me. You’re already spending more on— food, for me— and keeping me in here—“ Jay rambled on and on, hugging his stomach and pulling away from Elio.

Elio wrapped Jay in a warm hug. “—Jay, bud, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m just trying to keep you safe.”

Jay groaned. “Can’t we please go to work.”

“We should talk about this first, okay?”

Jay sighed, his heart burning terribly. “…okay.”

“Okay. I want to help you because I care about you. That’s why I’m doing this. You have no reason to be afraid of me. Got it?”

“…yeah.”

“Now. Why did you go to the hospital?”

Jay blinked. He sighed, feeling the dreadful hollowness in his stomach. He didn’t want to tell.

“If someone’s hurting you, you should tell me.”

“It— fine— it was just my uncle.”

“HE SENT YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?!”

Jay whined and hid in his hands.

“UHM— No— that’s— that just startled me— it’s okay. I just— I just…”

“…hhh…”

“…don’t go back to your uncle.”

“He has my MONEY.”

“It’s okay. You’ll make it again. You have bills?”

“Yes.”

“You’ll pay them off. Okay? One day, you’ll marry a nice girl, and you’ll get some good income, and then you’ll have all the bills paid— and you’ll have a nice life.”

Jay, already daydreaming, trembled as he nodded. Elio held onto his wrists, stabilizing him.

“…okay.”

“Now… skip work today.”

“WAIT, ELIO—“

“Please, just one day.” Elio held up his hand, pausing the thought. “Stay here… and… if you feel better tomorrow, then— then you can come to work with me.”

Jay stared at Elio helplessly. “…Elio…”

“You need to get better. You need to, okay? Please, Jay, don’t hurt yourself this way.”

Phoenix. I hate this… I hate this… I want to work… I need money… I lost all my money… I just… I don’t want to rely on anyone, live alone— I want… to be an adult already…

“…okay…”

Elio gave Jay one last hug, ruffling his hair.

It sent shivers all over his body. His stomach ached, and instead of holding onto Elio, he held onto his stomach.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Elio asked, still holding onto Jay.

“Whatever you want.”

***

Suicide, Goddesses, and the Magic of the Theater

The next day, Jay pretended he was better. He acted fine, as he was already quite good at that, and joined Elio in work.

Jay worked his guts out. Every day, he worked, worked hard and diligently— though only to the extent that Elio would let him.

He got enough money.

He got enough insanity!

Every night, overworked, he thought of his life. He thought of the future. He thought of the sounds and the moving shadows around him— all from stress and strange dreams, all from him going crazy.

Slowly but surely, he stopped speaking entirely— worrying Elio immensely. Elio wanted him to take another break from work, something of the sort, but Jay simply never fought back and always came to work with him. No matter what. He always stayed, he always worked.

At night… it was always at night.

He whispered to himself, assured himself he was going in all the right directions— found something that calmed him— a little drawing of a simplified scenery— a tree’s silhouette in a sunset that he always imagined was purple. He drew it whenever he wanted to calm down. Sometimes, he saw it in the walls, in the windows. He saw it when he slept if he slept, and he always felt comforted. Always.

Breaking down, he worked. He worked. He saved up money. He never spoke. He calmed himself. He hallucinated. He blamed it on stress. He broke the tips of his fingers and pushed the crisp pieces of skin back together just to feel alive.

Eventually, he didn’t know why he was doing any of it. He didn’t know what he was feeling, ever— it was good to use different ways to kill the emptiness.

He left Elio, simply said he had found a place, and went to live there.

“Okay. Goodbye, Jay. Please, don’t worry about me— only about yourself. Make sure you’re in a good place.” Elio advised. He knew that Jay would leave, and wouldn’t stop for anything to do so— he didn’t want to fight him about it anymore.

Jay would leave.

He couldn’t do anything about it.

He could only make sure Jay was alright when he did.

As a parting gift, he gave Jay things he would need— like some clothes he barely wore anymore, and a few snacks for the road.

Jay knew that Elio wouldn’t fight him anymore. So, he wouldn’t do it either. He accepted the gift.

Then… he made it to his ‘new place’— which was really just a hotel.

All he wanted to do was get away from Elio.

He couldn’t sleep at all.

And Elio kept telling him to stop going to work.

He was fine. He was fine. He could go to work.

He needed the money.

At the same time…

“Jay.” Elio had passed by him at work once. “Take another sick day. I know, it’s hard— but please. You don’t look good at all.” he whispered.

Jay didn’t respond.

Prim also came around to joke with him sometimes. He didn’t respond to them, either.

He didn’t say anything. He only worked.

Mostly because now, everyone’s faces looked molten. They had overgrown with darkness.

He didn’t want to talk to anyone when they looked like that.

Jay worked and kept his home at the little hotel, eating every other day and eating something he bought from a nearby shop. He was at least finally able to sleep. There was no one living with him.

Maybe that sleep part was a lie.

He could sleep because he wasn’t living with anyone— but he couldn’t sleep because he kept seeing strange things.

Shadows would move. He would hear whispers. Things in the night would creep up and watch him sleep. Often, he hid away— under the blankets or in the closet when it got worse. He always had to hide until morning.

Mom and Dad.

Yes. They were on his mind all the time now.

I WOULD NEVER BE IN ANY OF THIS IF THEY HADN’T DIED!!

…

Jay became terribly depressed once more.

He couldn’t stop working, though. He worked until the little scenery he loved to draw appeared with him at work, and he drew it all the time. It popped up everywhere. It never left him. He got even worse. He looked terrible. Elio kept telling him. ‘Go home and rest.’ But he never listened. He never listened. He kept working.

He thought that the shadows, buzzing and ringing, whispers and things that disappeared as he turned had followed him to work. He could see them. He could hear them.

Even his boss told him to go home.

He was getting bad.

He got extremely bad.

“Jay. Really, go home. Or I will ask to kick you out.” Elio warned him. “Where do you live now? I’ll come over to your house. If not, I’ll even follow you.”

Jay instantly broke down hearing this. “Do NOT FOLLOW ME. I WILL MURDER YOU.”

Elio blinked in shock. Death threats.

That night, Jay wondered as he went home:

Why am I alive? I could die. I could be with my parents. I don’t have to be on this fucking world anymore!

I could just kill myself. I wouldn’t need to struggle. I would be in paradise with my parents. We could all be dead.

I’m useless, anyways! I’ve gone insane. But— no— it’s just— STRESS—!!!!

AELITA… AELITA… I HATE HER.

SHE RUINED MY LIFE!! IF IT WASN’T FOR HER—

IF MY PARENTS HADN’T DIED, I WOULDN’T EVEN NEED TO HAVE STAYED WITH HER— AND SHE WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN HER FUCKING HANDS ON ME.

I WAS 15!!! I WAS A CHILD.

HOW DARE SHE!!!

I HAVE NO LIFE ANYMORE.

The shadows enclosed on him. The night would be cold.

I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

He was ruined, anyways— and it was too difficult to keep on trying. He didn’t want to anymore. It would only get more difficult, so why bother?

It was better to stop now before anything else happened.

So, Jay fought every noise and vision. He threw on a coat, and thought of a nice, desolate bridge in the mountains. He remembered one, remembered how to get there, and spent some time and money on a boat fare to get closer to it.

Finally, he climbed the mountain up to the bridge, the snow, all he had ever known, closing in on him.

It must’ve been scarier than waking up after realizing Aelita was a monster.

Maybe I could’ve got to see the rest of the world if I was given an easier life. If my parents hadn’t died. If I wasn’t forced to worry about finances and money and being homeless as a child. If I wasn’t forced to think about how my face could crack. How my identity slips from me.

Oh, stars. I could see it all from Orbit. I could see it all and live all my life in just one moment.

He thought of how fragile his skin was. If he fell from this bridge, let himself drop… he would make a satisfying splat and crunch on the ground. He would die.

It would be over.

It will be over.

It will be over.

Jay walked to the bridge. He walked to the edge.

He walked on the edge.

He sat on the railing. For a moment, he dangled his legs off of the edge.

Scary. Scary.

His last moments would be so, so painful.

If he could have anything— and he had nothing—

Then at least… could he have a painless death?

After all he’d been through…

He wanted to die, yes, but…

Pain-free.

If this was how it must be, then…

He would pretend like none of it had ever hurt in the first place.

Phoenix.

Please forgive me for everything I’ve done.

I’m too sick to go on.

I wouldn’t be of any use in this world.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Mom and Dad.

The pressure was building.

Can I see you again?

Is it okay that I’ve grown a little older since the last time I’ve seen you?

Dad, is it okay I’m years older now?

That I’m already an adult? 18?

Is it okay that I’ve spent ten years of birthdays without you?

Mom, is it okay that I’m older now, too?

I’m not 14 anymore. I spent my 15th birthday crying for you.

Is it okay that I spent that birthday crying for you?

Mom, Dad, will you still love me if I have been loved by someone malicious?

Will you love me even if I have been dirtied and unclean?

I love you.

Please, I want you to love me back.

Love me still.

Love me even if I have been torn limb from limb and eaten.

Love me even if I look like this.

If my face doesn’t remind you of yourselves anymore.

The pressure was building.

Love me.

I miss you.

Love me.

Love me even if I see and hear things no one else can.

Love me even if I belong in a ward.

Love me even if I am ill.

Love me and make your love my home, my food and water.

Love me because that’s all I need.

Love me despite all of this.

Despite me being an imperfect child.

Despite my impurities.

Being a hurt child.

Lost and scared.

The pressure was building.

Please, Star Phoenix and all the Light, I hope you still love me.

That’s all I need.

Love me despite it all.

Love me.

Love me, then I will be fixed.

Your love is all I need.

I crave it. I have been denied it.

I knew I would never feel it again.

Let me feel it now.

Love me.

Jay didn’t notice he was crying.

The pressure had built up until every bit of him was practically bursting— it screamed, banged on the walls of his hollowed body— let us out. Let us out.

His hands on the railing, sitting on it—

He pushed his hands off, lifted himself from the railing—

“WAIT!!! DON’T DO IT!!!”

Jay turned around. He didn’t need to move at all— whoever screamed his name pulled him back to safety by wrapping their arms around him and yanking him back, tugging on his neck.

Jay toppled back onto the bridge, coughing, his neck feeling torn apart. The pressure wobbled inside of him like a jelly fixated on collapsing.

“Don’t ever, ever try to kill yourself! It’s not worth it! There’s so much life to live—“

Stumbling to sit up, Jay figured this must be part of a dream. He had already fallen off the bridge, hit the bottom, and died. This was a dream of death. Breathing in and out, fast and quick, the pressure began to fizzle. He breathed harder.

The person who had pulled him back was… she looked sort of majestic. She wore a long, thick braid with even longer tendrils, and an outfit that flowed in the wind— which completely clashed with the fluffy, blue jacket she was wearing!

“—why do you even want to kill yourself, anyways?!”

Jay stared at her. His face contorted into deep regret. Maybe he hadn’t died yet.

I just have to go back. Maybe I just thought too much. If I hadn’t thought, I’d be dead.

So, instead of answering, Jay picked himself up and went back to the railings.

“WAIT! Wait— uhm— MARCUS. TOM. ANDREW?”

Jay turned back for a moment.

“—JASPER?!”

What?

He blinked.

More pressure built.

“—h-how do you know my name?”

The girl smiled.         “I know everything!”

Jay stared. “—oh, I’m hallucinating—“

“What? No! I assure you, I’m perfectly real!”

Jay turned back to the railings and grabbed a hold of them.

“NO— WAIT. DON’T DO IT.”

“Leave me ALONE!!”

The girl pulled him back away.

“AGHHH—!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

“NO. DO NOT KILL YOURSELF.”

“LEAVE ME ALONE! DON’T TOUCH ME!”

Jay scrambled from her grasp, moving back to the railings.

She reached for him again, grabbing him and pulling him away all over again.

Building.

“JUST LET ME GO!!!”

“Hold on—!! Just wait!”

The girl held him down, keeping him in place like the animal he was.

He calmed down, heaving shoulders and gasping sobs. Once more, the pressure was released with every heavy gasp dragging it out. Maybe he shouldn’t be the animal he was.

“…good. You feel alright?”

Jay glared at her. “Shut up. Shut up.”

“Okay… uhm…” the girl slightly smiled. “Look— what are you here for?”

Ugh… I need to die… I NEED TO DIE…

The girl knelt down and sat with Jay. “Sorry— I might’ve come off too strong. I’m sorry…”

…I don’t know…

“Here…” she made something appear from thin air— and she pressed it against his head. It was cold. It felt soothing.

All I need is someone to love me… my head is on fire… it aches… I’m lost…

“Do you feel better?”

Jay held onto whatever was pressing against his head. It was cold on his fingertips, too. He held it with both hands now, and held it close. The pressure waved away.

The girl simply let go. She still sat next to him. “Jasper, right?”

Slowly, Jay closed his eyes. He nodded ever so slightly.

“Jasper. Well… since I know your name, it’s only fair you know mine. My name is QD.”

He stared at her. The cold was still relaxing him, in his hands.

“…no comment? That’s fine.”

Jay swallowed hard. He still had no idea how she knew his name.

“You must be at a low point.” she stated the obvious. “Forgive me for the— uhm— how we began… that was… certainly a little eccentric.”

Was Jay just gonna sit there and say nothing?

“Why are you trying to kill yourself? Just curious. Maybe I could help you.”

“…I… I don’t know. I don’t have a life.”

“What? Of course you have a life. You’re living it!”

“…but… it’s ruined…”

“Because of terrible things that have happened to you?”

Jay nodded wildly. If he was going to talk about all his problems, it might as well be to some teleporting girl who pulled him away from a suicide attempt.

“Have you tried to make peace with them?”

How can I? How can I? When it hurts so bad. When I never wanted it? ANY OF IT?! When it fills me with HATRED—

Pressure.

He doubled over, subconsciously hugging his stomach, fighting the invisible enemy. The cold thing dropped from his hands. Then he broke out into sobs.

The girl placed a hand on his shoulder gently.

Jay lifted his head— there was something about it, the way the wind slowed down around her, ruffling her clothes and waving her hair as if it was suspended in water. Ethereal. Almost magical.

“It’s a struggle, isn’t it? It’s always so easy to say, ‘make peace’, ‘let it go’, or ‘accept it because it made you you’— but it never gets easy. It never starts easy.”

Why is she telling me this?

“You will get there one day.” she added. “Though, once again, it’s only talk— who am I to tell you that you’ll magically get better? That my words alone will heal you of all your wounds and your pain?”

Jay wiped at tears that naturally came to his eyes.

“…I have an idea. But you have to promise me something, okay?”

Curiosity. Of course. Jay thought for a moment, then slowly nodded.

Curious— even though he was extremely suspicious. Why wouldn’t he be? He thought of an escape plan if things went wrong— he would simply launch himself off of the bridge without a word. Too quick for her to catch him.

The girl flipped Jay’s hands over, facing his palms to him. He had no idea when she had started holding his hands, and how she had so gently stolen them— but here they were. She traced a crack down his palm, one that he had created and melted back together for fun— because he felt like it. Because he wanted to hurt himself.

“I will give you the power to create things beyond your imagination—“ she demonstrated, gently flicking her wrist and letting a butterfly sparkle from it before their very eyes. “—if you can promise me a simple thing.”

Jay, entranced, watched the butterfly flap its crystalline, delicate wings, galvanizing and beautiful as it flew off. What a soothing sight.

“Don’t ever hurt yourself again. Don’t try to repeat what you have attempted tonight.”

He met her eyes. She looked at him, strong and mystical, a being beyond this world’s comprehension.

“Do we have a deal?”

Jay wondered.

…maybe it’s another hallucination. Maybe I’m dreaming.

Maybe I really did die.

“…deal.”

QD smiled. “Good.” She folded one of his hands over the other, holding them all together, in a stack. “As for my end of the deal…”

When she pulled his hands apart, a serene, black feather appeared. It held a powerful aura, intensely vibrating with something so foreign and so strange. Dark and thick, luring and entrapping. He now knew it was all a scheme.

“Don’t be afraid. This is a powerful feather that will allow you to use the same powers I can. Through me, you and I will make a deal, as we already have— and it will allow me to give you these powers, all for you.”

She clasped his hands over the feather again. When she let them go and lent them back to Jay… the feather was nowhere to be seen.

She stood up, the wind following her. “Good. Do you know how to use them?”

Jay stumbled up, perpetually confused. He had just made a deal with some goddess girl— for powers. In exchange for— not… hurting himself?

This is all a sort of trap. I don’t actually have powers. This is a hallucination. I’m talking to a hallucination!

QD smiled. Jay’s puzzled silence told her all she needed. “Just… think of what you want, and make it a reality. I want… a fork.”

She held out her hand— and held onto a fork.

“Though… it’s all simply illusions. I can hold a fork, but a fork isn’t really there. That’s the only catch. None of it is real.”

…like hallucinations?

Jay seemed to hallucinate all the time. No one believed in anything he saw.

Now, he could make them believe.

I’d be a great molten man…

Can I make the molten man…?

Jay tried to imagine the molten man, standing right beside QD, his new friend—

—but was instantly paralyzed by a splitting headache that threatened to really send a crack down the middle of his head.

“Oh— maybe not something so big…!” QD warned, seeing Jay visibly reel back. She came to his aid and held his hands, pulling him back to stand straight again. “Just— just start with something small. A flower. You can slowly work your way to bigger things, and I’ll give you more feathers to tighten your connection with this magic.”

“…magic?” Jay asked as the word broke him free from the pain that emerged trying to use it.

“Yeah. It’s an Oath, but if that’s what you wish to call it…”

Jay stared at his hands. “I’m dreaming.”

“If you want me to pinch you, I can.”

Jay held out his arm.

QD pinched it ever so lightly.

“…I’m not dreaming.”

She grinned wide.

“…can… I make anything?” Jay stared at QD with a face that seemed intent on murder, calculating, cold— but really, he put his hand beside her ear… and when he brought it back, it held a pathetic flower. It dissipated within seconds.

QD softly gasped. She clapped her hands together and made tiny jumps. “You made something…! A flower…!”

Jay’s own face turned to surprise. “I DID! That was a MAGIC TRICK.”

Then he formed an idea.

I know how I can make money.

“Oh, Phoenix. QD, was it?”

“Yes, that’s my name.”

“…thank you. I feel so much better already.”

She cocked her head to the side. “Really? Wow. I guess you give a guy some magic, and it can really turn his life around…”

“Can— where— can we stay in touch? Please?”

“Sure. I’ll just follow you around. I can teach you how to use this magic even better than you already do!”

“Do you have an address? Somewhere I can send a letter to?”

QD shook her head. “I kinda don’t have a house!”

“…me neither.”

“Oh, sweet! Do you just wander around?”

Jay shook his head. “No— well— I’ve been living in a hotel—“

“Ohhh. I can respect that.”

Jay didn’t quite know what that meant. “Thank you.”

“Yeah.”

Slowly, still unsure if he was dead or dreaming, Jay glanced at his hands again.

I wanted to kill myself. I have magic. I’m dreaming, aren’t I?!

She’s right! There’s life to live.

I can make money. If I choose to use this talent— I can make money. Won’t everyone just love to see a magician perform?! I can be an actor.

I can pretend to be someone I’m not— and have it feel normal. Feel okay.

I can see things that no one else can see— then I can make them see it, too. And it would be normal. It would be a magic trick. I wouldn’t be mentally ill.

I can make money.

I can make money!!

I just have to work hard and show them my talent. As a magician and an actor.

Stars. Stars.

It would still be difficult.

He would still have nothing to eat for a while.

It would take some time for him to become famous.

He still had to go to work.

QD picked up her little cold item from the ground— which must’ve been forgotten of by now— and placed it in his hands.

Still cold. Still relaxing. Jay melted away, while feeling cooler— the pressure was gone. He was no longer hotter than he should be. Nothing inside of him threatened to blow.

“Should we go to your little hotel for tonight? I can teach you more there. After a good night’s rest, that is.”

He wouldn’t be able to sleep if he had someone else in there with him.

“…uhm… I— I don’t know.”

“It’s alright! I’m just gonna hop on in there to teach you. Not like I wanna live with you…” QD shook her head and scoffed. “That would not fit my character.”

She must’ve just been a strange woman.

“…okay…”

QD smiled. “Mhm! See you soon, then.”

“W-wait. Do you even know where the hotel is?”

“…of course I do! I know everything!”

Jay blinked.

“Hey, check this out—“ QD made a sparkling motion with her hands— and then a puff of purple smoke took her place. She had disappeared.

Not entirely— Jay could still hear her pant as she ran off, and her footprints mark the snow. She must’ve— turned invisible?

…wow. What the fuck?

So, Jay, who had been utterly confused up to the point where he totally forgot about his sadness (for a moment), walked back home— planning his new career.

He had some hopes.

Just not too many.

***

The next day, that QD came by Jay’s window.

After yet another sleepless night, Jay had gotten ready, suddenly dreading work as he knew he would soon live a life without terrible pay— and that was when QD came in.

Jay had buttoned his shirt when QD knocked on the window and scared him to death.

“HEY!” She screamed, muffled by the window. “LEMME IN!!!”

So, after an intense struggle with a window that just wouldn’t open, QD was let inside. Though, not without landing on her face after a difficult window-climbing experience.

“Uggggh… my legs…”

Jay helped her up, then shivered at her touch. He realized this made him feel quite uncomfortable. “G-good morning, QD. Ca—Can you come back later…? I’m about to go to work.”

“Ohhh, you work?”

Jay nodded slowly. “…did you not know? No offense— but you claim to know everything.”

“Now I know everything!”

“…I still have to go to work…”

QD flailed her arms around. “Wait— you don’t even wanna practice for a second?!”

“Uhm…” Jay shook his head with uncertainty. “No. I need to make money.”

QD sighed quite loudly. She was obviously bothered by this. “C’monnnn. Work’s kinda boring! Why don’t you wanna learn more magic with me?!”

Jay stared at her nervously. “We met yesterday…”

“Right?! And I saved you!!!”

I’m not bound to her. I mean— I did want to learn more— this is exciting— but…

…I mean… I tried to kill myself…

Why does it feel like I can leave it all behind? Like none of it mattered? Like it wasn’t important?

I wanted to kill myself.

And I’m not dead.

I couldn’t manage to do it.

…I’m here.

I should go to work.

“…but I still need to go to work. I need to survive— and I can’t do that without money, which I can’t get without work.”

QD blinked. “To buy food and afford a place to live, right?”

Jay slowly nodded. “I think you should know that.”

“Why didn’t you say so? I can find all sorts of food! Look!” she produced a singular fruit from her pocket. And then another. And another. QD poured waterfalls of fruit from all her pockets— which were all hidden in her jacket and flowy clothes. “Food.”

“…you’re magic…” Jay stared at the fruits in awe.

QD grinned wide, laughing. “YES! AND YOU CAN EAT THEM!!!” 

She immediately bent over, picked up a fruit, and ate it.

“Mhm. Ehdibl.”

Is my food problem solved?! “Can— can you make things like bread, too?”

“…only fruits.” sheepishly, QD smiled and shrugged. “That’s because I stole ‘em from trees and stuff. I can’t make ‘em for real for real.”

Jay didn’t care. That was magic enough! He glared at a fruit on the floor and snatched it quietly.

“Anyways— let’s do some magic!”

“I still need to pay to live here… and money…”

QD groaned quite loudly— she stomped several times.

“Don’t stomp…”

“Why do you wanna go to work so bad?! Work is BORING…!”

Jay looked down. “I just said I need money.”

QD sighed. “FINE! Go to work. But I get to use your bathroom, because you made me wait!”

“…no. Please get out.”

So, QD was shoved back out the window, and Jay got ready for work.

When he left, he kept seeing QD around— waving to him obnoxiously. No one seemed to care, because why would they— but Jay was still so embarrassed, so he pretended like QD never existed in the first place, and thought of her as a simple hallucination.

I still can’t believe last night.

Was it just me snapping? Losing it for a moment?

What if I regretted it?

I was only feeling ticked off… pushed to my limits… if I had actually done it— would I have regretted not being alive now?

Who knows. I mean… I— I have something to live for— magic— which I’m still not entirely sure is real at this point— but…

If today was just as regular as any other day, and I had no magic— would I regret it?

Would I regret not being able to live normally…?

…I’m not normal. I wouldn’t be able to live normally because I am not normal.

He swallowed hard. QD waved to him from an alleyway.

I think there’s something wrong with me.

He thought with such dread and a pitiful, sniffling, internal voice.

Then— out of the corner of his eye— he saw the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

…woah. Is that a hallucination?

Well, clearly not— she seemed to be talking with someone, who was responding—

Maybe my hallucinations are getting vivid.

Wait— no, I’m fine— it’s only stress from being sick.

So it’s not a hallucination!

And she’s really pretty…

Wow… if I talked to her, would she try to run away…? Do I look okay? Presentable, even? I try…

…uhmmm…

Jay seemed to burn a few degrees hotter.

I really like her…

But he had to keep walking to work.

Maybe that’s just— me acting up— late bloomer sort of stuff.

Oh… no… I’m already an adult, though. I was very mature for my age.

I still am!

Maybe?

He thought of how many times he broke down and cried in front of people.

That wasn’t very adult-like. Not very manly. No one would like him if he kept crying!

Especially not… women.

I’m just going to pretend I’m normal. Then everyone will like me.

Soon… maybe I could get a girlfriend?

But Jay didn’t particularly want a girlfriend. The thought of giving her kisses and hugs made him nearly vomit.

He hugged his stomach. Then, realizing he was in public, let it go.

I could never have a girlfriend.

But… girls like that…

He regarded the girl he had just passed.

…she’s really pretty…

He figured it was— as he had said— just about the time he should’ve had as a teenager, where every girl seemed pretty and he was desperate for love.

I was too mature to be a teenager.

…

I need to be mature again! I need to be a man! I need a girlfriend!

Either way, he made it to work, and waved at Elio as he waved to him— with a confused look on his face.

***

“OKAY. FIRST LESSON. TAKE THIS FEATHER.” QD produced yet another jet-black, aura-filled feather. She had sat them on Jay’s bed and forced a lesson upon them the moment he arrived home. She somehow got in.

Jay took the feather without a single question. When he blinked— it disappeared.

He didn’t feel any changes…?

“COOL. These feathers are gonna be what strengthens your bond with… the magic.”

“…did it strengthen anything just now?”

QD thought for a moment. She glanced around, counted on her fingers horribly wrong (‘one, three, two, four…’) and then licked the tip of her finger to test the direction of the wind (which there was none) around them. Finally, she concluded:

“No.”

Jay stared at her with an intensely plain face. “…was that the lesson?”

“I’m gonna ask you something, Jasper Depression.”

“Is that supposed to be an attempt at learning my last name?”

“Have you been out much?”

“…I guess?”

“It dun’n look like it.” QD threw her head around to accentuate her point. “Do you get out much?”

Jay thought about what sort of answer she was looking for. “I go to work… and I go outside to buy groceries.”

“…do you have any friends…?”

“I… think…?”

“Where’d you meet ‘em?”

“Work?”

QD fell back. Literally. With a loud thud, she shook the entire room.

“Phoenix—! Are you alright?” Jay leaned over, seeing her on the floor, and held out a hand for her.

QD flailed her limbs around on the floor. “NO! I don’t NEED your STUPID HAND!!!”

Jay pulled back, frightened. As anyone would be.

All by herself, QD sprang back up onto the bed, grabbed Jay’s shoulders, and wildly shook him out. “YOU MET ALL YOUR FRIENDS FROM WORK?!!?”

“Isss thhaattt aaaa bbaaaaddd ttthhhiiinngggg—?? GET OFF OF ME!!!”

“EEK—! GEEZ, SORRRYY.” QD pulled her hands away from Jay and wiped them on her jacket. “My goodness gracious. How violent.”

Jay put a hand to his head and sighed, distressed from the sudden grabbing and shaking— and his most unwarranted reaction. “Sorry…”

“Nah, you’re good!” It seemed to have little effect on QD.

Wow… I think I need to work on myself… more polite…

“ANYWAYS. Not what we’re here for. You don’t get out at all, do you?! Not a single friend— your life is full of work— and you’re still financially unstable!”

Jay frowned. It seemed true.

“How old are you?”

“I’m an adult.”

“Yeah. But like. 21? 28? 39? 92? 113?”

“…I’m 19. I think.”

“YA THINK?!”

“…yes, I’m 19. I just… don’t celebrate my birthday. I don’t really think about it.”

QD groaned. “Work— but no birthdays. You’re boring! And you’re still a teenager!”

“I’m an adult! Look, I can handle myself. I live alone.”

“In a hotel.”

“I’m looking for better work.”

QD flopped her head back. “Yeah, yeah. Okay. Whatever.”

“Why’d you ask me if I get out much…?”

“I honestly forgot! I had a point I wanted to get to, but…”

Jay ran a hand through his hair and looked at the ceiling. “Ah… I see…”

“Oh— I see! I remember! Yeah, it was because you keep asking thousands of questions.”

“…what does that have to do with anything?”

“YOU KEEP ASKIN’ QUESTIONS. One! It’s annoying. Two! If you got out much, you would know to not ask many questions. Three!” She paused. “…I dunno, you just don’t seem like you know anything outside of your very very verrryyy eensy teensy weensy itty bitty baby bubble. Do you know about anything cool? Been to anywhere but a bridge to kill yourself on?”

“…that’s incredibly rude…”

“IT’S TRUE, ISN’T IT?!”

“…yes…”

“A-HA. I KNEW IT.”

Jay sighed again, then hid in his hands.

“But it’s okay!” QD offered, patting his back.

“Don’t touch me.”

QD slowly pulled her hand away. “…have you really not been outside for anything but work?”

“I guess not.”

“You should quit your job!”

“No. I have a place to stay, even if it’s a… a hotel.”

“You don’t wanna fight and struggle for adventure?! And MAGIC?!?!”

I think I’ve struggled enough…

“Hmmm! Okay, first new lesson! We’re going outside, RIGHT NOW!!!” QD stood up from Jay’s bed.

“…I… why…”

“Because you’ve NEVER BEEN OUTSIDE FOR ANYTHING BUT WORK AND BUYING FOOD.”

“…I don’t particularly like going outside. I like staying home. It’s safer in here.” Jay held out his hands as if it was raining and he was catching the cool drops of water in his palms. “Nice… warm… most of the time. Maybe it’s not clean…”

QD glanced around, confused as to where the rain was coming from, eyeing the mess. “Yeah it’s messy in here. You have a pile of clothes in that corner over there.” she pointed them out without a single concern.

“…but it’s safe. And nothing comes to harm me. Except at night, where you can see shadows on the wall…”

“There’s SHADOWS ON THE WALLS?! Can I have a sleepover!?!”

“NO! NO SLEEPOVERS!”

QD frowned. “You’re so overprotective over me staying in here and living with you and touching you all the time.”

“It sounds just as bad as it is when you say it outloud,” Jay concluded.

“Alright. Whatever you say, Jasper Depression. Now put on your shoes and something nice. We’re going outside.”

“I’m staying here. And that’s also not my name.”

QD frowned. “Then what is your name?”

Jay opened his mouth to speak— then realized something.

“…have you ever worked in a hospital?”

“Me? Naw, never. I’d think I’m a little too… clumsy!” She threw her hands out, accidentally knocking over a lamp and somehow causing a chain reaction to destroying the entire room.

Don’t ask.

“…stars above. What did you just do.”

“…sorry! Anyways. What’s your reaaalll name?”

Jay sighed. He would just… fix everything… later. “…It is Jasper, but… I don’t know. People just call me Jay. I don’t know where the nickname came from.”

“Ohh, so you’re like— Jay-Jay. JJ. Jay-Man. Jay bird. Blue Jay!”

“Please don’t ever say those things ever again.”

“Whatever. Jay Depression— that suits you!”

“Not my last name, either.”

“…Jay Suicidal?”

Although Jay was glad they were wasting time and still not outside yet, he didn’t appreciate these jokes. “…no. That’s not my last name.”

“Well you can’t just say that and expect me to know your stupid friggin’ last NAME!”

Jay rolled his eyes. “Lynn…”

“Lynn? Jasper Lynn?”

“Yes. Wow, isn’t that so unnecessary to know? Are you happy?”

“YES! Very. Thank you, Jasper Sarcastic-Rude Lynn.”

I don’t know why I was so eager to learn from this idiot…

“Aaannyywhoo! We’re going outside NOW!”

Oh, come ON!!

“No! Why?!”

“You should go outside and see the world!”

That was something he had recently complained about not doing…

…but he could NOT go outside!

Unsafe things were out there. Even AELITA.

The thought made Jay suddenly sick. He hugged his stomach and groaned softly.

“What? Outside make you wanna PUKE?”

yes. But he wouldn’t say that.

“What would we even do outside…?”

“Walk around! See people and things! Ever appreciated any of those?”

“And how will that help me learn magic…?”

“‘He who jumps into the realm of magic gets deeply disconnected from the world he does not yet know.’! Or something. I made that up just now.”

Jay frowned.

“Are you just afraid of the outside world being unsafe? Like, I have magic, so we’re totally safe with me! I could just beat any dude up for you!”

“…I just don’t like outside…”

“PLEEAASSEE I AM BEGGING YOU TO GO OUTSIDE. OR I WILL TAKE YOUR MAGIC AW—“

“—NO NO NO NO NO DO NOT EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT.”

QD snickered. “Outside it is, then!”

“—aaaagGGGGHHH, FINE. Just— I need to get ready— I look awful.”

“That you do!”

***

Jay was bad at getting ready. He had no idea how to look any less sick than he was. He also found it boring and redundant— and he couldn’t get himself to start or to even continue getting ready.

He also did not care.

But he knew he would start caring when people stared at him.

QD burst into the bathroom at one point, when he was eyeing his dreadful visage in the mirror, noticing his eyes were an entirely different color!

“You look bad.”

That color thing would have to wait…

“I know.”

“Take a shower. Fluff up your hair! Here, I’ll help you, since you need advice from a woman to look your best.”

“What does that mean?”

“If a woman likes you, I’m sure everyone will, too.” It must’ve been clear that QD didn’t technically hold this belief, by the tone of her voice— but then again, she fully believed it.

Jay sighed. “So— you’re not going to help me take a shower, will you?”

“NO! What I meant by that is that I’m going to give you advice on how you look!”

“…alright…” Jay sighed in relief.

“GOOD!! Now, SHOWER, STINKY BOY.”

“I don’t—“

“—I know, that’s just what I call people! Toodles!” QD chimed as she closed— rather, slammed— the door.

What’s toodles?

So, Jay took a shower, and tried to fluff up his hair— at least, after intensely brushing and drying it out.

“IT’S GONNA BE TOMORROW BEFORE YOU GET READY.” QD screamed at him from the other room. “IT’S LIKE— 9 PEE-EMM.”

“I am TRYING.”

“STOP BEING SO RUDE TO ME!!”

“You’re the one who’s constantly yelling at me!”

Gah… I did say I would be more polite…

…she’s just infuriating!

Whatever, when we go outside— I’ll be nice, and she can be crazy, and then… yeah.

Soon, Jay was tormented and pestered by advice from the other room, that he tossed on whatever he thought was nicest and asked QD to please, come in.

She did— and immediately criticized him.

“You look like you haven’t slept in days. Your hair’s cute, though, but those PANTS do NOT go with that SHIRT. And you’re gonna need a coat, but I searched through your stuff—“

“—what.—“

“—and NONE OF YOUR COATS LOOK COOL. WHAT, WERE THEY HAND-ME-DOWNS?!”

“Yeah! Kinda!!”

“Ohhh, I forgot, you’re broke as hell!”

“—w-what’s hell?”

“Mehhhh, nothing you need to worry about.” QD patted him on his back. “Maybe.” she added.

“QD. I would appreciate it if you stop touching me.”

QD patted him on the back again. Must’ve been out of spite. She cleared her throat and continued. “You have good posture, though, so that’s good. I can’t imagine how that happened, cooped up at work all day…”

“Thank you…”

“You’re welcome! Look, I threw together a few fits, and we’re gonna go check ‘em out, and see if you like any of ‘em or if you’re just as fashion-less as I think you are!”

So, QD dragged him to his bed, where she’d laid out several of those ‘fits’.

“…these all would make me look old.”

“That’s kinda all you had!”

“…okay…”

“Plus, you’re very VERY obsessed over being an adult, so I figured this would look good on you! Or at least you’d LIKE IT.”

Jay sighed. “It’s… it’s nice. Thanks…”

“Oh, you’re very welcome! Look, you’d look best in this blue turtleneck— I think it brings out your eyes.”

“Wait— yeah— my eyes— they’re— they’re purple.”

QD blinked. “Is that not normal?”

“They used to be orange. Er, amber.” Jay pointed out with a little bit of pride. “I remember once my mother told me I had amber eyes.”

“…well, they’re purple now!”

Jay’s pride washed away and he stared at QD in disbelief. “Wh—whuh. Really?”

“Yeah! What, am I ‘sposed to fix ‘em?”

“…I kind of figured this was your doing!”

“Oh, yeah, it is, but—“

“—really.” Jay asked gravely.

QD nodded wildly. “Yeah! It’s from the magic.”

“REALLY?”

“Mhm! It just changes your eye color. Not much of a big deal. But now, you’re fancy, and super unique looking! I think that adds some cutie points to you.”

Jay pulled his cheeks down, examining his eyes closer in the mirror next to the bed he now leaned into. “C-cutie points?!”

“Mhm! I just came up with those, too!”

“…I want my amber eyes back…!”

“Sorrrry. Unless I take your magic away…”

“Just do that at this point!”

QD blinked. “I was kinda joking about that. I can’t really take away your magic.”

“WHAT?!”

“Kidding again! I can.”

“AGGHH. WHATEVER. JUST— I’ll just wear this…!”

QD clasped her hands together as Jay picked up the turtleneck she pointed out, eyeing it with a strange look on his face. “Awww, you still wanna go outside?”

“I got ready… might as well…”

And I don’t really want to stop having magic. I… maybe these new eyes will help me be recognized… in theatre?

“YAYY!! Let’s go, then!!”

“I still have to get ready… and are you really going out like that?”

“What’s wrong with the fit? It looks cute, eh?”

“…that jacket clashes with that… flowy thing you’re wearing. And those… boots. They’re all sorta different colors. Maybe if they matched—“

“You’re just a hater.”

“—wait, why am I taking fashion advice from you, then?!”

“JUST PUT ON THE STUPID FIT.”

So, shooing away QD from the bathroom that he now locked himself into, Jay put on the turtle neck. He peeked out of the door to find QD staring right into it.

“Okay, please stop. You’re making me extremely uncomfortable.”

“It’s a JOKE. What, anyone peeked at you before?”

“…stop it.” Jay commanded with grit in his voice.

“Yeeessh. Okay.”

“…but I need pants…” he added, glancing at the ones he was wearing, thinking of how badly they looked with his turtleneck.

“Oh! I’ll just bring the ones I laid out with that top. ’Be back~!” QD chimed, running off.

Jay stared at her through the crack in the door. Once she came back, she saluted— for some reason?— and nodded to him with a smile.

“Your pants, Sir!”

What in the skies was a Sir.

“…thank you…?” Jay snatched them, raising an eyebrow at her, then closing the door.

He realized she could still be at it.

“I will kill you if you’re still there. And I am so serious.”

He could hear feet shuffling away.

Ughhh… oh stars above…

With that, he wore his new ‘fit’, and spun around in the mirror a few times, trying to see if he could spot what his backside looked like.

Okay… it does look a little nice. I’ll give her some credit.

…but I can’t just tell her that…! Not after I claimed her fashion sense was horrendous!

...whatever, it’s the least I can do for being so rude.

Hopefully she doesn’t start screaming about how great she is the moment I say so…

Jay left the bathroom. The moment the door was opened, QD ran to him.

“OOOOH! PLUS A MILLION CUTIE POINTS!”

Bracing himself, Jay nodded. “Yes. The fit that you chose looks nice.”

“HHAHAAAAAA!!! I KNEW IT!!! MY FASHION SENSE IS THE GREATEST!!!!”

Jay frowned. He glanced at her outfit again.

“…hey, I just realized, you’re wearing shoes inside! Don’t do that!”

“…ohhh, my bad! I usually take ‘em off, hehe…”

“You better.” He narrowed his eyes at her.

QD stuck her tongue out and looked over her head. “Weeeellllll… here’s a coat…!” She glanced back at him, tossing him a coat out of nowhere. “Now, LET’S GO OUTSIDE!!!”

Jay sighed. “Let’s go outside…”

QD pumped her fists in the air, and insisted that they leave through the window, since it was ‘much much cooler’.

***

They walked around, QD dragging Jay to places that looked ‘really nice’.

QD urged Jay to take the sights in, notice things that seemed new and exciting, and breathe in the nighttime Valley life.

He did. Admittedly, it was sort of beautiful.

Little lights strung up, netting themselves over small streets… shops alight and darkened, walls littered with posters and streets still bustling with life though the late hour. There was always music playing— though Jay never knew from where.

“Let’s play a game. It’s called, ‘How Long Can You Go Without Seeing Someone Performing Something on the Street?’!” QD exclaimed. “I go first!”

They kept seeing someones performing somethings on the street.

“…never mind, this game’s boring.” QD added, figuring she was losing.

“Valley is quite the hotspot for performances and the like. And for sports, too. Lots of sports…”

“Cool. You’re not a sporty guy, are you?”

“No. Though… I did once think about becoming an actor. It was an out-of-the-blue thought… but I kept thinking about it… so I guess… is that what I want to do as a passion…”

QD’s eyes sparkled. “You could be a magician!!”

Jay looked at her with a growing, soft smile. “I thought the same…”

“You should totally be a magician. And if you wanna be an actor, sure, go for it.”

“I don’t know. It’s just something I thought of randomly one day—“

“—then you TOTALLY like it. Hey, let’s go see a show NOW! You don’t know of any shows goin’ around, do you?”

Jay shook his head wildly. “Nooo, no— I couldn’t even afford a ticket—!”

“Meh, it’s okay, we’ll sneak in!”

“No! We can’t just sneak in—“

“Let’s go search around! There must be a bajillion theaters around here! You ever seen a play before?”

Jay shook his head. “No, but I—“

“—awww, C’MON! Then we HAVE to go!” QD took his hand and dragged him around. To where? Who knew.

Aggghhh, I’m dreaminnngg— I must look so stupid—!!

“Ooh! Look! We found one already! All those people are lined up outside! For a show, no doubt!” QD pointed to a line in front of a theater. It was more like a blob, people standing around, waiting to be admitted and to buy their tickets.

Jay got one last good look of the outside world before QD got them arrested. “If going outside with you means spending the night being kicked around by bouncers who’re shaking us out for tickets we do not have—“

“ILLUSION POWER.” QD wistfully spoke, stealing Jay’s hand. “INVISIBILITY.”

What. Jay picked up his hand. He nearly screamed when he could not see it. …invisibility!

“We’re invisible now.” QD explained.

“Yeah, I think I see that— or— rather, I don’t—“

“We can sneak in now!!”

“That’s just wrong, though— I mean— we’re barely supporting the theater this way—“

“Awww, it’s a one time thing, and you’ve never been, anyways! We’ll wait for all these people to get inside and we’ll follow right before the doors close, so we can snag an empty seat or two!”

So, now an accomplice, Jay said nothing and waited for the line to diminish with QD. Once it had, she yanked his hand without warning, stepping through the snow without a care for her footprints (unlike Jay, who tried his best to step in old ones), and running into the theatre.

“This is fun!” She whispered, keeping her voice lower than the crowd that was still entering.

“Shh!” Jay warned.

They spent some time lost, then followed fancier looking people to some stairs. Assuming it was the pathway to balcony seats, QD broke free and glanced around, looking for two very special seats for two very special people.

Eventually— they found one (after much trial and error). A lone balcony, with two seats, hidden behind velvety curtains— just as perfect as in fantasies of theatre-going. QD pulled the curtains back to their original spot as they made it on the balcony, taking off their invisible cover.

“Hopefully no one bought these seats! We’d totally go to jail or something.” She turned back to the stage and the crowd below them, examining other balconies. “But these balconies look pretty empty. Especially these ones near the back…” QD commented so regularly, taking her seat.

Meanwhile, Jay was looking out over the theater— which was massive. In awe, he ran his eyes over the crowd and the stage, full and alive, all thousands of people waiting to see a few people elevated and talking under colorful lights.

I can’t imagine living here. What if I had all this to myself?!

I couldn’t imagine being on that stage— what if this many people came to see me? Me and all the other performers— what if I did— like— plays, and magic— what if I wowed all these people? What if they all loved me…!

What if Aelita was there with them?

The thought ruined his entire mood. The smile which had crept up on his face dropped slowly.

I couldn’t imagine…

He ignored the thought. He pushed it down. He tried to relish the moment again.

I’m in a theater for the first time. My first seat is on a balcony…!

But nothing could bring him back up.

“Jasper Lynn, sit down!” QD chided. “It is awfully rude of you to stand up for such a long time! Or, whatever.”

Jay turned back to her, face melting with embarrassment. “Sorry…”

“Meh, you’re good!” QD added with a smile as she pulled off her jacket. That flowy thing that she was wearing was a dress— only, extremely ruffled. “Just c’mon, sit! I know these plays start a little later, but like, you could be sitting during that time! Very nice things.”

“Do these sorts of shows usually start so late? What time is it?”

“I dunno! Ask that huge clock!” QD pointed to a massive clock, at the very back of the theater.

Jay’s eyes widened at the thought of it. “One of those hands looks as big as my hotel room…!”

“Pretty crazy, right?! And you’re having a rough time financially!”

Yeah… and I’m still in debt…! I haven’t paid a single bit of it off. I wonder if it’s accumulating?!

“Also, if you forgot, you’re still standing!!”

“Oh… right…” Jay breathed as he looked back at the chair, then sat in it. The edge seemed much further away when he did.

I wonder if I jumped off… I’d probably kill whoever I landed on, too!

They waited for the show to start. Jay found that his heart was racing and he had a difficult time breathing.

QD noticed it, too. “You’re nervous like you’re gonna get up there and sing a solo. Relax! You scared we’re gonna get arrested, goody-two-shoes?”

“No. I’m simply waiting for the show to start.”

“You must be super duper excited, then!!” QD jabbed him in the arm with her elbow.

Jay rubbed his arm. She was a hard hitter.

Then, the lights dimmed.

Jay’s anxiety spiked.

“…QD. Do you have one of those cold things?”

“A wha?”

“Those cold things! You gave me one when we met?”

“Ohhh, yeah! Here you go!” Once more, out of her cavernous, ruffly dress, she pulled something that seemed impossible to have fit in there. Another cold thing, which she handed to Jay gingerly. “Don’t spend it all in one place,” she commented, putting her hands behind her head and already melting into her seat.

Jay, given the cold thing, held it in his hand. Slowly, he touched it to his forehead— surprising him at first, but slowly getting used to it. He closed his eyes for a moment and felt… much colder. It was, for lack of a better word, nice.

The curtain rose.

Opening in a quaint little house, charming and well kept, with people at a coffee table talking…

“Well, I must say,” a woman in fine clothing, at the table, spoke to the others. Jay wondered how she could speak so loud… or if it was a microphone. “what you’re doing for the children really is a wonderful thing.”

A man at the opposite side of the table spoke. “I thank you so kindly. It’s always been my dream to help the community in a way that really does matter.”

I hope the kids don’t trust him…

“You look like you’re really invested already.” QD whispered to him, reaching her elbow out, threatening to jab him again.  

Jay batted her away. Then, breaking out of the trance, he realized he really was invested. “…just watch the play!” he quickly commented as it all went on without them.

“Yes. It’s so endearing!”

“In other news, what have your thoughts been on the house?”

“Ah, well… I just don’t think we can part with it!” another woman spoke up. She sat next to the other woman, and they held hands with a sigh. “It’s been in the family far too long.”

They might be sisters…

QD jabbed him.

“I know how that is.” The man nodded with a wistful (although hard to see) smile. “Well, so long as you have someone who can stay in it, it should remain in the family forever.”

“Yes…”

The doorbell rung.

“Oh! That must be our nephew!” One of the ladies said, standing up to answer the door. “He’s come to visit today, as you know.”

“Yes.” The man nodded with a smile.

As the door opened… out came the most handsome man Jay had ever seen.

He nearly jumped off the balcony.

“Pfft. You’re REALLY excited.” QD joked.

“No— do you SEE that man?!”

“Yeah. He’s here now.”

“Ah, Winston, there you are! It’s so nice to see you again!”

“Hello, auntie.”

“But. But do you not SEE him.”

“I’m not blind!”

Jay pressed the cold thing against his cheek.

The play went on, proving to be the greatest experience Jay had ever been given.

It was riveting! The aunties were murderers! Winston, like himself, was thought to be crazy— no one believed what he saw— which were the very real crimes of his aunts.

Jay shook QD and told her that he needed to find out who played Winston. After the play, QD turned them invisible again, and they searched the ground for programs. They weren’t very hard to find. Jay hid one in his coat and felt like he would practically explode with glee if they didn’t get back to his hotel immediately and read out each name.

Once they exited the theater, Jay let out a shaken sigh. It was obviously loud on purpose.

“Did you like it?”

“I loved it!”

“Not just for the guy who played Winston, hm?”

“It was amazing… how were they able to do all of that?! It was like I was watching real life… everything they said— no matter how crazy sounded so— so real! The emotion in everyone’s voices, how they went about their life— everyone had something to do, even when the focus wasn’t on them. It felt so, so alive! The whole thing was constantly moving— and— I just don’t know— it was so indescribable…” he breathed. “It was just something you had to see for yourself…”

“So~! Wanna be an actor?”

“Yes. I want to be an actor.”

QD chuckled. “Yeah. I’m pretty cool. ‘Brought you here and everything.”

Jay spun to QD and held her hands. “Yes, you did! Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Would you sneak into another show with me?”

“No. Next time, I’ll buy us tickets!”

QD blinked rapidly. “Wow so you like capitalism a lot huh”

“Okay. I will admit. Outside was okay— but just this once…”

“Nahhh, we’re gonna keep going out every night. Until you learn how vast this world really is.”

Jay sighed. “Okay…”

Nevertheless, the play certainly changed him.

***

Cute Girls EVERYWHERE for Those Lucky Enough to See Them

But when he woke up, it was like none of it ever had happened.

He was sluggish and tired. He checked the time. Time to go to work!

Maybe I should quit… maybe I should go out and perform— like all those people we saw last night… maybe I should learn magic. Maybe I should try to be happier.

…my unhappiness stems from Aelita.

I can never forget what she did.

…if only I saw a show with mom and dad…!

If only we all went together, and nothing bad had ever happened to me…!

I wouldn’t have to work at that stupid office— and fight— and fail— to get paid for working overtime— and I would be safe, no debt, and I would look just as I had when I was born— and my eyes wouldn’t be purple— and I would be like my parents— and I would be free to pursue my new passion— I really want to— without a single doubt! I could come home, kiss my mother on the cheek, and I wouldn’t be afraid to give my father a hug— I wouldn’t think these horrible, horrible, horrible thoughts whenever someone looked my way— I wouldn’t have to worry about untrustworthy people and what they could possibly want with me—!

—What if QD’s the same—?!

AGHHH!! There it is AGAIN!!!

And what if seeing all these shadows and hearing all these things and being CRAZY NEVER HAPPENED if I just STILL HAD MY PARENTS?!

My life is ruinnnedddd. I can’t be normal! I just can’t be! There’s something wrong with me!

Jay pulled the blankets over his head, ignored the sun pouring through the cracks in the curtains, and sobbed.

He heard a knock at the window, but he pretended he was dead.

The window was jabbed a few times, his name was called in QD’s voice, and he didn’t respond. Then, the window was somehow swung open, and the curtains were moved, and QD pattered in, shaking Jay, under his sheets.

“HEEEYYY. WAKE UP. MAGIC TIME!”

Jay curled up under the blankets and hugged his stomach.

“Did you literally just forget about all we saw?! Did you not have fun?! You CLEARLY DID, BOY.”

I’m sorry… I’m not in the mood…

QD ripped the blankets away.

“H-HEY—!”

“JASPER DEPRESSION LYNN. WAKE UP. THE SUN IS SHINING. IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.”

Jay pulled his blankets back. For a moment, he thought of Aelita, and he trembled with feverish rage.

“Awww, Lynn, why the hell aren’t you getting up?! I thought we had that spark last night!”

“I can’t. I can’t do it today.”

“What? Have fun with me, or have a boring time at work?”

Any of it.

“Oh, Depression, prithee, do tell, what sorrows your morrows?!” QD sat at his bedside and put her hand on his shoulder.

He tossed it off. “I don’t mean to be rude.”

“That’s okay!” QD took her hand away. “What’s the sudden depression wave, huh?”

“Why do I have to explain how I feel to everyone…”

“Oh. Or just be super mean!”

Jay sobbed.

“Are you crying?”

“No!” He sat up in defense, wiping away his tears. “…I’m sorry…”

QD shrugged. “It’s okay. Did you look at that program?”

“…no… I— I completely forgot about that…” Jay pulled himself up. “…I’m sorry…”

“Why do you apologize so much?” QD tilted her head and smiled.

Why do I?

…

…

…

Jay wiped his eyes and stared off into the distance. “I need to go to work.”

“What?! We were talking! Having a moment! You still haven’t looked at the program!”

“That’s something to look forward to when I get home so that I don’t intentionally cut off my arm at work trying to cut paper!”

QD blinked. “You should quit your job.”

“Money. Again. And I’m in debt.”

“And also 19…!”

Jay sighed, clutching his stomach as he sat up. He went to the bathroom.

I can’t just forget all about it in one second… like they do in books! I get so close. But then I lose it all…

I don’t even know how I feel about any of it in the first place…

I could never sit down and think about it…

Maybe if I do, it’ll only get worse…!

In response to this, he thought about it more.

He thought about Aelita. Aelita, tugging at his sleeve with a smile, telling him she was bored, that she wanted to have her mind on something else entirely, wrapping her arms around his, kissing his neck—

Jay gripped the bathroom sink. The rage returned.

I NEED TO KILL HER. I NEED TO KILL HER. IT ISN’T FUCKING ENOUGH—!!!

I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE WOULD DO THAT. SHE WAS TWICE MY AGE.

CALM DOWN!!!

He grabbed his face and sobbed, feeling the pressure build again. He wondered, for a moment, how his morning started this way. His head ached. It begged to explode and to never be put back together.

Substituting for a full on explosion, Jay forced himself to vomit in the sink. When was the last time he had done such a thing?

Squeezing his stomach hurt. He held onto it and groaned.

And you want to be an actor!

He would be a little late for work, but it was better than never showing up at all.

***

That night, QD handed Jay another feather. It felt like nothing changed. They went outside again. This time, Jay was able to be coerced into doing so without a single remonstration, but he still didn’t want to go, and felt even worse than he had when going out last night.

QD explained she found some cool spots when he was at work, and planned an entire night of fun— but she immediately went off book when she found a stand for candied fruits and produced money out of absolutely nowhere to get some. She snowballed into going into alleys, singing somehow angelic notes, and urging Jay to follow her.

Jay popped a candied berry into his mouth and dragged along like a wet and dirtied paper bag.

“Jay! Sing with meee.”

“I have never sung in my life.”

“‘I have never breathed in my life. I have never blinked in my life. I have never eaten in my life. I have never spoken in my life.’ That’s what you sound like! Sing! You know how!”

Jay shrugged. “I don’t know… I’ve really never sung…”

“Have you ever recited the alphabet? Sung a birthday song to someone?”

Jay didn’t know what the alphabet was. It was like QD was from another world entirely— which actually was the most plausible reason for all of this.

“Where are you from, QD?”

“The stars and a meteorite from outer space.”

“…you’re not from here, then?”

QD blushed and shrugged. “Go sing! Know any songs from anyone important in your life that you could just cry to while singing out here?”

Jay shrugged. “I do know songs. I know their lyrics. I just have never needed to sing them, so I don’t. No one has ever asked me to sing for them before.”

“Maybe, as an actor, you would need to sing! You have to have sung before so that you could sing!”

Jay looked down.

“Everyone can sing. Just go for it!”

“…but what song?”

“The one with the nicest lyrics,” QD suggested.

Jay nodded slowly. He readied himself… took a deep breath in… and then spat it out. “No.”

“AWH. YOU SMELL. Look, singing isn’t haaardd,”

“I’ve just never sung before. I don’t know how I sound like.”

QD threw her hands in the air. “I’ve just never sung before! I dunno how I sound! Yeah, I’ve also never taken a shit or had to walk before. Yeah everyone else just does that for me. Yeah no you’re too kind. I really am pretty! I’m a little princess. Thank you.”

Jay was not entirely sure where that impression went around the end there.

“Just mutter a song. Try to sing tonight! Look, I’ll even plug my ears—“

“—when will you teach me more magic?”

“Soon! Just sing and I’ll teach you!”

“But I want to learn magic. I want to be able to quit my stupid job and be able to still live under a roof with food. I just want to be able to live… live alone…”

QD sighed. “Well, singing doesn’t come anywhere near all of that. If you really wanted to be able to live, then singing shouldn’t be a problem! It should be nothing compared to what you have to do to get any of that stuff! It’s only… enhanced, emotional sound!”

“Crying is the same.”

“And you’ve definitely cried lots before! So what’s singing to all of this?”

Jay looked up. He spotted the stars between the crisp, rolling clouds.

“Imagine being so dirt poor you don’t even have a singing voice!” QD added. “And you can get that crap whenever you feel like it! Use it free of charge! Look, Jay, I’m talking and talking and stalling, so this is your moment to suddenly burst out in a song like they do in movies and WOW the audience with your talented and smoother than butter voice.”

“OKAY, okay, fine. I’ll do it. You’re just making me really nervous…”

“Yayyy! Attaboy, Jay~!”

Jay balled his fists. “I— I don’t know— how do I make suddenly singing not embarrassing and scary—“

“You don’t. Singing’s stupid. But we all kinda do it!”

“You didn’t make it sound stupid when you suddenly burst into song the moment we got into this stupid alley.”

“Aw, thanks! That’s because I have self esteem and you have none.”

Jay put a hand to his cheek. QD’s insulting nature became quite endearing after a while.

“…okay… I’ll try.”

“YAY!”

“But— don’t cheer for me! That makes it worse!”

“Oh. Okay. BOO. HE CAN’T SING. HE SUCKS.”

Jay rolled his eyes, dragging pinched fingers across his lips in order to get QD to shut up.

She slapped her hands over her mouth with a surprised face. Nodding rapidly, her face did not change, but her volume did.

Stars above. This is so embarrassing.

But I guess no one but QD’s around, so it’s alright…

Idiot! How do you know if you can trust her?!

He thought he could hear a high pitched buzzing. Suddenly, he was hit with a wave of nausea, and he doubled over.

“Maybe you can’t sing because you’re allergic to singing?” QD suggested, as it was mandatory to make the comment before going to Jay’s side to help him.

Jay suddenly found it difficult to breathe, and tried to pull more air into his body. It surely helped to breathe the cold, crisp, outside air of Valley— especially when he was building up heat and feeling the pressure push against his head and body, once more clamoring to be let out in an explosive manner.

QD reached out a hand, but pulled it back, remembering how much it annoyed Jay.

She’s probably just another Aelita! I can’t trust anyone like that! I can’t! Even if she was the prettiest girl in the world, I couldn’t trust her.

I can’t even trust other boys! I couldn’t trust Elio— that’s just because— people—

I just love to ruin my night— ruin my already ruined life!

He took in more breaths to calm down, cool himself down, but it only made him dizzier.

QD held a cold thing into his vision.

DON’T TAKE IT. SHE’S TRYING TO KILL YOU.

The ringing grew. It looked like everything lost its color. QD’s hand looked like it was melting.

Things looked like things they did not look like.

“Woah— what happened to my hands?!” QD commented.

Jay straightened himself, clutching his head and stomach simultaneously.

I need to get out of here! What am I doing, in this alley, with QD?! She could hurt me!

…I could hurt her.

This body. This mind. None of it is mine.

Who even AM I?!

What if I— I get the urge— something sickening— something Aelita must’ve had—

What if I hurt her?

WHAT IF I HURT CHILDREN?!

I would become a MONSTER!!!

Jay shook himself out, forced the feelings away, swallowed the nausea until he wanted to vomit out his insides and organs, then told him everything was just a ploy, fake, not real, no happening, a dream, told and created by stress, and said nothing, as it didn’t exist, to QD, who didn’t exist, and ran out of the alley.

“HEY! YOU CAN’T GET OUTTA SINGING PRACTICE!” he heard QD call to him as he ran.

***

Work felt grueling. But he was also running dry on money. Overtime just wasn’t paying anymore, and he was losing stability.

Fuck.

There was a thought.

It was times like these when he wanted to crush Aelita’s skull under his fingers.

But it was also times like these when he himself calmed down, stopped talking, and lived in melancholy.

If I still lived with Aelita… if I never tried to escape…

Maybe I could drown in wine and forget all about everything!

Maybe I could stab myself with a kitchen knife and drunkenly beg Aelita to leave me alone, and if I died, she would be in my will, and she could keep the only thing I had— my body.

There. She always had it, anyways.

Would she laugh to herself and say the same?

Soaring and burning Phoenix. I need wine…

The old craving came back.

And so did QD! Her lessons were consistent of giving Jay feathers, claiming he looked desaturated and much lighter, paler— but never offering advice. Not anymore.

He knew she must’ve figured that she had nothing to give him in the state he was in. How could she tell him to go find better work when this was the best he could get? He couldn’t do anything but this.

At night, those sights, the shadows, spiders on the wall— which were new— and whispers in his ear, rocky, dry and drowning voices that reminded him all of one person and one person only, emerged to torment him.

Under the covers, Jay sobbed and cried and gasped and let his fingertips blow— in fact, he actively cracked them— to give way to new pathways for threatening pressure to leave.

He figured he would never get any better at this rate.

Fragile skin, fragile emotions, fragile financial stability, fragile identity, fragile thoughts, fragile will to live.

How have I survived? Even magic won’t help. I’m going to die…

At work… Elio seemed to be his only friend. But even after a while, he stopped bothering Jay. It must’ve been because he was worried that he was only making things worse. But one day— today— he stopped Jay in the break room.

“I’m worried.” He loomed over Jay, too tired to go on, sitting on the break room’s sofa, eyes dazed and melting into the ceiling. “You look like you’ve been constantly sick. Please, Jay, for all the stars in the sky, isn’t there any way I can help? You haven’t said a word to me in ages.”

Jay wondered why he couldn’t just get a better job. Do what he advised Jay. Maybe write a book— get something, somewhere, somehow— just drag himself out of this shithole.

Elio sat next to him, but his elbows on his knees, and longingly gazed at Jay. “Poor Jay.” He spoke softly. “I want to help you. I really do. Why don’t you let me help you?”

I can’t trust you. I can’t trust anyone. I hate this. I hate this!

He tensed up, but he dared not move. He dared not move, and he felt something itching at his neck, like a cut tag.

He felt more— he felt something grabbing him, something squeezing his neck, poking at his stomach—

Jay sat up instantly. He looked around for what could’ve touched him.

Nothing.

Only Elio, surprised at his sudden movement.

It was YOU!

…no… it wasn’t you…

Jay put his hand on his nose bridge. Ever since his head first caved in, it had been different. He didn’t like it. It must’ve been so different from what his parents looked like.

“Jay. I’ve been serious. This is not even a suggestion anymore. How can I help?”

No, no, no, no— just kill me like a rabid animal.

He hugged his stomach, removing his hand from his face. He turned to Elio.

I can’t cry. I should be a man. I should quit this job and pursue my new found passion. I should suffer for a little bit to get famous. If I can’t live in a hotel— then I can live outside. And I could strive for stardom.

But if I was homeless and living outside, anyone could do anything to me. I can’t handle anymore of that.

I can’t.

So then I can’t quit this job. I have to live in a hotel with this job.

If I can’t become an actor— which I can only do if I quit this job— then I can’t go anywhere else. I can’t get out of that hotel.

My life ends here.

I can’t ask Elio for help. I’ll mess it all up. I’ll waste all his money by accident. I can’t just do that. He’s struggling, too. I wonder how he gets by.

So I can’t go anywhere else? Even if I have magic? Even if a miracle happens?!

Maybe I was right to kill myself!

The world is beautiful, but it sure is cruel.

Elio sighed and stared at Jay. It seemed like he was a lost cause. “I just don’t know what to do to help you. You seem so lost. You won’t tell me anything you need. How am I supposed to keep you safe if I don’t know any of that…?”

Jay made sure he lost his consciousness as he looked back at the ceiling. Anything that touched him was not real. It did not exist.

“I’ve known you since you were little. I can’t stand to see you grow up this way.”

Stand for it. You have to. I don’t trust you.

“…will you ever talk to me again? Is it something I did? I tried to help you…”

I know. I know. I just can’t trust you. My body does not trust you.

Elio sighed. “You’re a good kid. Er— adult. You are an adult.” He added with a certain lightness.

Jay slowly turned his head to Elio.

I have to say something.

I don’t want to worry him.

Saying nothing worries him.

He’s worried about me enough.

“…I’m sorry…”

“No, no, Jay, it’s okay!” Elio responded as quickly as he could, as if he would lose Jay and the conversation if he didn’t. “Really. None of it is your fault. I just want to know if you’re okay.”

Jay slowly nodded. “I’m okay.”

“You look so sick. You look pale. Are you eating well? I can bring you lunches—“

Jay’s face held an old, shallowing sadness. “You don’t need to do anything for me anymore. You’ve done so much. I can’t repay any of it, so I don’t want to ruin your life by making you take care of me.”

“It would brighten my life in ways you couldn’t understand. It would never ruin me.”

“I can barely get by. How can you?”

Elio shrugged. “It depends on how much you get paid. I— I know that the boss said we can’t really discuss wages— but— I’m being paid 20 King’s a m—“

“—20 KING’S?! I’M ONLY GETTING FIVE!!!”

This entire time, the excuse had been that maybe more money would come in later.

***

That night, Jay completely lost it.

Stress? Anxiety? Fever? Bad dreams?

Excuses. All of them.

He was sick.

Mentally ill.

He hugged himself in fear, crushed his fingertips in preparation for the pressure accumulation, and hid under the blankets.

“stars stars stars stars Stars Stars STARS STARS STARS STARS STARS STARS—“ he screamed with exponential volume. “—AAGGHH, I HATE ALL OF IT—!!!”

He sobbed, screamed, cried, and let his wax drip all over himself under the blankets as he hugged his stomach. The blankets, under them, did not provide much air— so he suffocated himself.

It was fine if he left his room messy. It was fine if he died like trash. It would never amount to anything, anyway.

Maybe whoever found his dead body would think, ‘poor young man. He was struggling and there was something wrong with him, so he could do nothing about any of this. He died alone and without much he could do anymore, so he is perfectly without fault for dying.’ and they would never think about him again.

I don’t trust anyone! Not even myself! Whatever I have is not mine—

Oh, I’ve said it again and again—

When will it ever change?!

Something grabbed him and choked him from outside of the blanket. He heard things, he felt things, he even smelled things— burning things— he felt hotter and hotter and wondered if the room was on fire.

It was okay if he melted! No one would know he ever existed.

He panicked and spiraled that night, hyperventilated and sobbed all together, without breathing. He completely lost himself and felt the pressure break his palms.

He heard the same buzz, the same ringing, the very same report about the molten man.

Just steal my skin already! At least I would be part of something useful!

Everything around him lost its color, he felt dizzy, gained nausea, and nearly vomited in bed.

He couldn’t vomit in bed. If he died, he would not die in his vomit.

It panicked him. He pulled the blankets off, came face to face with a room full of spiders and the effigy of the molten man plastered everywhere like a fiery, snatching spirit. He spiraled and trembled, weaving his way to the bathroom, crunching spiders at his feet and gripping the sink, where the entire room was on fire and screamed like tearing, searing metal.

Nothing could calm him— not even the sight of the beautiful scenery he imagined, loved, forgot about— but he tried talking anyways.

“Fine. Fine. Fine. It’s okay. Mirror. Look. Your eyes! Fine. I miss them.”

Slowly, he turned on the water in the bathroom, completely forgetting he had to vomit, and ran his hands under the cold liquid. The wax that dripped from his fingers cooled, ruining their soft edges, closing the pressure leak. It immediately built up inside him again, and he struggled for any air as he gasped loudly, craning his head back in a strange way.

“STARS. STARS. WHY.”

Jay pulled himself back, feeling another wave of nausea overcoming him until he spilled his guts out into the sink.

When he brought himself back up, his world seemed to slow down, the sounds and the sights made him even dizzier, and he turned away from the sink.

Slowly, he slid to a sit, feeling exhaustion and nothing. He couldn’t even tremble any harder— he only trembled slower. Slowly, slowly… he let himself go limp on the floor as each hallucination took its turns tormenting him.

Growing pressure, heightened heats— heat oppressed brain.

The feeling of sticky little spiders run all over him, the feeling of someone choking him, the feeling that everything was hot and on fire— small whispers bothering him, loud screams tormenting him, voices he traced back to one person talking to him, edging him on, pushing him— try this, try that, look at me in the eyes and tell me you love me, say sorry, don’t do that, you’re an adult, you’re a man, it’s all your fault, why can’t you do any of this right, I’m bored, are you bored, let’s go, c’mon, you and me, forever, I love you— sights of fire, someone he created and let run wild, spiders and melting, colorless objects ruining his vision as it turned to bright, white, glowing, burning snow.

***

He woke up on the bathroom floor, feeling sore, his hair a mess.

His skin jumped as he sat up, realizing he had felt like this before.

But no one was here. So no one could’ve done anything to him.

He wiped his mouth. His hands were shaky and slow. He felt like he had been contorted in thousands of different ways when his body was in a perfectly untwisted position.

Rough… ughh… I… can’t feel… my face…

…

…I know… it’s gone… so hurt…

Messy… and I understand… everything…

All so bad… worsening…

…I am…

Really am I that gullible?

Strange…

I…

…nothing… changes…

Broken… mess…

My room…

I am greedy…

For wishing… to be happy…

Roof and food…

…

…boy… adult…

Nothing…

Silver…

…

I need to…

Quit my…

Job…

He wanted to scream at his boss.

He should!

So, he got ready, and ran out of his hotel room before QD could find him.

He pretended to be okay, swallowed everything whole, and seethed with rage as he made it to work.

He knew he would enjoy this.

Storming into his boss’s office, he realized he had nothing to say, and had no idea how to say it. He became fearful. Frightened. Things started to cave in.